Do I leave, and if so, how? Emotional abuse

[Songbird13]

I have posted previously under a different username last year but situation has changed, or rather I've had my eyes opened more now. Previously I was asking whether behaviour of DH was abusive. Now I know it is (I think, I still have moments of doubt creep in) and am after advice on how to leave.

Some examples of recent behaviour.

• I gave DS (age 1) a crisp/puff thing in the car as he was getting hangry when we were heading out somewhere. DS snatched the tub off me and they went everywhere. I said to DH that I'd better hoover the car when we got back. He sighed and didn't answer me, then when we got home and he saw the crisps everywhere he slammed the car door while holding DS and stormed off huffing and wouldn't speak to me. I said I would go and hoover it but he said I shouldn't have given him all of those crisps, I explained that I had only passed him one but that he snatched the tub off me. He said "well as long as that really is what happened".

• I do all the shopping as DH is incapable. He will have to ring me or send me endless photo messages from shop etc. Anyway last week I was very poorly and had to wait in for a parcel and asked him to pick up some specific sanitary towels from shop. He came back with some tena lady nappy type things. I said to him nicely that they weren't what I was after and he slammed them on the floor and stormed off huffing and would only speak to me in a barely audible voice for ages.

• Last week I was cleaning high chair and DH said he would do it. I said it's okay I've almost finished, and he said it again louder. I laughed and said don't shout and he became very upset and said he has asked me multiple times not to accuse him of shouting and he found it very upsetting that I would do that as he's not a wife beater. I said I was only joking and he said I shouldn't say it even as a joke.

• A few days ago I went shopping and when I got back DS wanted a feed (breastfed) so I left DH to unpack. The next day I noticed he had put something meant to go in the fridge in a cupboard and it had gone off, I made a joke about it and he stormed off saying he can't do anything right anymore and sighing, huffing etc. Then we got in the car and he was driving really erratically and yanking the steering wheel suddenly etc and then said he was stressed and felt like punching someone in the face. He parked in a car park far away from where I needed to be and I politely said that I was not sure how it would work as I was going to put DS in trolley at shop and therefore wouldnt be able to take pushchair as well. That annoyed him and he again drove off in a huff. When we pulled up he started saying I am making him feel lonely and like he is an inconvenience.

There's a lot more but I won't lost every single incident.

I am right aren't I, this isn't on? I've been with this man for half of my life and I have very low self esteem and think I have had my head buried in the sand a bit, but want what's best for DS. I think what woke me up a bit was when DS was rummaging around in the fridge and some cream spilled, my first thought was that DH was going to be annoyed and my heart started racing and I rushed to get something to clean it up before he saw.

What is keeping me here is that we have just signed another six months on our tenancy, and also I can't bear the thought of having split custody of DS and being away from him. I know DH loves DS but he just does the easy bits of parenting, the playing and making DS laugh etc. He spends most of his days on his phone and vaping. I am just not sure how to actually leave, do I tell him or do I just go one day? He is furloughed and has been since the start of this lockdown so obviously it's hard to speak to anyone right now as he's always home. He always tags along for the pushchair walks etc so can't get any time to call anyone. I have started doing a housing application in my sole name without him knowing but obviously it's complicated because I'm liable for half of the rent and bills here.

He's also nice/normal to me 80-90% of the time, and is very convincing to outsiders. I don't think a lot of people would believe how he really is and they say how nice he is, how lucky I am. When I have said to him in the past I feel like I'm treading on eggshells, he says that's how I make him feel, and it makes me doubt myself, maybe I'm the bad one but I don't know why. He is very good at making me feel sorry for him and I worry if I leave he would become suicidal. He always calls me out on my facial expressions or my tone of voice or thinks I'm annoyed when I'm not. He has never been physically violent to me, although when we first met he threatened to slap me and I sometimes wish I'd left then.

Sorry it's long and jumbled, am trying to type rapidly on phone while DS naps. Thanks for reading.

How's things op x

I'm OK, thank you. DH has been nice and "normal" the last few days. Which is good but then it makes my desire to leave and uproot my son and I go away. I see him playing with DS and making him giggle and then I think am I doing the right thing. When I'm not feeling afraid of him I am just feeling irked about him waking up when he wants, sitting playing on his phone and vaping while I do everything, all the cooking etc. But even if he offered to take DS so I could get a rest, I wouldn't really want to accept as he gets so impatient when he starts grizzling etc.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I find myself sometimes thinking I wish he'd have an affair so I could just find it easier to up and leave. Why am I finding it so hard.

