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Original poster

Ok, what should I do next? If anything...

56 replies

NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 10:34

Close male friend who I'm in a social bubble with - every one else has bubbles with family members and we're both in a similar position family wise.

We've spent a lot of time together over this lockdown. We did the last one but, as it was summer, it was easier to meet up with others in the park too but this time, we are only seeing each other. So I know what I'm about to say next could be circumstantial.

Over the past 5 or 6 weeks, we've become closer. It's felt really natural. Just more physical and emotional closeness, a bit of flirting but not 'sexual' flirting.

I've been staying overnight at his in the spare room. We go up to bed at night hug and kiss goodnight on the landing and go our separate ways.

Last weekend it all looked the same as normal. We had dinner, chatted and laughed as usual and sat on the sofa watching a film. As often happens, he put his hand on my knee when we watched the film and talked afterwards. I was sitting with my feet up on the sofa and he was sitting on them to keep them warm.

Went up to bed as normal. Hugged and kissed as normal but neither of us released the hug. He kissed me again. I didn't sleep in the spare room.

The following day was fine. Nothing was said. He asked if I were ok a few times and I was. We had a lovely day again, no awkwardness. A lot closer though. He turned to me and randomly kissed me during the day. We built a snowman. He asked me to stay another night due to the snow - said he wasnt comfortable with me driving home. And I wfh from his house on Monday.

It was 'different' in a positive way. Lots of 'together' moments but no further sex or suggestion of it (I went to bed an hour before him because I had work) but a lot closer emotionally, affection, flirty teasing, looks etc...

Now. I've had fwbs before. I have no issue with one off sex with a friend but i wouldn't want fwb with him.

I'm not really sure what to do now!

I'm not worried about it. I just don't want the friendship to be harmed by it. I have developed feelings for him but I've kept them under wraps and I'm very good at comparmentalising!

I've considered saying something next time i see him and I've considered just not saying anything and waiting to see if he said or does anything.

What do you think i should do?

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:43

You wouldn't be friends with him if you thought he was a creep or take advantage of women would you?

No, I wouldn't.

It would feel a bit 'too good to be true' though, if I'm honest.

Ending up in a good relationship with a good friend which had just developed into more out of nowhere..? That's the stuff of romcoms and other people's lives. Not mine! Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:46

Maybe he was showing you how different he would be compared to the men of your past?

That's what one of my friends said. But she's an incurable romantic!

She said that would also explain the random kiss and loveliness the following day but without him suggesting sex.

I suspect he wouldn't have turned me down if I'd instigated it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Perhaps it is down to me to make the next move. Whatever that is.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 27/01/2021 11:46

Go with the flow...

Be in the present and stop thinking too much ahead.
What will be will be.

Horehound · 27/01/2021 11:52

I suspect he wouldn't have turned me down if I'd instigated it yes but that's a good thing! He fancies you but will wait...

Honestly don't cut your nose of to spite your face....
Seems like your friends think he's a good one too.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:56

Thanks.

I'm not going to sleep with him again without talking about it first.

And I would like to have sex with him again in the right circumstances!

I am just very wary. But then he knows that too.

I think I'll bring it up next time I see him. Say that there were many times over the previous weeks when I could have seen it happening but that it was completely unexpected that night. And ask him what he was hoping would come of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 11:58

If he's after something casual or just fancies adding benefits to the friendship, then I'm not up for that. If he wants to give a relationship a go, then I would be.

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/01/2021 12:09

Yeh. Ok well good luck, I hope it works out for you :)

gannett · 27/01/2021 12:17

He might be thinking all the things you're thinking OP - that you just want a FWB situation, or only shagged him because of lockdown etc etc!

You know what page you'd like to be on which is good - no way of finding out if he's on the same page without talking to him.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 12:28

gannett

Yep. You're right. You all are.

I think I've jsit read so many threads on here that suggest that men arent backwards in coming forward if they like someone. But he's given me something and I've given him a lot to suggest i wouldn't be interested in a relationship with him or anyone else.

I've just been thinking about it from the perspective that maybe he will take advantage of that but I could be taking advantage of it just as easily.

And, like I said earlier, it was the random, unexpected kiss the following day that threw me the most.

We'd just been messing about and he was teasing me about something (all good natured and light hearted and deserved!). We were both laughing. I feigned indignance and he leant over and kissed me.

To me that's the sort of thing you do with someone you're seeing not a fwb.

OP posts:
StarFriend · 27/01/2021 12:44

Close friend
Increased physical and emotional closeness but no sexual type flirting
Built a snowman together
Randomly kissed you in the day

Sounds like he wants a relationship too. Best of luck OP.

For what it's worth I've been married to my best friend for ten years. Were good friends for five ish years before that - and the listed points above were similar, in general, to how things started with us (obviously excluding bubbles, pandemics!)

prawncocktailpringles · 27/01/2021 12:56

I am you. Shit at relationships, better at being single. I would love this to happen to me so I am shamelessly placemarking so I can live vicariously through you.

Recommend listening to the Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown on Audible. Maybe, far from putting him off, your sharing of your vulnerability with someone you trust has created intimacy? I am crossing everything for you.

