I can't be anymore honest yet he's not reacting

[Londoncallsme33]

I'll start of saying we are not married. We have talked about trying harder for ages. His attitude is after 3 years of no sex he thinks in a couple of years we will be able to get it back. He blames the lack of sex on the kids. But it's not just sex. It's interests. Conversations. I simply do not look at him sexually anymore as he's choosen the sofa over me for months. He was happy to plod on like that and I was miserable and missing an adult bond.

We've spoken 4 times in total about the fact we have failed. In that time a man I have been friends with for years has become someone I am extremely close to. We want more. We are so attracted to eachother and we have been in contact constantly now for months and months.

A week ago I sat my failing relationship down and said I'm going to be 100% honest with you. Since we spoke about not working anymore I've been talking to someone else. We've got very close. I answered all his questions. Told him there are feelings there. He asked me bits and bobs. Then he just said you've done nothing wrong. I think it's because you are both lonely. I understand why you did it. He shrugged it off and then continued to say do you think one day you might fancy me again. Do you think this and that. I said right now I feel how I have been feeling for months.

He since then has basically said again he thinks we will be ok one day. It will sort itself. It's covid. It's the kids. It's this and that.

He showed no hurt. He dismissed everything. He won't react.

I don't know what else I can say to him. We can continue living together for a while for the children under covid is over and we can sort the house. That's fine. We are not arguing. But I feel stuck. This is exactly how all his family are. They never argue. They never get passionate. They never show hurt. His mum and sister are the same. They let people do whatever.

The day after I told him he said I bet you think I don't care because I'm so calm. I said well most people would want to deal with it more. He said you haven't done anything wrong really. Technically you just was lonely and wanted attention so you chatted to someone else. He refuses to understand I have real feelings for him too.

How do I go forward now? Please don't suggest selling the house now. It will take some time. Thanks.

You want a reaction? Stop. Just stop. It's over. The kindest thing you can do is tell him. Posting on mumsnet about how he makes you cringe now isn't helping your situation.

If you already have to make all the decisions, you're going to have to steer the break up too.

Best of luck and I hope you find some happiness.

If you were male you'd be called every name under the sun. Your DP thinks there's hope. End it, don't string him along until it's easier to sell the house. You're having an emotional affair. Whether you're having sex or not, it's pretty shitty behaviour.

You did this thread before and got told you were cheating.

You are cheating. Look up emotional affair.

What do you actually want from your partner - screaming rows and drama? Him to leave and just let you have the house and kids?

If you want to split up, you have to move it along yourself by putting the wheels in motion regarding your joint assets. In the meantime, it's better for everybody if there isn't a massive drama.

You said he comes from a family of people who don't react so why would he react?

You need to get an estate agent round and tell the kids that you're splitting. (Assuming the house is mortgaged) if it's rented find a new place to live and ask the landlord to take you off the contract. He's super passive so not going to do anything. You clearly have to get things rolling.

I think you're trying to get him to react, to show he at least cares, by telling him about this other guy. His view on life and relationships may differ from yours, or even 'the norm' but that doesn't mean it is wrong. If he's always been like this then he's probably not for you. If this is a change then I would consider whether he is suffering from low mood or depression. I'd bottom that out before you end it. If and when you do end it, dont take up a relationship with the other guy. Spend some time alone. Find out who you really are without your DP hanging onto you

Why do you need a reaction? You have decided you want the other man so you work out how to leave.

My mum left my dad for similar reasons. She said I’m married but not in a marriage. Weirdly the other man was just like my dad, and after a couple of years they split up too. My mum and dad get on brilliantly now they’re apart. They’ve helped each other out regularly for 20 years now.

So you haven't actually been straight with your dp and told him you want to separate, instead you have beat around the bush and started having an emotional affair with another man?

It sounds to me you wanted a reaction to make you feel better about your cheating. Would it ease your guilt if he had shouted and screamed at you and behaved unreasonably? Would that mean you were not the only one responsible for the breakup? Would it give you a much needed victim status in the breakup?

[quote Londoncallsme33]@daddyshark1976

Ive not cheated.
I've not had sex for three years.
I've not been kissed for the same time.
I've slept alone.
I sit alone at night.
We do our own thing.

I for talking to someone. He made me laugh etc. Made me realise I wasn't living anymore. So I spoke to my partner three times. With tea and serious conversation I said exactly how I felt. I pointed out all the things that were unhealthy. I pointed out the excuses. Nothing changes.

After this for two months I've been alone and nothing has changed. So I decided I wanted to tell him how I was feeling about the other man. How he's been chatting to me. Ringing me. Going for a walk with me on the evenings. We haven't kissed. We haven't touched. It's no different to being with a female friend. The only difference is I'd like to date him and he'd like to date me when everything is untangled.

I am far to young to spend the rest of my life in bed alone without any adult conversation.[/quote]
You have been having an emotional affair which is cheating.

Shit or get off the pot.

