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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being unreasonable?

87 replies

Boston2010 · 29/01/2021 16:02

I have been seeing someone since around December (we both live alone so have bubbled), things have been going really well but today he was being rude and abrupt. After asking several times, he admitted it was because he was annoyed at some posts from my social media (from before I met him!) where I was with other men Confused none of them are exes, all just friends. I explained that to him and he is now not responding to my messages, it’s really stressful.

Wtf is going on? We get on really well and I feel our relationship has a lot of potential but I’m so confused and he is treating me as if I have done something wrong. Sad

OP posts:
LawnFever · 29/01/2021 17:27

He is still ignoring me currently, not sure if he will just ghost now but I won’t be sending any more messages

Turn this around, you’ve taken the decision not to contact him because of this behaviour Smile

I’d just block him now, there’s no point having any further conversation with him, and you can be in control of that

prawncocktailpringles · 29/01/2021 17:29

@Boston2010

Thanks for all the responses - just reading through properly now! Didn’t expect such a overwhelming response of ‘get rid’ - but everyone’s points are totally valid. I was in a controlling/emotionally abusive relationship previously which ended several months ago, I think I am going to take a break from dating since my judgement is still pretty shit since I’ve been sitting here all day trying to work out what I have done wrong or how to make him feel less paranoid Confused which is ridiculous.

He is still ignoring me currently, not sure if he will just ghost now but I won’t be sending any more messages.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You had enough of an inkling to post here and listen to the responses.
CanNotStandTheBull · 29/01/2021 17:31

Go easy on yourself. You knew it wasn't right because you posted.

Block him and move on. Don't try and 'prove' your innocence.

litterbird · 29/01/2021 17:33

Well done for posting here. You need to spend time further recovering from your previous abusive relationship. Its very common to jump from one abusive relationship to another if you haven't healed or understood why you are attracted to them in the first place. Yes, please take some time away from dating and get to grips with the important part of healing. Once you have healed you will be able to spot an abuser fairly quickly as you will understand and notice the red flags.

PurpleMustang · 29/01/2021 17:38

Your should not feel guilty about past Facebook posts with friends for goodness sake. Why are you sitting there wasting time thinking of how to make this better for him. What he is doing is telling you in a subtle ways that he is not happy that you have male friends. And when you want to meet them again you will be all sorts of anxious about it because of him. He wants you to stop seeing them but no doubt will have female friends that will be ok for him to see, as he didn't 'ask' you to stop seeing your friends. Run, hills, that way ⏭

Sexnotgender · 29/01/2021 17:41

Be glad you found out what an ass he is so soon!

ilikemethewayiam · 29/01/2021 17:43

I suspect when he realises you are not messaging him, he will contact you. Be prepared for him to try to hoover you back in!

isla376 · 29/01/2021 17:45

Omg he's so insecure and childish. He's showing you who he really is. I know we're not all perfect but come on? Can you imagine the future if a man flirted with you? He's the type who blames his girlfriend. Not good hun I'd take a step back now and go no contact on his ass! Like he's doing to you!!!

LawnFever · 29/01/2021 17:45

@ilikemethewayiam

I suspect when he realises you are not messaging him, he will contact you. Be prepared for him to try to hoover you back in!
Which is why it would be best for the OPto block him now so there’s no need to even worry about this happening Smile
Aimee1987 · 29/01/2021 17:48

Run run run run.

CodMouth · 29/01/2021 17:49

He’s trying to control and wear you down.

His next step will be to ask you to delete the messages because it upsets him.
If you stay with him you’ll be looking at the floor when you’re out with him in case you get accused of eyeing up men, wearing “modest” clothes and sharing your phone with him.
Get out now.

Aimee1987 · 29/01/2021 17:49

And agree with others either block or if he does try to contact you again completly ignore

tenlittlecygnets · 29/01/2021 17:55

You're only been seeing him a month and he's giving you a hard time about a life you had before him???

