On my own and struggling to process what's happened

[welliesarefuntowear]

So about two years ago I discovered that my partner of 27 years and father of my three children had been having a full blown relationship with someone else. The whole time he was with her he lived in our house , continued to have sex with me whilst he was fucking her, texted her whilst we were in bed together and when I uncovered and had proof of what he was doing blamed me as I never loved him.

I threw him out for a while. This was because I found bank cards where he had opened a joint account with her. He had wanted to start a business which wasn't viable. I'd costed the whole thing and researched endlessly to make him happy. But it wasn't going to work and there was too much to risk. And I would have ended up doing most of the work. He said that they were going to do it together. I couldn't believe how stupid he was being and just so arrogant.

He left for a while. And then he just came back. Said it was his house. In the meantime I realised he hadn't moved in to his mums. I went to see him there and he said we needed some time apart. I wanted to actually kill him then.

I found stuff online. Photos. Of them kissing. They had gone on holiday together. During that time he actually bought me a beautiful leather handbag and gave it me for my birthday.

He kept coming round the house. Realised grass wasn't greener on the other side. I didn't want him. I hated him. In the meantime he was still in contact with her.

I managed to find somewhere else to live. I had to leave as he wasn't going to go. This was May last year. And I've been there ever since. Of course he wants me back. And I'm struggling with this. I am so lonely. So defeated. And I want to start again and can't.

I've met a few guys online and slept with all of them. I decided at Christmas to try and be civil with him and have a nice Christmas with kids. I told him just before Christmas and lockdown that I'd been out with my daughter Christmas shopping and I'd seen this lamp that I liked. It was in an antique shop and I was just chatting about it. He bought me the lamp for Christmas.

It's obvious now that trying to engage with him results in me being manipulated and I'm so depressed that I put myself in this situation. I'm pretty sure now I'm becoming very depressed but have been on medication before which made me compliant, too reasonable and unable to defend myself. He said I argue about the slightest thing. He wants me back but doesn't want to argue with me. Now I write it down I can see the control he has always had over me.

Live in Staffordshire/Derbyshire area.

I think it just makes me genuinely very sad when I see and have known women absolutely ground down by some really horribly men, and they roll over to a crap financial settlement to keep the peace, and to get it over with. Women often don't like to talk about money, but this is your financial security here. Please don't give it away unless it's an absolute last resort

Ok, I'm in Staffordshire. I'll see if my SHL is still doing this kind of thing.

@welliesarefuntowear

My job and some universal credit

I always get irritated when I hear about the Gov/tax payers bailing people out like this when they they do nothing to sort themselves out yet have property . I know someone who sat and got rent paid for over two years then emerged from divorce with over 200k equity . Get yourself to a solicitor and get things started . Let him be paying his dues .Of course he can be forced to sell the house. Have some self respect and move on with your life in a positive way . Don't worry about sex - there are plenty guys out there

I've got to go and zoom Wellies. Have found her on Google. Will check when I come back, and pm you, if that's ok.

Lady, book in to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling ASAP. This is YOUR life and only YOU are in control it. Start working out what your boundaries are, stick to them and start focusing on creating a new and amazing life for you and your children. You all deserve it! And STOP even considering dating or men! Until you are truly happy and in love with your life, you’re not ready for another man to come into it.

I understand you sound completely worn down by the ammount of abuse you have been served. He is exhausting you to the point you are polaxed with indecision.

I really think your self esteem will slowly return if you take your power back, and I also think you have more power than you realise.

Are you afraid of him? his reponses when you force any financial decisions on him?
Speaking to womens Aid to ask them about separating could help you to protect youself if he becomes difficult.
Of course you can't function well, he has done this purposely to keep the status quo.
One step at a time, the mumsnet community will help you if you need someone to hold your hand through each step.

You actually sound as though you are abused but are with a man who will not even allow you the title of that.
He is a complete bastard, don't let him convince you otherwise.

You are in the right. Full stop !

