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Original poster

More children dilemma

61 replies

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 08:03

Hi all. Just wondered if anyone had been, or is in the same position as me. If so how how did it pan out? I'm 39 this year and my partner is 44. I have an 15 year old son from previous and so does my other half. He also has an older son, but lives a miles away and we only see him a couple of times a year. We did discuss more children when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old and we were both undecided, but 3 months after having my girl he booked a vasectomy. I was unsure as felt it was too soon to decide... I was knackered and recovering from a C section, so wasn't my priority then. I will also add to this I'm the only child and I lost my dad suddenly only a few months before giving birth, so I was not in the right frame of mind. Prior to his appointment to have the snip, I called him to say just see what your options are first. He came out and he'd had it done, his response was "I can have a reversal". Anyway fast forward on to last year, I was starting to think about having one more, but he has said he doesn't want anymore, no reversal, that's final, job done. Anyway I have tried to bumble on, but it has been in the back of my mind. Last week my close friend messaged me to tell me she was pregnant and it totally floored me. Ended up in tears all night. I think it's because my time is running out age wise, my girl starts school in September and I would just love one last experience of being a mom again before it's too late. I feel so fed up. I know my daughter has older siblings, but she is like an only child as they don't bother with her, because of the age gap. My friend who is pregnant also has a daughter the same age as mine and we regularly meet up (pre covid), so once things are back to some sort of normality I will be around her hearing all about the pregnancy (she doesn't know how I'm feeling, I feel too embarrassed to say.). Also I know my daughter once she starts seeing her friend she will start asking if she can have a baby brother/sister. I'm in such a rubbish situation 😕 Any advice, words of wisdom, same experiences etc would be greatly received.

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 30/01/2021 08:13

Its natural to be sad about no more children, it just takes time I think to process.

My son is ivf and frozen ones after him didnt work. I would have loved a sibling for him but it was not to be. I was sad for a while but very grateful for what I have. It will pass. (Think of all those sleepless nights! )

MissSmiley · 30/01/2021 08:20

@Emz04 I'm sorry this is hard for you but your partner has made it very clear he doesn't want anymore children. Either you leave him and try again with someone else or come to terms with what you have.

I have five children (from ivf) and I few years ago decided to have endometrial ablation to deal with very heavy periods at the beginning of my peri menopause and even with my big family and knowing I didn't want any more children I still felt really emotional and sad about the end of my fertile years, I've never regretted my decision.

SeahorseoramI · 30/01/2021 08:24

Have you a health cover at work? Our includes some counselling. It might be worth talking through the feelings of not having another with a professional. Because there will always be someone pregnant, even if you manage to avoid this friend.

category12 · 30/01/2021 08:27

I don't know why people always have this thing where they say about vasectomies "oh I can have a reversal" - no you can't, it needs to be treated as a permanent choice, reversal's not usually offered on the NHS so it's costly, it's not guaranteed to work and the chances of reversal working decrease the longer it is.

I think your dp should have been more honest when he chose to get the vasectomy - he said about a reversal as a sop to shut you up, but I think he was probably clear in his own mind that he wasn't having any more children.

Sorry you're upset. I'd weigh up what your options are, and make your peace with it either way.

venusandmars · 30/01/2021 08:31

Different situation, but at a similar age I had such a longing for 'just one more'. I had 2 dc from a previous relationship and my new dh and I agonised over it. We decided not to (for a variety of reasons), although every month I longed for a mistake to have happened. A couple of years later I felt entirely different, was happy to accept my family as it was, and now I am so glad we don't have a teenager.

It's a strong hormonal drive, but that doesn't always make it right. Even if it were possible for you to have a baby soon, there would be quite an age gap between your dd and the new baby. All the amazing things that you and your dp could do with a 5 / 6 / 7 year old child would be hindered by a small baby and toddler - and small babies are not always fun (either for the parent or for the older child). It's not you dd's decision to ask for a baby brother or sister - get them a pet.

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 08:38

@category12 yes and I think it's that is the part that hurts the most. When I called him just before the appointment to express my concerns and just asked him to see his options first. I was kind of expecting a call for him to discuss it with me first, but when he called me and said he'd had it done , but can be reversed I didn't think much of it. As I said I had just had a baby and was deep in greif about losing my dad. Now looking back I do feel very betrayed and like I've been lied to. He was never anti more kids and we discussed it when I was pregnant, but said wait and see. Then all of sudden it's like he changed his mind over night. I can't help but feel resentful. He just says he is too old. Was hoping someone may have been through something similar to see how it panned out for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 08:45

@venusandmars it's not that it's my daughters decision. I just gave that example of how this is going to be a painful reminder for me. She has pets.

