On my own and struggling to process what's happened

[welliesarefuntowear]

So about two years ago I discovered that my partner of 27 years and father of my three children had been having a full blown relationship with someone else. The whole time he was with her he lived in our house , continued to have sex with me whilst he was fucking her, texted her whilst we were in bed together and when I uncovered and had proof of what he was doing blamed me as I never loved him.

I threw him out for a while. This was because I found bank cards where he had opened a joint account with her. He had wanted to start a business which wasn't viable. I'd costed the whole thing and researched endlessly to make him happy. But it wasn't going to work and there was too much to risk. And I would have ended up doing most of the work. He said that they were going to do it together. I couldn't believe how stupid he was being and just so arrogant.

He left for a while. And then he just came back. Said it was his house. In the meantime I realised he hadn't moved in to his mums. I went to see him there and he said we needed some time apart. I wanted to actually kill him then.

I found stuff online. Photos. Of them kissing. They had gone on holiday together. During that time he actually bought me a beautiful leather handbag and gave it me for my birthday.

He kept coming round the house. Realised grass wasn't greener on the other side. I didn't want him. I hated him. In the meantime he was still in contact with her.

I managed to find somewhere else to live. I had to leave as he wasn't going to go. This was May last year. And I've been there ever since. Of course he wants me back. And I'm struggling with this. I am so lonely. So defeated. And I want to start again and can't.

I've met a few guys online and slept with all of them. I decided at Christmas to try and be civil with him and have a nice Christmas with kids. I told him just before Christmas and lockdown that I'd been out with my daughter Christmas shopping and I'd seen this lamp that I liked. It was in an antique shop and I was just chatting about it. He bought me the lamp for Christmas.

It's obvious now that trying to engage with him results in me being manipulated and I'm so depressed that I put myself in this situation. I'm pretty sure now I'm becoming very depressed but have been on medication before which made me compliant, too reasonable and unable to defend myself. He said I argue about the slightest thing. He wants me back but doesn't want to argue with me. Now I write it down I can see the control he has always had over me.

Why are you constantly talking to him? When I walked out on DD dad, everything was done via meditation and solicitors. He made his bed, he needs to lie in it. You will be much much better off - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially- without this d*ck.

@bonfireheart I don't know. I tried mediation and he refused to engage with it. He will do anything to disenfranchise me. Because he left me because I was always arguing with him deep down I feel like this is all my fault.

In addition to this I lost my mum. So I'm struggling in every way.

Why would it be your fault? He’s the one with a double life and flitting between women.
He wants to come back? Really? His decision. Why are you letting him decide what happens in your life? Your decision should be to finally tell him to fuck off! Why complicate things? I’m sure it’s confusing for your dc him coming and going like a yo-yo.

Some people will treat you like crap for as long as you let them. It's been said many times on here and it is absolutely true.

Sometimes these people do things which are completely unforgivable. Things you would never dream of doing yourself. Things you cannot rationalise at all. They will justify themselves till the cows come home, and if you listen to them you will go crazy.

Just leave him to it. Send the lamp back. Focus on you and your children.

You CAN start again, but you won't find your self-worth by sleeping with other men atm. You are worth a brand-new life IN YOUR OWN RIGHT. When you realise that, you will find somebody new, but probably won't be for a while yet.

You are enough.

The last thing I want to do is confuse things for my kids but I was trying to ensure that I didn't stop them from seeing him. It's been extremely difficult to lay down routines and things during this time because I'm at work and now my youngest two are off school. I have three. DC 18. DS 16 in sixth form and DS 13. My Dd lives with me. She has a job and she is really together and I'm very proud of her. My DS struggled immensely with me leaving and didn't want to leave the family home. This is the home we bought together and bought my children up in. I want to sell it but I can't force him to sign an agreement. So i feel stuck

My boys stay with me three nights a week. Their choice. I feel he's stolen them from me. So if I need or want to see them it can end up being a trade off to seeing him too.

He's a fucker and has me over a barrel. Which is all mixed up with me still having some love for him , and not wanting to seem like I'm arguing and rocking the boat. He says this to me all the time. If I say anything it's always. I don't want to argue with you. It sounds so easy and so simple to get round. And I feel like I'm a smart person. But I can't handle it.

Hi op, sadly I really don't think your situation is that unique especially in long term marriages.
This kind of dispicable behaviour is quite common, he knows the unfairness of it for you and still he continues to make it your fault.

It is not your fault.

He is vile human being, self entitled, selfish, greedy and lacking in any type of empathy or concience.
Have you told him you have had sexual relations with other men?
I presume he is not your husband, I wish he were then you could get at least some fairness through finacial separation.

I think you know you will only start to feel better once the cord has been cut, your pride will only return when this happens.

It will be hard, and I wish you every success in ditching this piece of shit.
I am also sorry about your mom.