Fudgsicles · 27/01/2021 13:13

Sounds to me like he likes you too but he's unsure of how you feel.

Don't be fooled by the 'if a man likes you he will go for it'. I've known plenty that don't do that, including DP. In fact apart from 1 ex, he's never gone after anyone as he has zero idea if they like him and thinks they're being friendly (including me). I had to really spell it out to him in the beginning.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 13:29

Maybe, far from putting him off, your sharing of your vulnerability with someone you trust has created intimacy?

I think it did. I was also surprised by how well he read me tbh!

But I did come away thinking, "Well, I've blown any chances of anything happening there!" Which, on some level, was intentional. But not because I wasnt interested. I was self sabotaging 🙄

Sounds to me like he likes you too but he's unsure of how you feel.

I can see that. I've probably been sending mixed messages unintentionally over the past few weeks. The flirtiness etc has been mutual but I'm so very single (and told him I was happier that way 🙄)

He put himself out there by kissing me and instigating and then kissing me again the following day. He sat very close to me, lots of physical contact and he isn't really a physical contact person!

I think I need to make the next move.

OP posts:
Autumnsun1985 · 27/01/2021 13:30

GO FOR IT!
Don’t look back. Don’t overanalyse. Don’t sell yourself short. It almost sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you don’t deserve this to happen to you! Believe you are deserving of happiness and go enjoy yourself!
Personally I wouldn’t go in and start asking him lots of questions about where it’s going etc. Each to their own of course, but you may have more fun if you just see how things develop. Your friendship as you knew it has gone. Oh and first sex is often crap isn’t it?! You have to get to know each other.
Good luck!

prawncocktailpringles · 27/01/2021 14:07

Oh self-sabotaging and getting all your vulnerabilities out there to protect yourself from being discovered...I am you! I am so invested in this working for you! To me it does sound like he really likes you and wants more. I would also be thinking "this doesn't happen to me". But it is happening isn't it? He is seeing you at close quarters, warts and all, and he likes what he sees. Brilliant.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 14:49

Thanks for the reassuring words!

No, I'm not going to get all heavily with where is this going questions.
.
I do kind of want to bring it up though. I don't want to just leave it with nothing said. I dont want to presume or assume anything. I'm not sure if he'd make another move or whether he'd wait for me to do it!
I dont want to have sex with him again without talking about it though. I dont want to find myself in a situation where I'm having sex with someone but not knowing what it is.

I'm happy to stay friends, I'd love to see where it goes. I don't want a fwb situation with him. I have no problem with them it's just not what I'd want with him. I think I'd get hurt by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 14:53

But it is happening isn't it? He is seeing you at close quarters, warts and all, and he likes what he sees. Brilliant.

It certainly does appear that way... I'm just so cautious.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 27/01/2021 15:07

I would message him with how you feel and the it's clear to him (and you).

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 15:10

I agree that would be easier. He's not big on messaging though. He prefers to talk face to face. And I think I'd prefer to discuss this face to face too.

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 27/01/2021 17:09

I think you're right to be wary OP, because whether we like to admit it or not men do frequently take advantage of women. I don't know this guy so can't comment on his character but do you feel like he was taking advantage? It's good to read that you know what you want (and don't want) and are firm in your boundaries, if you stick to them then I'm sure all will be fine.

Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 17:24

No, I don't feel like he was taking advantage in a cruel and unfeeling way.

We have definitely become closer and this is the first time anything like this has happened. We have become closer than we've ever been.

But these are strange times and I think it is possible that the circumstances of lockdown have made him feel or want something he might not have done otherwise.

After all, who doesnt want a bit of companionship and affection during these times?

Plus, I'd told him I'm rubbish at relationships and am happier when single.

I've had fwbs before so I'm fine with them. I just wouldn't want that with him.

I think, given thebwaybthings were afterwards, I wouldn't have any concerns we'd ruined the friendship at this stage if we both said we wanted different things but i think it would be ruined if we had a fwb where I wanted either less or more but that was all it was to him.

I wouldnt be upset or offended if he said it was a one off or he wanted fwb but it's not what I want.
I

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 17:25

As I said before, it was the random kiss the following day that threw me more than the sex!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSnowLeftToday · 27/01/2021 18:07

Argh, I've started worrying about it now which is exactly what I didn't want Sad

OP posts:
pinkandblueflowers · 27/01/2021 18:16

I think he likes u. He is being respectful which is nice so not just after sex.' Message him something casual to try and find out otherwise it'll be a long 2 weeks

Mandalayblonde · 27/01/2021 18:22

OP, I don't think you should worry at all, I think it's lovely and you should enjoy it. He's a good man and a good friend at a tough time. We don't know in advance how anything will work out and that's fine. Maybe he'll be the love of your life and you'll be together forever. Maybe you'll have a delicious few weeks or months together and decide actually its not quite right for you both after all. No one can say and that's OK. But he doesn't sound the type to play you. Go with the flow, chat to him when you see him and say you're not just looking for a lockdown fling and enjoy exploring this new dynamic!