I can't be anymore honest yet he's not reacting

[Londoncallsme33]

I'll start of saying we are not married. We have talked about trying harder for ages. His attitude is after 3 years of no sex he thinks in a couple of years we will be able to get it back. He blames the lack of sex on the kids. But it's not just sex. It's interests. Conversations. I simply do not look at him sexually anymore as he's choosen the sofa over me for months. He was happy to plod on like that and I was miserable and missing an adult bond.

We've spoken 4 times in total about the fact we have failed. In that time a man I have been friends with for years has become someone I am extremely close to. We want more. We are so attracted to eachother and we have been in contact constantly now for months and months.

A week ago I sat my failing relationship down and said I'm going to be 100% honest with you. Since we spoke about not working anymore I've been talking to someone else. We've got very close. I answered all his questions. Told him there are feelings there. He asked me bits and bobs. Then he just said you've done nothing wrong. I think it's because you are both lonely. I understand why you did it. He shrugged it off and then continued to say do you think one day you might fancy me again. Do you think this and that. I said right now I feel how I have been feeling for months.

He since then has basically said again he thinks we will be ok one day. It will sort itself. It's covid. It's the kids. It's this and that.

He showed no hurt. He dismissed everything. He won't react.

I don't know what else I can say to him. We can continue living together for a while for the children under covid is over and we can sort the house. That's fine. We are not arguing. But I feel stuck. This is exactly how all his family are. They never argue. They never get passionate. They never show hurt. His mum and sister are the same. They let people do whatever.

The day after I told him he said I bet you think I don't care because I'm so calm. I said well most people would want to deal with it more. He said you haven't done anything wrong really. Technically you just was lonely and wanted attention so you chatted to someone else. He refuses to understand I have real feelings for him too.

How do I go forward now? Please don't suggest selling the house now. It will take some time. Thanks.

What are your plans? To leave your partner for this new man? Have you actually told him that bit? It sounds like your partner thinks you've been nattering to someone else out of boredom and loneliness and doesn't realise you have feelings for this other person.

Maybe you need to be way more direct. Tell him you don't love him, you don't want to be with him, you see your future with someone else, and can he please start making his own plans for the future.

You have to actually tell him it's over between you. You're telling him you have feelings for someone else but you're not cutting the cord with him.

You need to decide your steps going forward and lay them out for him.

Sit him down.
FR (failed relationship) you and I are not working and I am going to leave you.
We will have to sell the house or one of us buy the other out and move forward but we can't do that right now. The timeline for this will be XX.
From the date XX we will live separately. We will have to speak to the kids before then, we can do this together, to acclimatise them to it.
You will continue to be on the sofa. I am going to persue a relationship with NewMan. I will not bring him home, but he will be my boyfriend going forward, not you.

hypocracy on this forum is unreal.

You're already essentially housemates and not in a relationship. You tell him its officially over and you are separated, spell it out. You say that for now you can continue to live as you are until COVID allows some normality. In the meantime you separate any finances and look into selling the house etc.
Do not jump into a relationship with this other person. Talking is all well and good but if you haven't spent any actual time together you don't really know them at all. You have children to think about here.

No not to be with this man at this stage. I would like to be able to spend time with him but only like a cup of tea at his house sometimes or a trip out somewhere. I couldn't say for sure at this stage if we would be the real deal. He's someone that has become a best friend but we have acknowledged that it could become more over time. We really do get on.

One of the things that has ruined us I think is the fact my partner won't ever argue, bicker or get heated. Not once in 9 years have we bickered. I realise now that's because he just accepts anything and goes with it. But it's created a really unhealthy balance.

He had therapy years ago for a separate thing and he used his therapy on me to say why I behave how I do. How the guy I likes brain works. How humans respond and react. I just sat there thinking this is ridiculous. He's trying to analyse me instead of realise that we have not got a relationship anymore.
H

if the OP was a guy there would be pitch forks out.

Dude. Is he your partner or not.

You can't keep him on the hook by not definitively telling him if you're over or not.

You are not free to be best friends with a male you have feelings for.

You need to sort your head out.

@daddyshark1976

Ive not cheated.
I've not had sex for three years.
I've not been kissed for the same time.
I've slept alone.
I sit alone at night.
We do our own thing.

I for talking to someone. He made me laugh etc. Made me realise I wasn't living anymore. So I spoke to my partner three times. With tea and serious conversation I said exactly how I felt. I pointed out all the things that were unhealthy. I pointed out the excuses. Nothing changes.

After this for two months I've been alone and nothing has changed. So I decided I wanted to tell him how I was feeling about the other man. How he's been chatting to me. Ringing me. Going for a walk with me on the evenings. We haven't kissed. We haven't touched. It's no different to being with a female friend. The only difference is I'd like to date him and he'd like to date me when everything is untangled.

I am far to young to spend the rest of my life in bed alone without any adult conversation.

[quote Londoncallsme33]@daddyshark1976

Ive not cheated.
I've not had sex for three years.
I've not been kissed for the same time.
I've slept alone.
I sit alone at night.
We do our own thing.