He had 2 sons when I met him and I had 1. He was my age when he really wanted another child, and we had our daughter together (he was 40 when I had her) , so he now has 3 and I have 2. So the way he was feeling then about another child, isn't any different to me now. Its just the fact he was able to.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/01/2021 08:45

He wasn't clear or frank with you. It's whether you can get over that (or want to), and whether you'll always resent it. He decided 4 years ago no more children, you're on catch up.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2021 08:54

Yeah I agree with @category12
He decided he was having the vasectomy and didn’t really give you any options. It’s up to you if you can move on from it, or if you really want another child

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 08:55

I'm not on catch up. He said about having a reversal if I decided i wanted more at the time. That was his words, so I've always felt at ease I had that option there, so just carried on. Then last year when i discussed having more and he said no to a reversal.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2021 08:57

A vasectomy is a fairly serious medical step to take though, he could have just used condoms and then discussed it with you about more kids, or you could have used other contraception

category12 · 30/01/2021 08:59

Hmm, well, if you're not on catch up then you haven't really been very realistic. I realise you've had a lot going on, but did you really think it was as simple as he'll just get a reversal if you said you wanted him to, and it would just happen and you could start TTC? Do you have the money for a reversal lying around? Did you understand that as years pass the chances of a reversal working drop?

category12 · 30/01/2021 09:02

Cos you may not have realised all that, but he will have had it explained when he requested the vasectomy.

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 09:04

Yes I was fully aware of the time scales... I did the research. Hence why I was asking last year when the reversal would have had a 75% chance of success. Now it would be 50% and after 5 years drops more. Yes he has more than enough money to fund a reversal

OP posts:

category12 · 30/01/2021 09:08

The point is, you don't make a decision like getting a vasectomy unless you're sure you don't want more kids. He made his decision 4 years ago, the reversal thing was just blather.

Dozer · 30/01/2021 09:13

He didn’t handle his communication with you about his vasectomy well, but wasn’t U to have one, as it’s his body and fertility. Reversal is unrealistic: v low odds of working, and often also necessitates IVF with all that entails. Odds poor given your respective ages etc. Sensible to assume that DC4 for him / DC3 for you can’t happen.

Your youngest DC will be fine without a younger sibling. Wanting a sibling isn’t the same as having one. Sibling issues are a challenge for many families, and yours is also ‘blended’. With a big age gap, which there would be, some psychologists say the experience of both DCs is more like being an only

Sounds like your DP has a crap relationship with his 2nd DC, only seeing him twice a year.

If you’re not married, unless you personally are highly paid and well off, that’s a further reason not to ttc another since it’d further hamper your personal earning ability.

In your shoes would work to accept you won’t have as many Dc as you’d like (understand that as I have fewer than I’d like due to fertility) then consider / take decisions about the relationship.

Tier10 · 30/01/2021 09:13

I think there’s two issues here.

Your DH not giving you the chance to discuss his vasectomy as a couple, he made his decision which of course he can, it’s his body but that isn’t what couples do. These things should be discussed properly first.
The broodiness feeling that is really common when a child is 4 and starting school. I had it really bad when my third DC started school but deep down I knew the answer wasn’t to have a baby every time one started school.

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 09:16

Well I didn't know that at the time. I thought he was being honest. I just believed what he was saying at the time.... stupid me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 09:23

@tier10. Yes your first point is definitely how I feel. I think if I'd have done something like that to him, he'd have said I don't care about him, consider him etc.
The second point not to much. When my son started school I didn't feel like that at all. I never thought about having more. This time it's more my age twinned with that she is starting school. I hadn't even thought about having more children till I met him and it was actually him who pushed for it.

OP posts:

Tier10 · 30/01/2021 09:31

I didn’t have it when my first two started school, only my third because deep down I knew he was my last DC.

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 09:36

@dozer
I wouldn't say reversals are unrealistic as people do have them and go on to have children. If done before 3 years they have a 75% success rate. But the issue is he won't so its 0% lol.

I know my daughter will be fine without siblings, that isn't really what I was trying to say. I was the only child and it was ok. It was lonely at times and I did wish I had one when younger, but when I found it the most difficult was when my dad was diagnosed with cancer at 59 and died within 2 months. I was pregnant and had no one to share that with.

As for his son the reason he sees him so little is because he lives over 250 miles away. He has his own life.

He definitely wasn't honest about it all though and this is probably the main issue. He has basically let me go through 3 years of thinking I could possibly have more If I decided.

OP posts:

dogmandu · 30/01/2021 09:54

He just says he is too old

I understand that perfectly. There comes a time when you just want a bit of relative calmness in your life and not constant noise and activity.

He should have made that clear upfront though.

Original poster

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 09:58

Yes he should have done.

Although he didn't really have to do much. He has never done 1 night with her. I have probably had 10 lies ins in the 4 years. I get her ready for bed, bath her, get her ready of a morning. He doesn't have to do anything. He's had it easy to be fair and he admits it.

OP posts:

SeahorseoramI · 30/01/2021 10:02

Yes he clearly hasnt just decided. He has just now been firm when talking to you about it. Very unfair to make you think there was a chance when he knew there wasnt.

SeahorseoramI · 30/01/2021 10:03

@Emz04

Yes he should have done.

Why would you want another with him then? If he isnt even parenting the one he has with you?

Do you work, btw?

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