I am going to get a little bag packed with some clothes and things and see if I can get a key cut for my mum's flat, and when he next has an outburst I want to go.

Songbird

Now he is showing you the "nice" part of his continual cycle of abuse. He will revert to nasty soon enough and very quickly too, this nice act of his is an act and one also he cannot maintain. Vaping, having little to no interest in his child and his phone are all "normal" for him.

Can you leave with your child sooner?. I would not hang around waiting for his next outburst to come; you're living on your wits and are hyper vigilent to this man already. Your own health is being wreaked and he will take an awful long time for you to recover from his abuse (perhaps even years now). That recovery has not even been set in motion yet mainly because you are still there.

Are you codependent in relationships?. His needs here are really not more important than yours. You are not responsible for him, only your own self and your child. If he was not able to pay rent/bills that is his problem, not yours.

It's a cycle, nice then nasty.
Have you spoken to womens aid, they really are amazing.

I have not been able to speak to Women's Aid yet as DH is furloughed so is home 24/7, he tags along for walks etc so impossible to have a private phone call.

I suppose I have become a bit codependent. I just feel like I have no confidence or self esteem. It feels strange, for lack of a better word, to just leave when things are "fine" rather than when he's provoked it, as silly as that sounds.

Thing is, do you want your child to grow up thinking that this is how you behave? They'll soon be picking it up, if they haven't already. Couf you keep a bag of stuff at your mams so you can just leave anytime, when he's in the shower or something?

Why hadn't you eaten for a whole day? were you ill or too busy looking after DC to cook, you need to eat as you're BF.
I think he calls you when he's shopping so you get annoyed and don't ask him again.

Sending you strength xxx

I’ll be honest I’m confused here. You say he does nothing around the house but then you say he does shopping, plays with your DS, offers to clean the high chair, puts shopping away (though you tell him he’s doing these things all wrong).
You say he has no interest in your child but he goes on trips out in the car and goes for a walk with you every day.
You come across as a bit passive aggressive. Have you tried telling your DH how you feel? And if the conversation goes nowhere, have you tried counselling?
He probably has his own side to all this. Neither of you is pleasing the other at the moment so it sounds as if the relationship will end unless you both take steps to resolve things. If that’s what you even want.

Coronawireless the OP is walking on eggshells, and is asking for help to leave. It takes courage to do that. Your comments are ill informed and potentially dangerous.
OP you re not happy, gather support and get away from this man who is making your life a misery. x

@Coronawireless

I’ll be honest I’m confused here. You say he does nothing around the house but then you say he does shopping, plays with your DS, offers to clean the high chair, puts shopping away (though you tell him he’s doing these things all wrong). You say he has no interest in your child but he goes on trips out in the car and goes for a walk with you every day. You come across as a bit passive aggressive. Have you tried telling your DH how you feel? And if the conversation goes nowhere, have you tried counselling? He probably has his own side to all this. Neither of you is pleasing the other at the moment so it sounds as if the relationship will end unless you both take steps to resolve things. If that’s what you even want.

Not sure where I said he was doing "all these things wrong". In fact, what I said was that I made a joke with him about the fact that he'd put something in the cupboard that was supposed to go in the fridge and it'd gone off. I wasn't remotely bothered that he'd done it and just laughed it off. This resulted in him storming off sighing and then driving erratically with myself and our son in the car. I said I mostly do the shopping because he will bombard me with messages and buys the wrong things if he does it, that's just the way it is. He does wash up most days, badly, so that I end up doing most of it again myself, which I have spoken to him about, but even when I joke about it he gets very defensive and hostile.

It's not being passive aggressive to point out that I do most of the things at home and all of the cooking. My thread wasn't about him not pulling his weight around the house but about his emotional abuse, I simply pointed out that he does spend most of the day vaping and playing on his phone while I look after DS, change him, cook, wash up, do laundry, shopping etc. I do all of the night shifts with DS and every morning waking, get him down for naps and bedtime, whilst DH stays in bed until he feels like getting up. That's not subjective, it's fact.

I have tried speaking with him but anytime I try to address any issues even jokingly or in a friendly way, I am told that I'm trying to cause an argument or that only managers say to their staff that they want a chat or a word and it's not something a wife should say to their husband. He would not agree to counselling, as I have suggested it previously, as he says that if a marriage needs counselling then it's over. I have kept at this relationship for years and defended my DH when friends and family insisted he was no good for me when he used to smoke weed and stay in bed till 3 in the afternoon while I'd go out to work and then come home to mess everywhere. I didn't go to university because he said he would not stay with me if I did so, I never had nights out with friends because he would message me all night if I did go out asking when I'd be back, and sit and watch cctv of our front door to check when I would come back. I'm not just looking for an excuse to chuck this relationship away as I've invested half of my life into it and I feel very torn, DH and I make each other laugh and he's obviously the father of my DS so I feel sad to be in this position, but I need to weigh it all up.