I agree with @Mundaym678

Stop dating, let yourself grieve, sort out the legals.

You need to get through the loneliness issues by actually letting yourself feel it. Don't plug it with men who don't deserve you.

Two biggest gifts you can give yourself is being comfortable on your own (so you don't compromise on relationship choices) and financial independence.

Sounds like a really tough year but you can get through this.

"I always get irritated when I hear about the Gov/tax payers bailing people out like this when they they do nothing to sort themselves out yet have property"

The alternative is me living in an abusive relationship and becoming suicidal.

"You actually sound as though you are abused but are with a man who will not even allow you the title of that."

This He is so quiet. So reasonable. He actually ran away from me once when I was hysterical about what he had done. And then threw that back in my face.

Thank you @SpongeBobJudgeyPants Really appreciate it and all your responses.

He sounds like a covert narcisist, he is manipulating.

He has been gaslighting you for years by the sounds of it, and you are made out to be the crazy one.

You are not.

@welliesarefuntowear

"I always get irritated when I hear about the Gov/tax payers bailing people out like this when they they do nothing to sort themselves out yet have property"

The alternative is me living in an abusive relationship and becoming suicidal.

No it is not . It is you getting to a solicitor and getting what you are entitled to in the lead up to your divorce . I am sorry that you are in this situation .

@MrsWindass which is why I'm asking for help here. Not your opinion.

And as I've said many times on this thread. I'm not married. I can't divorce him. He has a right to stay in the house. And I've tried contacting solicitors who've norm helped me.

*not

@welliesarefuntowear

And as I've said many times on this thread. I'm not married. I can't divorce him. He has a right to stay in the house. And I've tried contacting solicitors who've norm helped me.

Oh dear ..very sorry I missed that .

@Onthedunes He's so good at making me feel bad. I think the crux of it has been this weekend. He sulked about me being in our family house with the boys when it's sometimes in this current situation the only way I can see them. I realised then I've got to stop this. I know I've been weak at facing up to this. I left my home with nothing. My friends got me all my furniture. My colleagues were amazing. I have been immensely supported by the people around me.

[quote welliesarefuntowear]@MrsWindass which is why I'm asking for help here. Not your opinion. [/quote]
You need then to go No Contact .

@MrsWindass just for clarity I also set up a mediation appointment which he refused to engage with.

Firstly it's not your fault!

But I would say there's more than one way to life, I was similar to you in thinking I wouldn't find someone else, I pondered that sharing him might be an option, but I didn't go through with that - I now am in a long term relationship and very happy. But what is right for you may be different. Don't worry about what other people would do - what do you want? I found paid for dating sites better, and it wasn't a pandemic when I was dating - cut yourself some slack. You will be fine, you need to stay strong

You have been left with very little, having to move from your home, the disruption to you regarding your children, it wouldn't surprise me if he had been using the children to make you feel worse.

Has he painted you as the crazy one to the children.?

You sound reluctant to cut the cord completely as though you still are undecided as to forgive him.
But you can't forgive him can you?

Get the ball rolling with selling the house, whether or not in the future you change your mind about him is irrelavant.
This indecision is only hurting you, and he is still holding all the cards.

Show him you mean buisness.

Right. You are BOTH liable for the mortgage if its in joint names. That doesn't mean you both pay half- it means both of you are responsible for it being paid, its as much exPs problem as yours.
You can speak with your mortgage company. They have specialist teams for this. Tell them you don't live there any more and you don't want to be on the mortgage. They will help with options.
Tell DP you aren't paying the mortgage as you don't live there (or tell him you will only pay half).
You need to make him realise selling is the best option.

Also. Wrote down your lines in advance then broken record him
"I understand you can't pay the mortgage alone. That's why we need to sell the house"
"I understand you have nowhere to go. That's why we need to sell the house"

Strongly suggest you read "a woman in your own right". Its brilliant for recognising argumentative/manipulative tactics and how to respond to them

www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness-techniques.html