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Original poster

Ok, what should I do next? If anything...

56 replies

NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:34

Close male friend who I'm in a social bubble with - every one else has bubbles with family members and we're both in a similar position family wise.

We've spent a lot of time together over this lockdown. We did the last one but, as it was summer, it was easier to meet up with others in the park too but this time, we are only seeing each other. So I know what I'm about to say next could be circumstantial.

Over the past 5 or 6 weeks, we've become closer. It's felt really natural. Just more physical and emotional closeness, a bit of flirting but not 'sexual' flirting.

I've been staying overnight at his in the spare room. We go up to bed at night hug and kiss goodnight on the landing and go our separate ways.

Last weekend it all looked the same as normal. We had dinner, chatted and laughed as usual and sat on the sofa watching a film. As often happens, he put his hand on my knee when we watched the film and talked afterwards. I was sitting with my feet up on the sofa and he was sitting on them to keep them warm.

Went up to bed as normal. Hugged and kissed as normal but neither of us released the hug. He kissed me again. I didn't sleep in the spare room.

The following day was fine. Nothing was said. He asked if I were ok a few times and I was. We had a lovely day again, no awkwardness. A lot closer though. He turned to me and randomly kissed me during the day. We built a snowman. He asked me to stay another night due to the snow - said he wasnt comfortable with me driving home. And I wfh from his house on Monday.

It was 'different' in a positive way. Lots of 'together' moments but no further sex or suggestion of it (I went to bed an hour before him because I had work) but a lot closer emotionally, affection, flirty teasing, looks etc...

Now. I've had fwbs before. I have no issue with one off sex with a friend but i wouldn't want fwb with him.

I'm not really sure what to do now!

I'm not worried about it. I just don't want the friendship to be harmed by it. I have developed feelings for him but I've kept them under wraps and I'm very good at comparmentalising!

I've considered saying something next time i see him and I've considered just not saying anything and waiting to see if he said or does anything.

What do you think i should do?

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:35

God that was long! Sorry and thanks if you managed to last until the end!

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/01/2021 10:37

Go up to bed and then get into his Grin

AramintaLee · 27/01/2021 10:41

The only way to stop any ambiguity is to just be open and talk to him about it. Tell him you like him and go from there. Presumably he also likes you going by what's happened!

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:42

Ha well on the seocnd night, i realied i wasn't sure which bed I should be getting in.

So I messaged him from the spare room, told him that's where I was and he could join me if he wanted to and if not, he was making his own breakfast the following day Wink

He came upstairs laughing to tell me i was daft and could sleep wherever I wanted to.

So i went into his bed. But I was already asleep when he came up. I didnt wake up properly but I was aware of him putting his hand on my leg and my waist when he was in bed.

He didnt try to wake me. I was up before him in the morning.

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 27/01/2021 10:43

What do you want to do? Did you have feelings for him before you were a bubble? Is he the kind of person you usually go for?

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:44

AramintaLee

I know that would be the grown up thing to do 🙄

I just don't know whether it's because he actually likes me or because of the solitude of lockdown though.

OP posts:
BeautifulStar · 27/01/2021 10:45

Just shag ‘im OP!

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:46

LadyCatStark

I've fancied him for ages, if I'm honest. But always assumed I wasn't his type. There wasn't any flirting before (that I picked up on) and the friendship was/is good. I don't want to ruin that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:50

BeautifulStar

Well i did that on the first night Grin

But it was a bit awkward and not great because it was very late, we were both really tired when we went up. We'd had a few glasses of wine and I always find sex after alcohol isnt a great idea for me. Dulls the senses too much!

But it didn't seem to affect how we were together the following day.

And we exchanged a few messages on Monday when I got home and again yesterday. All fine.

OP posts:
LadyCatStark · 27/01/2021 10:51

Well then go for it and make sure you update so we can all live vicariously though you 😂

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:53

Grin I'm not going to see him for a fortnight because i have loads on this coming weekend 😭

OP posts:
BeautifulStar · 27/01/2021 10:54

Ah, I missed that! So I think your worry is that he doesn’t necessarily fancy you but wants you as a friend with benefits? Hmmm....only he can answer that - you’ll have to be upfront with him. I would find it weird to shag once and then have no further interest from a man. Or maybe he doesn’t have much of a sex drive?

Gilda152 · 27/01/2021 10:55

You've already ruined your friendship if it's going to be ruined so just carry on?

HollowTalk · 27/01/2021 10:57

I have a horrible feeling he just wants a FWB situation here, OP. He hasn't referred to sleeping with you at all - that's not a good sign.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:57

I think I'm just wary of getting into something that is just 'convenient' because we're both single and its lockdown.