Your initial post is full of reasons why your partner is to blame for your emotional affair. He might be absolutely to blame for the state of your relationship but he is not to blame for your betrayal of him with an inappropriate friendship with another man.
That was your choice to meet your own needs when faced with a struggling relationship.
If you have tried everything and he is not listening or responding, then be honest and end the relationship before beginning a new one.
You have tried your best in this respect so he can’t expect you to put up with that and deserves to know that his lack of action is killing the relationship.
You may indeed deserve better and deserve to be happy, but someone you have willingly entered into a monogamous relationship with has the right to know you have moved the goalposts.
If things are as bad as you say then you deserve your freedom to be happy and he deserves the truth, so that he can learn from the experience and find a fulfilling relationship in which hopefully he behaves better. But his lack of response does not give you permission to have an affair of any kind.
Nobody deserves that kind of pain.

[quote Londoncallsme33]@daddyshark1976

Ive not cheated.
I've not had sex for three years.
I've not been kissed for the same time.
I've slept alone.
I sit alone at night.
We do our own thing.

I for talking to someone. He made me laugh etc. Made me realise I wasn't living anymore. So I spoke to my partner three times. With tea and serious conversation I said exactly how I felt. I pointed out all the things that were unhealthy. I pointed out the excuses. Nothing changes.

After this for two months I've been alone and nothing has changed. So I decided I wanted to tell him how I was feeling about the other man. How he's been chatting to me. Ringing me. Going for a walk with me on the evenings. We haven't kissed. We haven't touched. It's no different to being with a female friend. The only difference is I'd like to date him and he'd like to date me when everything is untangled.

I am far to young to spend the rest of my life in bed alone without any adult conversation.[/quote]
Yes, so you told your dp how you felt but didn't actually tell him you wanted to split, just carried on waiting for him to make changes all the while youbwere having a relationship with another man. Back up plan?
Do you ever actually intend on making it clear to your partner that you would like to end the relationship, because you haven't so far?

Why did you keep talking about trying harder for ages when this has been going on for so long?

It sounds like you've been stalling about ending the relationship and admitting it's over as much as he has and it's like you want to put the responsibility on him to end it.

I can see why you might think you want a reaction to show that you mean something to him...but even if a big conversation gets him hyped up enough to react it's not going to change who he is or how he deals with things afterwards so it's pretty meaningless.

He's trying to analyse me instead of realise that we have not got a relationship anymore.

You are doing the exact same thing!!!!!!!!

If I am correct, you wrote another thread a week ago detailing this situation. You called your emotional affair partner ‘Sean’ and you actually met him in September, not years ago. I recall your thread from that time when you were hoping to exchange numbers with him.

You and Sean have expressed love. You are emotionally cheating.

Last week you were advised to officially end your relationship with your Partner. You’ve now had another conversation with him but have again failed to definitively end it. Stop being nebulous with him. If you want out, then you need to tell him unequivocally that it’s over.

Maybe your partner doesn't want to have sex with you because you clearly have no respect for him. No one else is to blame for your affair, not your partner, or his sister, or his mum. I wonder about how you grew up, screaming and shouting doesn't equal love, you actually sound very immature. Your partner withdrew from you several years ago for a reason, but rather than think about that you're thinking about the man you are having an affair with, who realistically you don't really know, wait until you live together and day to day drudgery sets in and he won't be so exciting. You might find when you separate your partner blossoms and gets some self esteem back.

Tje hypocrite accusations rwally fuck me off. Mn is not one oerson, it ia fucking thousands with different opinions. If you find a particular poster being a hypocrite, call them out.

I for one would have a go at wither gender.

OP you need to spell ot out that you are leaving. This relationship is over and the peraon in your head is a diversion. Maybe a useful one to show up the state of your current relationship. Fear of change is real but ypu meed to sort ypur life out. It will go on. Let go of this misery

End the failed relationship properly. Separate properly. Then you are free to pursue others as you wish. Why are you still with fr?

I don't think this other man you're texting is an alternative to your partner though? Yes you're texting and he's giving you attention but is he wanting to move in with you and DC, pay half the rent and bills? .. that's why you are not leaving, you're using him as leverage to try and get a reaction out of your partner.

It sounds childish and odd tbh. Life isn't all roses and sunsets.

It doesn’t seem like you even want to save your marriage so you should make the decision and end it

I think she just wants her partner to pop out of existence so she can go on with "changing her life" without having to do any of the hard stuff, like selling up or moving out.

Firstly, stop looking at it as 'failed'. It wasn't a test, you've just grown apart.

Secondly, you either leave your husband or ask to be in an open marriage. He doesn't understand why you've told him.

I think you are unsure about your decision.
You want to leave the situation without appearing the bad guy, and you are setting up a safety net with your husband.

Stop messing your husband about, tell the truth and have the courage of your convictions, I'm sure your husband will be alright, he will find someone else, but you don't want that do you?

Your husband may not be able to see through you but others can and will.

Be honest and tell him.

You're cheating on him. Can you at least acknowledge that?

@SuperSange

You're cheating on him. Can you at least acknowledge that?

I know not the point of the thread - but that’s an interesting one isn’t it.

Is it cheating if her partner doesn’t think she’s done/is doing anything wrong?

It's gaslighting if she's downplaying her relationship with Sean to her ex who thinks that it's just chat.

She wouldn't accept the emotional affair label on her previous thread too. It's unclear why she won't get an estate agent round when moving house is allowed atm