Red flag. Ignore him. Then poss dump him if he doesn't apologise profusely.

barskits · 29/01/2021 18:07

He is still ignoring me currently Thank heavens for small mercies!!!

It makes all the easier for you to immediately dump, block and ignore any attempts he makes to get back in contact with you. If he's been trawling your social media, then make sure your security settings are tightened up and he can't see anything. Block any of his friends you know as well.

Colourmeclear · 29/01/2021 18:13

I expect when he's done sulking, he'll contact you and say he's only jealous because you're so beautiful and so perfect and if you didn't talk to X,y or z on social media then he wouldn't get so jealous and encourage you to cut people off. You deserve better.

Chiccie · 29/01/2021 18:14

Oh wow. You sat there trying to work out how to make him less paranoid? Read that back to yourself. You definitely shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. Get help. His behaviour is 100% unacceptable and it is an immediate dumping offensive. Don’t message him. Don’t create drama (that’s what he wants). Just ignore and block. No more contact. He’s a leech and this is the first step to control. He’s baiting you to see how much shit you’ll take.

Wanderlusto · 29/01/2021 18:16

Abuser alert.

This is him testing to see if instead of 5telling him to fuck off, you will try and make him feel more secure. If you do the later he knows he has you under his spell. He will ramp up the abuse in stages. Probably intermitedly with being nice. So that you will wonder if you are unfair to not be ok with his bs.

Atm the silent treatment is to drive you nuts. He may wait a few days then be lovely again. Or stay in the 'you need to prove your innocence' mode. Either way - he crazzzzzzzy. And he means you harm.

I suggest textibg 'on consideration of your behaviour, it is not acceptable. I have decided not to take this relationship any further, goodbye'. Then block before he has the chance to reply with mindfuckery.

FelicityPike · 29/01/2021 18:27

@Colourmeclear

I expect when he's done sulking, he'll contact you and say he's only jealous because you're so beautiful and so perfect and if you didn't talk to X,y or z on social media then he wouldn't get so jealous and encourage you to cut people off. You deserve better.
^^this!
ilikemethewayiam · 29/01/2021 19:31

@LawnFever

Which is why it would be best for the OPto block him now so there’s no need to even worry about this happening

Totally agree! Block, block, block

sammylady37 · 29/01/2021 19:32

He’ll no doubt also trot out the line that it’s not you he doesn’t trust, it’s other men. He knows what they’re like and you need him to protect you from them etc

Block him so that he doesn’t attempt to worm his way back in to your life.

Dery · 29/01/2021 20:11

“Abuser alert.

This is him testing to see if instead of 5telling him to fuck off, you will try and make him feel more secure. If you do the later he knows he has you under his spell. He will ramp up the abuse in stages. Probably intermitedly with being nice. So that you will wonder if you are unfair to not be ok with his bs.

Atm the silent treatment is to drive you nuts. He may wait a few days then be lovely again. Or stay in the 'you need to prove your innocence' mode. Either way - he crazzzzzzzy. And he means you harm.”

This with bells on. Especially the last sentence. These are not the actions of a man who cares about you as a person. They are the actions of a man who thinks he owns you and can control you.

AnitaB888 · 29/01/2021 20:22

He's ignoring you so, apart from anything else it's just plain rude. So you block/delete/flush whatever.

Who needs this kind of cr*p in their lives? I'm sure you don't.

Move on, OP and find a guy with some manners, you deserve better than this.

barskits · 30/01/2021 00:58

When he finds out you've dumped him, no doubt he's be itching to tell you that he knew you were cheating on him all along and he was right to suspect you.

TedMullins · 30/01/2021 01:10

Dump dump dump dump dump block block block block block! This is controlling and abusive and you’ve done nothing wrong. Get rid

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/01/2021 01:20

He’s totally unreasonable, time to wrap this up l think. @Silenceisgolden20 exactly! She should have been waiting and saving herself for him Confused