More children dilemma

[Emz04]

Hi all. Just wondered if anyone had been, or is in the same position as me. If so how how did it pan out? I'm 39 this year and my partner is 44. I have an 15 year old son from previous and so does my other half. He also has an older son, but lives a miles away and we only see him a couple of times a year. We did discuss more children when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old and we were both undecided, but 3 months after having my girl he booked a vasectomy. I was unsure as felt it was too soon to decide... I was knackered and recovering from a C section, so wasn't my priority then. I will also add to this I'm the only child and I lost my dad suddenly only a few months before giving birth, so I was not in the right frame of mind. Prior to his appointment to have the snip, I called him to say just see what your options are first. He came out and he'd had it done, his response was "I can have a reversal". Anyway fast forward on to last year, I was starting to think about having one more, but he has said he doesn't want anymore, no reversal, that's final, job done. Anyway I have tried to bumble on, but it has been in the back of my mind. Last week my close friend messaged me to tell me she was pregnant and it totally floored me. Ended up in tears all night. I think it's because my time is running out age wise, my girl starts school in September and I would just love one last experience of being a mom again before it's too late. I feel so fed up. I know my daughter has older siblings, but she is like an only child as they don't bother with her, because of the age gap. My friend who is pregnant also has a daughter the same age as mine and we regularly meet up (pre covid), so once things are back to some sort of normality I will be around her hearing all about the pregnancy (she doesn't know how I'm feeling, I feel too embarrassed to say.). Also I know my daughter once she starts seeing her friend she will start asking if she can have a baby brother/sister. I'm in such a rubbish situation 😕 Any advice, words of wisdom, same experiences etc would be greatly received.

@misssmiley
Yes it's so hard. My other half has never got my grief fully, because he has never lost anyone close, he isn't close to his parents like I am either. He has been supportive on some aspects, but emotionally he is useless. Guess that's why I'm on a forum talking to strangers rather than him. I'm so sorry to hear your relationship never worked out and you're having to go through divorce 😔

[quote Emz04]@tier10
We did actually go for a couple of sessions last summer. It was all geared though from him that the counselling was about me accepting not having more children. So I spoke up in the session and said this shouldn't be just focused on me, u need to see what your actions have done. Well anyway he can't see it from my point of view as he doesn't have that urge. The counsellor didn't really say much but described it as an emotional trauma injury, the same as when someone cheats. Then lock down happened and we never went back. He wanted me to go on my own for the grief of my nan and to accept the children thing. [/quote]
But from what you have said here, again he's been as clear as day about it. You just haven't wanted to face up to it.

There is no compromise so you need to decide whether to stay with him and not have another baby or leave him and explore other options. You need to assess how this will impact on your existing children though.

Counselling solo for you would be a good idea.

Unfortunately I think that the fact he had the vasectomy when you had a 3 month old baby was him clearly saying then that he didn't want any more children.He would almost certainly have been told to regard a vasectomy as final so very unfair of him to suggest a reversal was a possible solution to a future change of heart, especially when so many other forms of contraception exist. I suspect he said that in the hope that you wouldn't want any more either. My DH has had 2 reversals and back in the day when I was researching options for surgeons and on fertility forums, I became aware of just how lucky we were that his were successful, many people weren't so lucky.

I think if his no is a definite no then you need to decide if you can live with the decision. However, he is absolutely entitled to feel too old to not have any more children, with or without a vasectomy.

For what it's worth he shouldn't have said what he did about the reversal. But it does sound like you have buried your head in the sand about that too- surely everyone knows it's not a case of just popping back to hospital to get it reversed.

I'd like to hear his side of the story with all of this to be honest,

Hes definitely entitled to feel no more kids, he shouldn't have mentioned a reversal from the start really, it's unfair. However you do have to decide what to do, and if you did leave him there is no guarantee you would have another child. I would go to therapy by yourself first to talk everything through with them.

Keep your options open. He does no childrearing, he has three nights a week alone as you stay elsewhere. I think this is a dangerous precedent to set. The child is quite clearly not his responsibility. Don't sacrifice your career.

Of course is he entitled to not want more kids, just the same as I'm entitled to want more. I really did ask to feel this way. I'm not forcing him to have more, I've got to respect his decision . It's me who has been given the ultimatum by him. If I want more, I need to find someone else, as brutal as that. No I agree it isn't at all guaranteed that if our relationship ended that I would find someone else.

I don't think I have buried my head in the sand at all. I just believed what he told me. That's usually how relationships work, trust and honesty and u believe what the other person says. Why would I not belive him when he said he would have a reversal if I decided I wanted more.

@Mcmooberry yes I did look on forums and because it was before the 3 years the success rate was much better at 75%. That's all irrelevant now. Its like your husband made a decision not to have more at that point in his life, yet he changed his mind. At the point when he had it done, I was undecided on whether I wanted more or not. Did your husband have the vasectomy again after you had your child.

Hi, he had a one-sided reversal as the other side was too high up to be done under sedation and local anaesthetic and we conceived our first child very quickly after that (even with a low sperm count as we had a semen analysis done). Then he had a GA to reverse the other side and we had ivf to have our 2nd and 3rd children. I am now late 40s so he hasn't had another vasectomy, would assume he would have a low sperm count and I am too old! My husband had no previous children but a previous partner who had children talked him into it. It nearly stopped me marrying him and if we hadn't been able to have children I doubt our marriage would have survived, I wouldn't love anyone enough to give up having children. In the way you have to decide if you love him enough not to resent him for his decision. Further counselling might help?

@Mcmooberry.
Wow so you didn't just have 1 more you went on to have 3. That's amazing.

I'm so glad you have said that and kind of understand. Its not for not loving the person, its the fact that the urge is so strong to want another. Its so weird. He has basically said that if I'm thinking of going elsewhere for children, then I must not love him. I wished it was as simple as that. If I didn't love him, it would be easy to walk away. I have have no idea what to do.

Having a vasectomy with no children as well, I'm surprised they even did it for him.