Forgive me for how pathetic this sounds. We've been married for over a decade, have one child. Our marriage has been in decline ever since child was born (now 7). My husband is like a stranger to me. I didn't realise how emotionally closed he was. Being married to him is the loneliest experience of my life.
I don't know how to leave. I know how stupid that sounds. I feel paralysed. I have a job but I'll have to move away from where I live because I can't afford it. Everyone will be devastated if we divorce but I'm so unhappy. He must be too, it's impossible to tell. It's starting to impact on our child because our house is not happy. We have rows several times a week and bicker every day.
He is not a bad man, he's decent in lots of ways. But being with him is like being buried alive and waiting to run out of air. Sometimes it just feels easier to grow old and die but it's my one and only life and I can see how anxious and unhappy our child is becoming. I need to find the courage to leave, I've told him I'm thinking about it but nothing changes. He makes a half-hearted effort to be affectionate for a day or two and then goes back to normal. I have to ask him for a hug sometimes or he would never touch me at all.
I loved him a lot and we got married in great hope and happiness but life has just ground us down and driven us apart. Now I'm in my mid forties and it feels like if I don't go soon I'll never find the courage to. I'm angry that I've wasted so many years without any real affection. It feels like I'll never have love again.
We've had lots of difficult times in the last few years and Covid will probably finish us off. We were supposed to get counselling but he can't and won't. Covid hasn't helped. Sometimes we look at each other with real dislike.
I don't even know what I'm asking. I just know that it's so lonely being with him I can't do it anymore but I don't know how to leave. I don't know where to start.