My DM doesn't think I should have another baby and it's not just my age. It bloody hurts!

[AfterEightAnyTime]

Hi,

Bit of background - my DW and I have been considering extending our family for a few years now. We have been considering both donor IUI/IVF and adoption. I'm 36 and have a dc from a previous relationship.

Whenever I have mentioned this to my mum, it's always met with a look of concern, almost anger and comments such as - "I think you're mad!", "Do you realise your age puts you at high risk of abnormalities?" "Why don't you just enjoy the early freedom and be thankful for what you have?" And the one that hurts the most, when discussing IUI/IVF - "I think it's wrong that your baby won't have a dad". And when discussing adoption - "It could be a disaster and ruin your lives!"

She has NEVER asked how things are progressing, asked if we have decided to go down a particular route or even asked if we have changed our minds.

It's been months since I've brought it up, because I can't stand the absolute stone cold, joyless response. We are now in a position where we really do want to move forward with IUI/IVF, but it honestly breaks my heart that my mum won't be happy for us. Won't be excited to be a grandma again.

My first dc was a surprise and I was very young, so whereas she loves my dc to pieces, the pregnancy was not met with any happiness initially. I understood that. I was young, as I say and not in a particularly happy relationship, but things are completely different now. I'm happily married, financially secure, happier, more confident, but again, I won't get that jump up and down -"Oh wow! That's amazing, congratulations!" reaction, that I so desperately want...and deserve I think.

Yes, I would prefer to be a few years younger and yes, I wish that dw and I could have a baby together without any intervention, but this is our decision and I desperately want the support of my mum.

That's not wrong is it? I probably do let it bother me far too much. We are close, so her opinion does matter to me, but she can be unintentionally very cutting and sometimes, just completely thoughtless and insensitive.

Any advice would be appreciated.

TIA

I had my son at 35 via IVF, using donor sperm, he has 2 mums. There is nothing wrong, he is happy and loved and when we went through the clinic process they talked to us about how to explain to children about the lack of father (for want of a better phrase).

Thankfully most of the people around us were supportive, they did ask questions but were well intentioned most of time.

If it something you want don’t let the views of others put you off, it’s your family and your joy to have 😊

@Yodasdog

My mum was a single mother. It’s like having the best but with two! Same with two dads. You’ve got 2 loving parents. So who cares

My single mother kicked ass! She was and is phenomenal!

36 is not old! I'm 38 and pregnant with my second. Wouldn't embryos be screened too?

Is the issue more that your mum is not on board with you having a child in a same sex relationship? All that matters is that baby will be loved!

This must be really tough - we always want and value our mums encouragement, especially on big decisions like having babies.

My first thought on reading this is your mum is (unconsciously probably) feeling scared for you. After all, as soon as you were born she would of been worrying about you (similar to how you no doubt feel about your child). This worrying doesn't stop when you grow up. Her comments are coming from a place of concern - she will be worried about how being an 'older' mum may impact on you health wise as well as what additional risks there are (I definitely don't think that you are old btw!) Her comments will come from her experience of the things you mention (IVF / adoption) I doubt she is very knowledgeable about these things and her opinions will be formed by only what she knows.

Only recently did I realize that I didn't need permission from my mum to make life choices however I do take care in explaining to my mum the reasons behind the choices I make. I also don't expect her to be onboard with everything and respect that her opinions are hers.

Have you directly said to her that you want and need her support in this and are keen to work together to overcome any fears that she has? To be so direct may bring to the surface what worries she has.

Best of luck with your journey to becoming a parent again too.

Well, it's a good thing it's non of her business, although you seem to make it like that.
If you don't want her opinion, don't speak about personal stuff.
Good luck, whatever you decide

Don't let your Mum influence you. It has fuck all to do with her and you will bitterly regret it if you don't have another baby because she told you not to.

Stop talking about it with your Mum, she has nothing to do with this.

@Yodasdog, I know what you're saying. I think it's just my mums support I need more than anyones.

@sylbunny, congratulations on your second pregnancy I'm not 100% sure how the screening process goes tbh. We initially thought we would give IUI a go, given my fertility checks were good, but we are now wondering, given the success rates, if we should jump straight to IVF. My mum (and dad) definitely struggled in the beginning with me being in a same sex relationship, but she adores my dw now. She is a step mum to my dc for 8 years, so she has certainly had enough time to accept same sex parenting, although I understand it's not exactly the same. I can live with the fact that she believes a child should have a mum and dad, but it's literally a useless opinion to share.

@Tiger2018, thank you. I think I do feel a bit like that - like I need her permission in a weird sort of way. I don't like admitting that, but it's probably the case.

I just need her to be there for me. This will likely be a long, difficult and emotional journey.

@Devlesko and @MrsBobDylan, I know it's not anyones decision but ours, but that doesn't stop me longing for support or even a tad bit of excitement.