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/01/2021 10:59

Just give it a proper go. Stop all the sleeping in the spare room malarkey. And you sound like a real oap talking about late nights! The whole fun of it is to shag all through the night and spend hours talking then go into work looking like you've shagged all night! Grin

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:02

You've already ruined your friendship if it's going to be ruined so just carry on?

That's true!

I have a horrible feeling he just wants a FWB situation here, OP. He hasn't referred to sleeping with you at all - that's not a good sign.

Well no, that's what I'm wondering. And there nothing wrong with that. I've done it before. I just wouldn't want that now or with him. But a one off is fine.

And, tbh, it wouldnt be a problem if it was left at just that one off. As I said, things were absolutely fine afterwards. I think it was the fact he randomly kissed me out of nowhere in the middle of the day that caught me more unawares than the sex that happened after a candlelit night of wine and chatting!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:03

And you sound like a real oap talking about late nights!

Maybe, but it was 4am by the time we went to bed!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:03

I think he'd perhaps just thought "It's now or never. Fuck it!"

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 27/01/2021 11:06

I think there is a danger here where you dont know how he feels and you carry on sleeping with him, getting more attached, and then lockdown ends and you discover it was only convenience for him.

So maybe get it clear what's going on from his perspective before you see each other again... hey, the other night was really nice and obviously I've started thinking about you differently since then. I think its important for our friendship that we are both clear about what's going on, was it a one off, nice for lockdown but back to normal after, or are we seeing where it goes? Something like that anyway. Communication is the only way to mitigate any potential hurt from mismatched expectations.

Horehound · 27/01/2021 11:11

Oh 4am is late!! Lol

Well, I dont know tbh. You wouldn't ask someone what they think is going to happen after one or two dates. It's tricky because you've already been staying there. I think I'd just go with it as long as you enjoy it and then if you want to progress it, at that point you talk.

MMmomDD · 27/01/2021 11:19

To me it seems that you are overthinking.
Plenty of relationships started because people were thrown in circumstantial proximity, or were on a rebound.
They may have worked or not.
And if some people met at different circumstances they might not have gotten together.
It doesn’t matter really. What matters is the outcome.

Yours is still unwritten. It may turn out to something or nothing. Give it a go and see.
Just don’t overthink or put too much pressure on certainty and definitions from the very beginning.

There isn’t a friendship that you may be destroying. If you are totally honest with yourself - it wasn’t ever a friendship. You like him and always wanted more. Just settled for friendship as this was all (you thought) that was possible.
And maybe he didn’t think about a relationship before. But now it seems that the closeness you have shared built to something else.
Let it develop and see.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:23

Yeah it's a weird one. Well for me anyway!

I think I'd rather talk to him about it face to face than over the phone.

I was thinking something along the lines of telling him I wasn't really expecting it.

If it had been 2 hours and a couple of glasses of wine earlier (I wasn't drunk or even tipsy but the alcohol had affected me) it would have been different. I feel a bit awkward because it wasn't great sex - on either side really. But it didnt affect how we were the following day.

I wouldn't do it again without having the conversation. I'm not an idiot. I know that sex doesn't actually mean anything. Tbh, it was the other stuff the following day that was more 'meaningful'.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:30

There is another aspect that I haven't said so far.

I'm always single. Always. I'm known for it 🙄 the previous time we'd seen each other, we'd had a bit of a heart to heart and I'd told him a couple of the reasons why - a couple of very bad experiences with men in the past. I concluded the conversation by telling him I'd love to be in a good relationship but always found I was happier single.

I've got a lot of insight into my shit and am happy to own the bits of it that are mine.

There have been a few evenings recently where it would have made sense for something to happen. I could have understood it. But after telling him all that? I didnt expect it at all.

My friend says that maybe he realised that he'd have to take the bull by the horns and that, after the build up of the past few weeks, it might have felt like now or never.

The cynic in me says that men take advantage of women.

But there have definitely been signs of romance and I know he cares about me. Plus, he's fundamentally a decent person. He treats everybody well and behaves with integrity.

I don't want to think badly of him whatever the outcome is!

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/01/2021 11:36

You seem very untrusting and wary op and I can see you have reasons for that. But unless you let your guard down a little then you will still always be single won't you? And surely it's better try try with a friend who you get on with and fancy and looks like they fancy you too. It sounds good. You wouldn't be friends with him if you thought he was a creep or take advantage of women would you? Maybe he was showing you how different he would be compared to the men of your past?