I for talking to someone. He made me laugh etc. Made me realise I wasn't living anymore. So I spoke to my partner three times. With tea and serious conversation I said exactly how I felt. I pointed out all the things that were unhealthy. I pointed out the excuses. Nothing changes.

After this for two months I've been alone and nothing has changed. So I decided I wanted to tell him how I was feeling about the other man. How he's been chatting to me. Ringing me. Going for a walk with me on the evenings. We haven't kissed. We haven't touched. It's no different to being with a female friend. The only difference is I'd like to date him and he'd like to date me when everything is untangled.

I am far to young to spend the rest of my life in bed alone without any adult conversation.[/quote]
I do get it, I've been in the same boat, and the lack of sex was longer than your 3 years.

I'm merely pointing out that if you were a male and posted about this you would be getting attacked but you won't because you are female.

I think your DP has mistaken why you have told him all this.

He thinks you are confessing and want forgiveness

You were telling him as a warning: that if nothing changes this is the path you can see yourself heading down

I think you need to be clearer that it was a warning and that things need to change or else you will be leaving.

Well cheating is wrong. Wanting to change your life because you have already spent too many years alone is hardly criminal whether male or female. We are human and have needs. What is wrong is having intimacy with someone then bedding your partner.

I would never take this lightly. Yes the other man has made me realise what's happening. He's made me realise what I deserve. He isn't going to touch me or step on my partner's toes. He's just being an amazing friend right now. Without him id be miserable. I really would. He's the only person who keeps in touch with me and it's not sex talk. It's the same talk you would have with a friend.

I think you need to make a clear cut statement? Are you together or not? It doesn't sound like either of you know. I think you need to be very, very straightforward and clear in your decision. If you are no longer together then tell him that. Doesn't sound like he's aware.

He's not going to change so the relationship is over. No? Because you seem unclear about that.

If no one ever disagrees, someone isn't getting their needs met. In this case neither of you are so firmly end the relationship. Unless I'm missing something.

Tell him directly you have been having an affair and you wish the relationship to end.

@daddyshark1976

hypocracy on this forum is unreal.

Isn't it just?

He clearly isn't bothered about improving your relationship. Comments that you will get back to normal some day etc. How does he think it will happen with no effort?

Just end it with him, he will never make you happy. He doesn't care enough to make an effort.

Sounds like it's over. Just make it official.

I would end the relationship because you're not happy not because you want to date this other guy.

Have a break for yourself. Don't look for another man as a way out.

I would say the same to a man. Men tend to stay unhappy until there is another option. Don't do that.

He doesn't want to put the effort into the relationship and you shouldn't be waiting around hoping it'll get better, it's been long enough now.

" I've been talking to someone else. We've got very close. I answered all his questions. Told him there are feelings there. "

You are cheating sorry, you are having an emotional affair.
I don't think you are looking at your own behaviour in this.
You should sort out/break up with your husband before you start looking outside your marriage.

I've tried to understand his behaviour. Like I say his mum is the same. His sister is married to someone who won't lift a finger. He's rude. He's banned her dad from their home. Yet my partner's mum does everything for him whilst her husband sits home alone. It's the most ridiculous set up and now I see the same behaviour in my partner.

I want him to react. But like I say Ive said we need to be friends for the kids and get along. We can do that. But I feel that romantically it's over. He said he doesn't want to hear it or that means there's no hope.

This probably sounds mean but I don't look at him sexually anymore. The thought of kissing him and getting passionate feels ridiculous and cringe. I don't want that with him.

Its not just sex either. I've always led the relationship. I'm not bossy. But I have to make every decision. I have to sort everything from holidays to food shopping to home improvements. To everyone's presents. It's always me. I realise now there's no balance with that stuff either. Just feels like a dead end with am easy friendship to have for the sake of the kids.

I just can't say anymore than I have.

Then end it?

@daddyshark1976

hypocracy on this forum is unreal.

Yep!! Surprised I haven't read 'why aren't you married' yet either

You have to say more than you have, OP.

*You can't keep him on the hook by not definitively telling him if you're over or not.

You are not free to be best friends with a male you have feelings for.*

^ this. He’s taken this as a confession. You meant it as a threat.

Now it’s your turn. Who do you want? You can’t sit in the middle, wish that he’d fight for you, and just keep saying that you warned him while talking to your friend.

You need to comprehensively end things if that’s what you want to do, so that you’re free to pursue the other man. Or you need to stop talking to the other man. There isn’t a middle ground. It’s a little ironic that you’re annoyed he’s so passive when you’ve taken the most passive route possible...

I want him to react

Do you want him to fight for you?
Or is it over anyway?

It sounds pretty over. It sounds like this was never going to work and now your head has been turned... so now it’s time to take the decisive action. If you’ve always had to do that, you must have expected it here too.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

Leave. Or plan to at least. You've already left emotionally, sexually and morally. Why not just put it out of its misery? You say he's passive but so are you.