On my own and struggling to process what's happened

[welliesarefuntowear]

So about two years ago I discovered that my partner of 27 years and father of my three children had been having a full blown relationship with someone else. The whole time he was with her he lived in our house , continued to have sex with me whilst he was fucking her, texted her whilst we were in bed together and when I uncovered and had proof of what he was doing blamed me as I never loved him.

I threw him out for a while. This was because I found bank cards where he had opened a joint account with her. He had wanted to start a business which wasn't viable. I'd costed the whole thing and researched endlessly to make him happy. But it wasn't going to work and there was too much to risk. And I would have ended up doing most of the work. He said that they were going to do it together. I couldn't believe how stupid he was being and just so arrogant.

He left for a while. And then he just came back. Said it was his house. In the meantime I realised he hadn't moved in to his mums. I went to see him there and he said we needed some time apart. I wanted to actually kill him then.

I found stuff online. Photos. Of them kissing. They had gone on holiday together. During that time he actually bought me a beautiful leather handbag and gave it me for my birthday.

He kept coming round the house. Realised grass wasn't greener on the other side. I didn't want him. I hated him. In the meantime he was still in contact with her.

I managed to find somewhere else to live. I had to leave as he wasn't going to go. This was May last year. And I've been there ever since. Of course he wants me back. And I'm struggling with this. I am so lonely. So defeated. And I want to start again and can't.

I've met a few guys online and slept with all of them. I decided at Christmas to try and be civil with him and have a nice Christmas with kids. I told him just before Christmas and lockdown that I'd been out with my daughter Christmas shopping and I'd seen this lamp that I liked. It was in an antique shop and I was just chatting about it. He bought me the lamp for Christmas.

It's obvious now that trying to engage with him results in me being manipulated and I'm so depressed that I put myself in this situation. I'm pretty sure now I'm becoming very depressed but have been on medication before which made me compliant, too reasonable and unable to defend myself. He said I argue about the slightest thing. He wants me back but doesn't want to argue with me. Now I write it down I can see the control he has always had over me.

I have left a message with 'my' solicitor, giving the bones of the situation, to see if that's still her area, as she has now moved from where she was before. She specialises in family law, so I would have thought so, but no point me passing on the number if not. Hopefully will have a response soon. My XH was impossible to deal with. I just did it via solicitor in the end. Head games really won't help you at this time, and it sounds like your XP will play them if he can.

Ok, so message back is that if it was matrimonial she would deal, but not married, can't help. This is disappointing. I'm wondering if Shelter or the CAB could point you towards anyone? I'm reluctant to suggest someone I haven't actually had experience of.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants thanks so much. This is the problem I’m having and need to find someone who understands this specific situation. I know I’m pretty screwed with us not being married. Thanks to who suggested talking to mortgage company. I’ll try that first.

@QuentinWinters. Thanks Will look at this

The benefit of the virus is that everything is being done online now. You could potentially hire a solicitor anywhere if they do zoom? I’ll PM you the details of mine who are excellent and did a free half hour so you can google them and see what they offer. Shop around. Google “online relationship breakdown solicitor” see what comes up

So sorry this has happened to you.

Do you both own the house? Joint names?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-your-home-ownership-rights-during-separation/amp

www.stephensons.co.uk/site/individuals/srvfamily/unmarried-couples-cohabitation/

Thanks so much @Chiccie. It’s just been so helpful to talk about this here because I have felt utterly hamstrung.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time 💐

He sounds like a loser. He lied to you so deeply there's no going back. I mean, he went on holiday with her, tried to make a business with her, he really didn't think of you at all. He took advantage of you.

Please keep your head up high. You were together a long time and it's going to take more than a year of dating to find a good match, that's a given. Don't give up. Keep dating, maybe start a new hobby. Have you had counselling? Medication isn't the only form of therapy for depression.

