Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

sister's boyfriend

60 replies

sisboyfriend · 25/01/2021 22:35

My sister has a boyfriend who keeps answering texts I send her. When I phone he is shouting things in the background at me. Like, I said that I didn't like a particular actor and he was shouting Yeah like you could win an oscar!! I find it a bit odd.

I went over there before lockdown and bought some food to cook for everyone. He was down the pub and when my sister called to ask when he was coming home he told her that he had food in the fridge and didn't want to eat my food. I get low blood sugar and needed to eat and cooked what I had bought for me but he didn't come home for three hours. When he walked in he said what's that smell of shit in my house? Obviously meaning my cooking.

He then started shouting at me and said I was taking advantage and that I could get myself a cab. I obviously left but felt very upset. I hurt my leg (turned out to be broken) and I asked my sister to collect me from A&E as I couldn't walk to get home and was in a lot of pain. She just sent me nasty messages and that she wasn't coming so I had to crawl up the stairs dragging my leg to get to my flat which really hurt.

My sister was feeling down and I got her a beauty treatment at a local spa (before covid). She called me afterwards and I thought she was going to thank me but she had a go at me instead saying it had taken longer than I had said and her bf was angry with her as she was late home.

Then at Christmas I got her some towels she wanted and she called Christmas day and said they were crap and at least she had vouchers so she could get something she wanted. she's done other things like she invited me to her bf's birthday party and I bought a new dress for it. I couldn''t afford to get to her place and don't drive so asked for a lift and sat there waiting, then sent her a text asking her what time she was coming and she sent a text back saying she wasn't as she didn't have time to collect me.

I feel really upset by this behaviour and feel ganged up on. I have really tried to be kind to her and don't understand why they are both treating me like this.

OP posts:

Lampan · 25/01/2021 22:40

Sounds to me like he is controlling her

MaLarkinn · 25/01/2021 22:44

i think she is being controlled here op. i feel so sad at the thought of you trying to get up the stairs and sitting waiting in your dress. what was she like before she met him?

timeforanother1 · 25/01/2021 22:48

Agree with above.

Has anyone else picked anything up?
How long have they been together?

Try not to take it personal.

Original poster

sisboyfriend · 25/01/2021 22:59

thanks to all who responded. It's not just him though. She told him about the time when I was 12 and accidently got her foot with the lawn mower. I didn't really hurt her, she had a graze. He was having a go at me on my birthday saying how I'd deliberately hurt her and spoilt my dinner. She must have told him that, so it's not just him. they are both horrible to me.

She isn't like this with my older sister and neither is he, he doesn't answer her texts. It was my sister who slagged off my present, not him.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 25/01/2021 23:02

Have you spoken to your older sister about it?

seensome · 25/01/2021 23:03

They both sound awful sorry, I would keep my distance from them.

Terracottasaur · 25/01/2021 23:04

He sounds abusive and a lot of her unkind behaviour to you sounds like her trying to appease him. Even the things she had told him (like the lawnmower incident) sounds like she’s telling him stories to deflect his controlling behaviour away from her and onto another target.

You don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag and would be well within your rights to refuse contact with them, but I would first try and convey to your sister that you’re concerned about her relationship and that if she needs support to leave it you’re there for her.

Ughmaybenot · 25/01/2021 23:04

Why are you bothering with either of them? They both sound awful, albeit I dare say he’s controlling.

OwlLovesTea · 25/01/2021 23:11

Wow, a lot going on there. I was in an abusive relationship once and I know that to a degree i threw people under a bus to deflect his judgement away from me for a while. He never had anything nice to say about any of my friends but for the moments he was judging my friends, it felt like he wasnt judging me (for whatever it was he was judging my friend/mother for).
Im sure it is some kind of survival strategy.

Nopreservatives · 25/01/2021 23:16

I don't know. The way you tell it, she is being controlled, but you don't sound particularly nice to her either, you do seem to need a lot of lifts, so it's possible he's trying to protect her from being taken advantage of? I accept it's more likely he's abusing her, only you will know if he would be right to have concerns about you. I don't know anyone who would buy a new dress for a party, leaving them relying on the host to pick them up.

OwlLovesTea · 25/01/2021 23:17

Agree with @Terracottasaur
Try to endure what you cannot escape hearing.
He cant control you. He has no power over you.
It is a very difficult situation.

Have you heard of self efficacy?
If you can encourage your sister to make changes in her life (nothing to do with him at this point, dont mention him) then it might help make her believe she does have power over her own life.
Even things like taking a different route to work. It's so hard to think of examples in a lockdown!