Know your worth, it sounds as though he depends on you to do the donkey work regarding the finacials, do not do anything more for him.
He is keeping you dangling on a string for a reason and I think the reason is because you still have a use for him in some capacity.
It's time for him to face the consequences, do you own your own house, are you on the mortgage?
Have you seen a solicitor.?

Don't be hard on youself, and don't blame youself.

@Onthedunes I told him the first time. I slept with someone else. That was a one night stand. There was another guy I met who I liked but was trouble. He was an alcoholic. I blocked him eventually. Then another one night stand. And then a guy who's nice But I'm not sure about a future with him.

I don't know what I'm looking for. The first time I went out to meet the first guy. I did it for a reason. To see how easy it was to make the decision to sleep with someone else. It was so easy. I'd never done it before. This really isn't me.

I really appreciate all your responses

Ok. Firstly you say you can’t force him to sign an agreement. You can. Have you seen a solicitor to get details of what your rights are? You have all of us to talk to. You need a solicitor and to stop engaging with him. Do everything through a solicitor. You don’t need any more contact with him. Pull the rug from under him. He’s treated you like absolute crap your whole relationship. Time to rise up. How old are you? Do you do any exercise? Find online yoga and meditation. Start to join groups. Make new friends. You can do this. Once he’s out of your life you will feel so much better. He’s toxic and is ruining you. See a solicitor and force a sale of the house as the first step. You have more power than you realise.

Also I haven't seen a solicitor yet. We are both on the mortgage which I pay out of my account and he gives me the money when he can. I'm terrified about the house being repossessed.

Stop dating. You aren’t strong enough. You don’t have to have a man to be a whole person. Who are YOU? What are your hobbies and interests outside of a man and sex? What’s your job? What are your boundaries. Resolve to get the house sold and a divorce, get physically fit and mentally. Find meditation and inner strength, then when you know who you are you will attract the right person. All this energy you are wasting on men should be channeled into your own recovery right now

I talked to one solicitor who said it was a civil matter and she couldn't help and that it would cost a lot of money. Basically she made me feel like there was nothing I could do. There's a lot of equity in the house. I'm 50.

Oh my god. You haven’t seen a solicitor?? How long has this been going on?? Stop spending time on dating sites and get yourself to a solicitor! You should have done that the first time you found out he’d slept with someone else! Most do a free half hour. Google your hometown and divorce and email half a dozen saying “my husband had an affair and I was forced to leave the family home. I need urgent legal advice. Could you please tell me if you offer a free half hour of legal advice so I can get my divorce started” then book the ones that reply. You can also look at the Rights for women website and ring their helpline. I’d also suggest you find a therapist who specialises in ptsd, trauma and anxiety. Having a professional to guide you through this will be helpful. Where is your money in your account coming from?

My job and some universal credit

See another solicitor. I think the sticking point will be the kids live there with him in that house so technically you should be shelling out money for mortgage or CM.

Still you can get something in place that states the house has to be sold at some point to protect your investment.

Im not clued up on it all by a long chalk, but you do need legal advice.

This man has blagged your head long enough. He doesn't care for you in a way you deserve.

A civil matter? That’s ridiculous. Are you in the UK? Everybody sees a solicitor when they are getting divorced! It’s not civil. Send the message I wrote to half a dozen and see what comes back. You need to say you want to either force a sale of the house or go back to the house with him gone. It’s time to get this sorted. You’re not unusual. Solicitors are dealing with this every day. You also say you’ve tried mediation but he refused to engage. PM me your hometown and I’ll find some solicitors for you. Resolve that 2021 is a year of action. You might as well. We’re in lockdown. Nobody is doing anything. You don’t want to be bogged down with this when this virus is over. You want to be free so you can join lots of fun groups and your local gym and start spreading your wings. You could volunteer. The world is your oyster but you need to get rid of the dead weight that is dragging you down

If you divorce then the house matter will need to be resolved. The courts will force him to do this. Get the ball rolling.

Wellies you can legally force him to sell the house. There's a name for the order. It won't be instant, but don't let him tell you you can't. Please get a SHL.

I've just had a look at rights for women. I've contacted two solicitors in my area in total. The first one and then the other didn't get back to me. I realise the behaviour I've been displaying is a diversion to stop me feeling so hurt. I'm just in shock now and I can't function very well. Can't concentrate.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants this is what I want to do. I just wanted to do it reasonably and not traumatise the children.

Sounds like the solicitor you saw was somewhat wimpy. There are better ones out there. I interviewed for mine. I knew that if she didn't 'get' me, it wasn't going to work. IME, solicitors who are women are more likely to get your situation.

I'm not married. This is why I don't know where to begin with legal proceedings.

I see, Wellies. There were more responses before mine posted. There will be a way though. Don't let him rinse you.

Maybe if you can post the general area you live in, someone will have a recomendation for a good solicitor?

I live in quite a small market town. There aren't that many solicitors around here. The one I approached was supposed to be a specialist in divorce and family matters but she dismissed me out of hand. I hoped I could settle fees on sale of house.