I don't know what else to say really, I'm severely sleep deprived (have not slept for more than two hours since before DS was born and he's currently teething and up every hour) so apologies if it's a jumble.

@Coronawireless

To his face you criticise the way he shops, unpacks shopping, cleans high chairs, drives, speaks and eats. He has to send you photos from the shop of what to buy, otherwise he knows you’ll find fault with whatever he brings home. He is the one walking on eggshells. Wake up and look at your behaviour. Let him go - give him a chance to find someone who isn’t constantly irritated by him.

I didn't criticise the way he cleaned a high chair? I haven't done any of what you've said actually. And as for criticising the way he drives, yes I was quite fearful when he was driving over the speed limit, yanking the steering wheel and braking harshly whilst saying he wanted to punch someone in the face. I'm not sure how that's being emotionally abusive.

@coronawireless I'm wondering what thread you are reading because it's not the same one I am. You are twisting what the OP is writing in order to make her look like the bully not the victim.

OP you know you need to leave, your self esteem and confidence has been crushed over a period of time by his behaviour. It's not the environment to bring up a child. If he's lying in bed most mornings, can you go for an early walk to make some calls?

Wtf are some people saying?! Please read the OP’s most recent post. He’s controlling, a bus vie, has pulled her down and away from her friends by his behaviour. He’s a lazy weed smoking arse who terrifies her with his driving and does fuck all with his child.

OP, get out. Get the housing application done, cite abuse. Contact your landlord and tell him you need to come off the tenancy and get yourself out. He will not be allowed overnights with a breastfed baby, plus he won’t want to have him much, he’s a lazy useless twat.

If you can find a reason to go to the chemist, boots stores will let you use their consultation room to ring women's aid.

For rent, you can get housing benefit paid towards two properties for a short time if you need to flee abuse
www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-violence-and-abuse-help-from-dwp/help-available-from-the-department-for-work-and-pensions-for-people-who-are-victims-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse#housing-benefit
You can get either 4 weeks if you move out permanently but are still liable for rent, or longer if you intended to return (eg. If you stay somewhere else while sorting out court orders to make him leave the family home).

So sorry you are going through this. I feel I am going through similar at the moment and not sure if it could be emotional abuse. My OH has not spoken properly to me in nearly a week, when I finally got it out of him he said I was draining and controlling. I told him it has made me cry every night but he doesn't care, always makes himself the victim. We have a child too.
Definitely get out as soon as you can. Sending you hugs.

OP ignore Corona, who thinks she can declare that in fact your are the emotionally abusive one - so unhelpful!!! The difficulty is that he flip flops between being nasty and nice. You need to be ready to leave during a nasty period, so that you have the guts to do it

OP, what’s your landlord like?

I would be expecting some flexibility to get out of the tenancy once they understand there is domestic abuse.

Maybe ask your two friends (the ones who encouraged you to leave) if they wouldnt mind looking after your cat short term so you can stay with your mum until you find someplace of your own?

He sounds horrible to live with. Needy AF and I can completely understand your 'walking on eggshells' comment, it sounds like you are desperately trying to manage every situation so it doesnt become hostile rather than just honestly reacting how you would if it was with anyone else.

Best case scenario for your child would be if you left whilst he was so little he cant remember any of your relationship dynamic and then he could (ideally) have two invested parents who spend time with him without him having to witness him emotionally abusing you. Though i suspect your partner will suddenly be a lot less interested if he has to do some of the hard bits instead of just the playing.

Apologies if things are difficult. Sometimes hard to say from a one-sided post. You don’t sound happy anyway so hope you manage to make some changes for the better in your life.

And can get some more sleep soon which may help with any decisions.

Sorry for abandoning thread. "D"H was horrid yesterday and has just drove off while I'm getting DS down for a nap. He is not talking to me and gives me one word answers when I try to speak to him but I don't understand what I've done wrong. He sighs and huffs constantly, yesterday was just awful he was in a horrible mood all day, telling me off for various things, being negative all the time. I'm sitting here trying not to cry with my heart pounding against my chest. I feel so so upset as I have been with this man for half of my life. Sorry just needed an outlet.