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Original poster

More children dilemma

61 replies

Emz04 · 30/01/2021 08:03

Hi all. Just wondered if anyone had been, or is in the same position as me. If so how how did it pan out? I'm 39 this year and my partner is 44. I have an 15 year old son from previous and so does my other half. He also has an older son, but lives a miles away and we only see him a couple of times a year. We did discuss more children when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old and we were both undecided, but 3 months after having my girl he booked a vasectomy. I was unsure as felt it was too soon to decide... I was knackered and recovering from a C section, so wasn't my priority then. I will also add to this I'm the only child and I lost my dad suddenly only a few months before giving birth, so I was not in the right frame of mind. Prior to his appointment to have the snip, I called him to say just see what your options are first. He came out and he'd had it done, his response was "I can have a reversal". Anyway fast forward on to last year, I was starting to think about having one more, but he has said he doesn't want anymore, no reversal, that's final, job done. Anyway I have tried to bumble on, but it has been in the back of my mind. Last week my close friend messaged me to tell me she was pregnant and it totally floored me. Ended up in tears all night. I think it's because my time is running out age wise, my girl starts school in September and I would just love one last experience of being a mom again before it's too late. I feel so fed up. I know my daughter has older siblings, but she is like an only child as they don't bother with her, because of the age gap. My friend who is pregnant also has a daughter the same age as mine and we regularly meet up (pre covid), so once things are back to some sort of normality I will be around her hearing all about the pregnancy (she doesn't know how I'm feeling, I feel too embarrassed to say.). Also I know my daughter once she starts seeing her friend she will start asking if she can have a baby brother/sister. I'm in such a rubbish situation 😕 Any advice, words of wisdom, same experiences etc would be greatly received.

OP posts:
dogmandu · 30/01/2021 10:08

It's not just the lie ins etc but more the daily stress of keeping an eye on them every second of the day when they are small and basically not having one free minute to yourself to just relax for half an hour. I was able to easily do all of the above when I was younger but now that I'm a granny it's a joy to look after my grandchildren but I'm so glad when a successful day is over and they go back to their parents. I love them to bits and wouldn't be without them for the world, but I do get weary after a while and long for a rest.

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 10:10

I don't mind as I enjoy being a mom. Also he does do the cooking so it's a compromise I guess. I was just saying it because it's not like he has struggled with the sleepless nights etc etc.

Yes I work. Why do you ask this?

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Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 10:13

Trust me he has plenty of time to rest and switch off.

I stay at my moms 3 x a week when I'm at work as it's much easier, because she looks after them while I'm at work.

OP posts:
dogmandu · 30/01/2021 10:29

is there any chance of grandchildren coming long with any of the others? They hold a very special place in our hearts and might go some way to filling that empty space in your heart. Sending hugs to you....

baileys6904 · 30/01/2021 10:47

What happened to ' their body their choise' or does that only apply to women?
If someone posts on here that they want an abortion but their partner doesn't for example, or they want to take birth control or have no kids but their partner doesn't, that's the usual advice
I'm really sorry op, my criticism isn't aimed at you. I can understand how gutted you are and hope that you come through it OK. I think the finality of a situation can sometimes play havoc with emotions. But perhaps look at the positives of your family rather than the negatives x

category12 · 30/01/2021 11:01

Of course it's his body and his choice not to have any more children. But it's not fair to hold out false hopes to your partner that you are willing to have more.

That's where he has fucked up.

If he was certain enough to get a vasectomy, he should have been frank with her that that was it for him. Instead he's left her thinking he was open to trying if she wanted, and that's several years of her fertility window that he's wasted for her, if she wants more dc more than she wants the relationship.

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 11:03

@dogmanu
Not for some years yet. My oldest is only 15, so hoping it will be a while off yet. Not because of me not wanting them, but more for his sake to live his life. Also I tend to think the girls seek more towards their parents for help. I know that's not always the case.
I know what you're saying though. My mom absolutely loves being a nan. Me being pregnant when my dad died gave us all some hope and distraction. It was an awful awful time (still is), she definitely happened for a reason I believe. I think this is a contributing factor towards how I'm feeling. I'm very close to my mom and dad, me and my son still lived at home at home at the time when my dad was diagnosed and died, plus I'm the only child. It has made me more aware of how important family is. Its hard to describe.

Yes I totally get that it's his body and his decision etc. The same I can't help how I feel and I can't even describe it. What I don't agree with it how it's all been done. I really don't feel it's been fair on me. When he had it done he should have said that's that if he felt that way. Not gave me 3 years of thinking I could possibility have more if he wanted. Thinking he would have a reversal if needed. Kind of feel I was lead up the garden path and that's not nice feeling on many levels.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 11:07

@category12 thank you.

You have knocked the nail on the head with that. It's not that I definitely want to leave the relationship, but feel totally robbed of those years if I wanted to meet someone else. I'm 39 this year and as you say my fertility window is very limited. Feel even more backed into a corner.