I hope you find the strength to realise how great you are and how much you have going for yourself. Now is the time to concentrate on getting from life what YOU want. In the meantime, I would work on reducing contact with your ex and start divorce proceedings if you haven't already. He doesn't deserve your time and you're not gaining anything positive from the contact x

You've left your kids in the family home where you pay the mortgage???

This is your the bizarre and abusive arrangement. Your poor kids.

You must see a solicitor who shows you a way out of this regardless because nothing could be worse than this.

@shindiggery. As I’ve said previously I’ve tried to arrange this. I’ve tried mediation. I’m not married. I know nothing could be worse than this. I’m living it. I don’t know what my rights are.

And I haven’t left my kids. My daughter lives with me. My sons are with me part of the time which is a pretty standard arrangement. I tried to get support from the school family liaison officer. He spoke to the kids separately and said that they wanted to live at home and I should respect their wishes. It was extremely traumatic as I was trying to leave with them at the time. I called the police and they would have pressed charges but I was too scared to do anything.

OP , I feel for you. I'm 51 and 18 months ago I found out my partner was having an affair and I threw him out. I was devastated and found out accidentally.

I took him back for a few months but I found it impossible to forgive him and to be honest even though I still weirdly had some love for him I knew it had to end and he left at my request. We have an 11 year old child together.

Don't let him make you feel as if you've done anything wrong because you haven't. I got a character assassination from my ex. I knew none of it was true. It's what cheaters say to make themselves feel better.

Don't do any dating for now. Focus on finding yourself and your peace of mind. Only communicate with him about the kids. He will keep trying to get under your skin. The sheer nerve these cheaters have is beyond belief. He has no say in your life. Tell him that.

You can go to court and get an order where the court orders the home must be sold so get some advice on that.

You're grieving right now for your mum and someone you thought you had a future with. Maybe get some counselling to get you through the next couple of months to get your strength and sense of direction together. You will get stronger but it takes time.

Look after yourself. You are the only master of your life now. He's an ex fir a very good reason. Stop letting him take advantage if you at your weakest times- he's a manipulator- let him find someone else to manipulate.You're done with it.

Done with it!

Not RTFT bur wanted to explain: solicitors specialise is specific areas of law. There are three over-arching areas of law: civil, criminal and family and within those there are further subsections of law. I suspect the first solicitor you spoke to was a criminal law lawyer (as opposed to a civil law lawyer) and therefore she personally could not help you. She must have explained it very badly if you were left with the impression that you could not get legal advice for this. You absolutely can. You need a lawyer specialising in family and divorce law.

Although the one I contacted does family law, and doesn't want to do this because of not being married Dery, which seems to be the case of the first solicitor Wellies approached. Chiccies personal recomendation seems worth a shot.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

You can also speak to your local citizens advice.

You say you feel ham strung. I get that. Knowledge is power. Set up a file. Start speaking to experts. Start finding out your rights. That’s your power. How much contact time do you have with your sons?

@Dery the solicitor I spoke to was a family lawyer but she said the specific issue of the house was a civil matter and not one she could deal with. Which i understand but I don't know which type of solicitor to approach. I've emailed a couple of others who haven't responded. I'm also stuck financially to pay until the sale goes through. There's enough equity to pay a solicitor and I just want rid of the house. That way I don't have to contact him and I can move on.

I asked an estate agent to sell it. He understood what I was going through but he couldn't get him to agree.

@Chiccie I have them for three nights. They stay here and I spend time with them at the weekends but they don't stay over. I didn't want to disrupt them too much. Wanted to do this gently. It was their choice for the three nights and when I've suggested anything different they've not been keen.

@celticmissey Thanks for your post. It's so helpful to read this and I really appreciate you taking the time to explain what's happened to you.

shindiggery

Don't listen to that solicitor. This is not normal and the advice you've received is clearly awful. You need to go to someone else and be prepared to follow through with something.

Yeah, you'll need to get an Order of Sale or something like that through the courts if he won't see sense.