Original poster

sisboyfriend · 25/01/2021 23:30

I don't understand how I haven't been nice to her. Her bf was saying I was taking advantage of their booze and I'd had half a glass of wine. I don't really drink. I've had no lifts from her at all, I use public transport. I asked for a life from A&E as I couldn't manage by myself, I got a cab in the end and had to pull myself along the pavement, to the stairs and crawl up them. The second lift I asked for was for a party she'd invited me to but I couldn't afford to get there. She doesn't live far from me, it wouldn't have taken her out of her way. I don't see how that's me not being nice to her. I have bent over backwards for her in the past, supporting her, seeing her when she's sick

I have spoken to my older sister but because he's not doing it to her, she says to just forget about it.

He's big as well, about 6,5 and very broad. I know he's been violent in the past to other people. When he talks to me he squares up to me and puffs out his chest and narrows his eyes. My sister seems to like that about him though. She says it's like going out with a bouncer. One day someone said something to her that wasn't very nice and he slapped him around the face and she thought that was great.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2021 23:35

Just keep your distance. If she's changed since getting with him like pp is be concerned he's abusive and controlling but if it's only you, then I think for now step back and keep watch from afar. If he's isolating her from family one at a time he'll presumably move onto your other sister next

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/01/2021 00:51

I think I would stop buying her things tbh . It sounds a bit messed up , maybe try and keep your distance .

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/01/2021 00:52

And try and keep an eye if you can incase he is controlling her

Shaniac · 26/01/2021 01:18

Only on mn could asking your sibling for a lift be considered not nice eyes cant roll back far enough.

Honestly op not much you can do except step back. Dont accept any invites, dont buy them anything again, dont contact them. (if she texts you keep it light and casual, dont mention him at all and dont get drawn into any nastyness from her either, even if she is acting out to you because she cant say it to him).

Jumpers268 · 26/01/2021 05:00

He sounds awful if I'm honest. And if does sound like he's controlling her. I would take a step back if it were me, but maybe tell her that and that if she needs you you'll obviously still be there for her. Makes me sad though; I'm incredibly close to my sister. Also, my sister and I both drive and we'll often ask each other for lifts; when we're hungover or can't be arsed to drive 😂.

Sillysandy · 26/01/2021 08:19

They are treating you appallingly. I would find it hard to move on from even one of those instances. Smell of in 'his' (is it his?) house when you've been kind enough to cook? And leaving you sitting in your house ready to go to his party? Words fail me regarding the a&e situation.

Honestly I would have nothing to do with them whatsoever as a couple. Tell her you will see her on her own if she wants but that's it. You know whether she's being controlled or not doesn't mean you have to put up with her nastiness towards you either. She thinks being with a big bully that squares up to women or slaps a man for a wayward comment is great? Pathetic more like.

I suspect as soon as you step back they will be pushing back on you as he will have lost control if you're dancing to his tune anymore. Don't be swayed. If she shows up with him, leave. Don't depend on them for lifts or anything else. Tell her she has to come to you. Awful man.

Nopreservatives · 26/01/2021 08:23

@Shaniac

Only on mn could asking your sibling for a lift be considered not nice

eyes cant roll back far enough.

I didn't say that was the case, I specifically said it was more likely the boyfriend was the problem. However, I am aware this is one side of the story and people naturally tell it from their own pov. Of course, there's no harm in asking, it depends what kind of expectation there is and what happens if it's not convenient.

Pissoff2020 · 26/01/2021 09:13

I would have less contact with them both, neither of them treat you nice and putting up with it only allows them to get nastier. He sounds abusive but she has also been horrible to you. Stop texting as much and be less available when she wants you round. It’s sad but you need to focus on yourself, nobody should be treating you like that

user1493413286 · 26/01/2021 09:19

What was she like before getting together with this boyfriend?
If she was nice in the past and has become like this with you since getting together with him then I think it’s him behind her being nasty to you and most likely trying to isolate her from you. If that’s the case then I would try and keep the relationship with her while seeing him as little as possible.
If she always been a bit like this then I’d step back from both of them as much as you can; be friendly when you see them but try to emotionally take a step back

OwlLovesTea · 26/01/2021 18:04

He sounds a nightmare @sisboyfriend but you cannot make your sis wake up

All you can do is back off a bit but not completely. He will turn that nastiness directly on to her before too long.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2021 18:34

He sounds like he’s controlling and abusing her. Stay there for her because she’s going to need her family around her

MondayYogurt · 26/01/2021 21:08

Sadly, you won't be able to 'nice' your way into their good books. No matter how close you used to be, what presents you get her, how thoughtful you are, how helpful, or how supportive - nothing you do will appease them.
This is because she is choosing a controlling, possibly abusive, partner over you. Judging her for this won't help either.
Try to protect yourself and keep communication with her open, but not at the cost of your own wellbeing. You can use the time to read up on controlling relationships.

timeforanother1 · 26/01/2021 22:15

I think the best thing you can do is keep contact (if you wish) but keep your distance from them both.

Whatever you decide I'd let your sister know you're always there for her if she needed you.

If she was like this before him maybe you need to stay away. If it's a change since being with him it's most likely his influence, either way you have a choice to stay in touch.

Flip

1 2 3