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Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 11:16

@misssmiley
I can understand that natural feeling, but just imagine if you had only had 2 and was desperately wanting another. Maybe this would have been much more traumatic emotionally for you. The difference you didn't want more but still felt it to a degree. I do hope the procedure helped you.

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MissSmiley · 30/01/2021 11:30

@Emz04 I completely understand desperately wanting more with my background of infertility what I meant was I knew 100% that I didn't want more and it still upset me that I wouldn't be able to in the future if that makes sense, I'm sure in your situation I would leave and have another child alone or with a new partner, kids come first, partners may not stick around anyway

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 11:38

@misssmiley sorry I think I misunderstood your comment.
It's such a horrible shitty feeling and wished I didn't feel like this, because everything would be OK.

You know what I'd never thought about it like that, but you're so right. Imagine if I gave up having another child for him, then in 5 years my he decided he didn't want to be with me, or met someone. It does happen. That would be even worse. Wow I'd not even considered this.

But on the other hand I'd feel selfish ending a relationship to have another baby and upset the kids. Well that's kind of what he said. He was pissed saying that I want to go off and meet someone to have a baby. Jesus I'm in such a shit shit situation 🤦

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NeilBuchananisBanksy · 30/01/2021 11:39

Sorry but I think he has been clear to you, it just sounds like you haven't wanted to hear it.

He had the snip. He's told you he doesn't want more kids. It's pretty obvious and I don't understand why it's such a shock.

There is no compromises with this sadly.

category12 · 30/01/2021 11:44

It's a shock because he told her he'd be willing to get a reversal and only recently has been definitive about it not happening.

I do think to a certain extent, it was convenient to believe so she didn't face up to the stark reality of what his decision meant at the time.

But he shouldn't have proffered the carrot of a reversal.

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 11:50

I'm sorry but I strongly disagree. How is that being honest " yes I've had the snip, but I've had a talk with the consultant and he said I can have a reversal if we decided we did want more, with a decent success rate if done within 5 years ". Then it's left like that for 2.5 years, until I have "the chat" with him and he says outright no. It's not a case of me not wanting to hear it, I've heard it and that's what hurts, especially after what he said. That isn't honestly, it's giving someone false hope and it's cruel.

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MissSmiley · 30/01/2021 11:55

@Emz04 it's not selfish, you have to live your life in a way that makes you happy, won't you always resent him for taking this away from you?

Tier10 · 30/01/2021 11:59

Would you consider having a few sessions of counselling to help with how you feel?

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 12:00

@misssmiley
I think there will always be that element there. I feel it now, but it's the thought of the break up, the heart ache then the meeting someone else, introducing them to my children. It's just all very daunting. Either way it's going to get messy and be painful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 12:07

@tier10
We did actually go for a couple of sessions last summer. It was all geared though from him that the counselling was about me accepting not having more children. So I spoke up in the session and said this shouldn't be just focused on me, u need to see what your actions have done. Well anyway he can't see it from my point of view as he doesn't have that urge. The counsellor didn't really say much but described it as an emotional trauma injury, the same as when someone cheats. Then lock down happened and we never went back. He wanted me to go on my own for the grief of my nan and to accept the children thing.

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itwillbehormones · 30/01/2021 12:12

I feel he's made his decision on the subject really clear as a day. On face he couldn't be much clearer!

I think you need to accept this and respect his decision the same way a man pressuring a women to have a baby would be spoken too.

Also as another poster said it's hard and maybe talking to someone will help.

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 12:18

Yes he has definitely made his decision. The decision is now with me and what I do going forward. Just was hoping someone may have been through the same and share their experience of it and what happen after.

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Tier10 · 30/01/2021 12:22

I was thinking of individual counselling, not joint counselling. It may help with the loss of your DF too. I lost my DF and had 6 and have just had six sessions of counselling and I think it’s helped me.

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 12:23

Sorry grief for my dad. Is there any way you can edit your own post if you make a mistake

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MissSmiley · 30/01/2021 12:40

@Emz04 I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, don't underestimate how the loss of a parent can affect your relationship. I lost mine 12 years ago and it really shook my relationship, we had therapy but ultimately it highlighted problems that couldn't be fixed, I stayed another 8 years and wish I hadn't, I'm getting divorced now after 20 odd years, should have listened to my raw feelings back then instead

autumnalrain · 30/01/2021 12:45

Hi OP. I didn't want to read and run but I hope you're open to objective advice. Because in my opinion...

His body, his choice.

Thats where the conversation begins and ends. You can feel sad and mourn the fact you won't be able to have another child with him. But to feel betrayed that he made a decision to do something to his body is OTT. He's not just a baby-making machine, he's your SO. And if you are contemplating leaving him for another child (despite already having two) suggests that you are already unhappy in the relationship and this was just the nail in the coffin that made you realise you might want out.

Original poster
Emz04 · 30/01/2021 13:04

Yes you are entitled to your opinion. Just like I am entitled to feel betrayed, which I do. If he'd have said from the start, I'm having this vasectomy because I don't want anymore kids and never will, that's fair enough BUT he didn't. He let me think and believe that chance was still there IF I wanted do for 2.5 years. He never said otherwise.

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