I haven't spoken to her about it since summer, when she completely shut me down with the usual negative comments and then didn't even ask how appointments went.

I know my love, and didn't mean to be flippant.
It's just at least you know now.

Slightly different scenario, but I opted for a child, as a lone woman using donor sperm, in my late 30s, though had no other children.
I was honest with family. The situation wasn't ideal in the sense that it wasn't the usual way, but it solved the obvious issue of no partner and tbh from everything I see, far less complicated and at this point has proven to be far more stable for my child.
They of course had reservations. We discussed. They also knew it was last chance saloon for me. And once they knew I was proceeding, they were supportive only. Yes some members were less hoorah than others. But all supportive and by the time my lo arrived, their beginnings were a distant memory.
This was the best decision I made.
Hope that helps.

Sorry to say this but it seems as though she has not fully accepted your same sex marriage.

Crack on and have another baby, you cannot be restricted by someone outside your marriage.

Fwiw, I get why you want her "on board". Yes I too would have proceeded regardless, but family is very important. Even more so in these situations, where things are perhaps slightly more complex.

This is about her and the bigotry that she can't quite get past.

Get less close, and have your baby, would be my advice. Don't wait, and don't let her influence you. She's really not being your friend here.

@Devlesko, didn't think you were flippant.

I'm probably trying to protect myself from more hurt, by trying to find a way to accept it iyswim, as I will obviously have to tell her at some point.

Just can't stand the thought of telling her and seeing worry and disappointment in her face, rather than joy and excitement. That will really really hurt.

@MotherExtraordinaire, that was lovely to read. So glad you got your baby

@ekidmxcl and @YoniAndGuy, I think there will always be some underlying bigotry there tbh, which I really struggled with in the beginning, but as several people reminded me, they have come a long way and I can't change that part of them completely.

Honestly, your mother sounds homophobic to me, like she doesn’t think you and your DW should raise a child because “there’s no dad”

It has to hurt you a lot. But you know she is wrong and I would not let it stop you.

I agree that it feels like your mum isnt 100% comfortable with your marriage. You do not need her permission to take these steps as a couple. Plenty of research demonstrates that children do not need a father (thank goodness, given lots of them are useless).

Its also important to clarify that older eggs make genetic atypicalities slightly more likely, but that doesnt make them likely overall. If something is 0.1% at 24 years old and 0.3% at 35 years- that's 3 x more likely but still not likely overall. Obv I made these numbers up but the point is definitely true

I am sorry she’s not being supportive but please reconsider how you are framing this: your language is all ‘I need her support’. No, you don’t. You are a grown up woman with a wife and a child: you need their support. You might like your mother’s support but you don’t need to have it. Your language is all negative about the difficult road ahead - try thinking of it as an exciting wonderful thing and you might feel that need for support a little less. If you can’t feel positive about it, and can’t do it without your mothers support, I would honestly suggest that’s a sign that you don’t actually want to do it. Think carefully about why you feel these things and why your language is all so negative and needy.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo, I don't really need it. I just want it and I don't think that's a big ask. Doesn't mean I'm going to get it, I know that.

Me and DP had a baby when I was 37. We decided to get pregnant pretty soon after since age wasnt on our side and my DM reacted the same as yours. Totally screwed her face up at the suggestion and was completely unsupportive citing all these reasons.
So when I fell pregnant I was terrified telling her but she jumped up all excited and ran at me giving me a huge hug. Turned out she really was just worried about potential risks (i had pre-eclampsia with DD). She was so relieved when DD2 arrived and adores them both.
If she is a great DGM to your DC then it possibly is just worry but not put across very well. If she's not that great a DGM then maybe she's dreading the future babysitting requests

Not trying to be goady but with your first dc did you use her much for childcare or have lots of help from her?

@BuffyTheBuffetSlayer, that's really lovely. I would be over the moon if my mum did that.

@formerbabe, no, just a normal amount. We're not in the same county, so she wouldn't be worrying about that.

Well, of course a child never knowing one of their own biological parents who makes up half of who they are, and knowing that the other parent deliberately chose to remove the opportunity for them to have a loving dad, is going to affect the child.
It won't be a problem for you because have your partner but I think she's simply looking at it from the child's perspective.

I’m so sorry. You absolutely do deserve love and excitement and support.

I haven’t got any particularly wise words but I will say that if your mum is a normal loving person she will be absolutely thrilled if you do become pregnant. Little babies have a way of bulldozing reservations. Perhaps she feels a responsibility to express her reservations but once you make the decision she will be there.

I was 37 when I had my DD. When I told my Mum all she said was, ‘your life’s going to be very different from now on’. No congratulations, nothing. I was so hurt; I just wanted her support. Now DH is here she’s absolutely obsessed with her. I’ve accepted it now but I do wish I could have had the excitement and shared experience that others had with their Mums when they were pregnant.