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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sister's boyfriend

60 replies

sisboyfriend · 25/01/2021 22:35

My sister has a boyfriend who keeps answering texts I send her. When I phone he is shouting things in the background at me. Like, I said that I didn't like a particular actor and he was shouting Yeah like you could win an oscar!! I find it a bit odd.

I went over there before lockdown and bought some food to cook for everyone. He was down the pub and when my sister called to ask when he was coming home he told her that he had food in the fridge and didn't want to eat my food. I get low blood sugar and needed to eat and cooked what I had bought for me but he didn't come home for three hours. When he walked in he said what's that smell of shit in my house? Obviously meaning my cooking.

He then started shouting at me and said I was taking advantage and that I could get myself a cab. I obviously left but felt very upset. I hurt my leg (turned out to be broken) and I asked my sister to collect me from A&E as I couldn't walk to get home and was in a lot of pain. She just sent me nasty messages and that she wasn't coming so I had to crawl up the stairs dragging my leg to get to my flat which really hurt.

My sister was feeling down and I got her a beauty treatment at a local spa (before covid). She called me afterwards and I thought she was going to thank me but she had a go at me instead saying it had taken longer than I had said and her bf was angry with her as she was late home.

Then at Christmas I got her some towels she wanted and she called Christmas day and said they were crap and at least she had vouchers so she could get something she wanted. she's done other things like she invited me to her bf's birthday party and I bought a new dress for it. I couldn''t afford to get to her place and don't drive so asked for a lift and sat there waiting, then sent her a text asking her what time she was coming and she sent a text back saying she wasn't as she didn't have time to collect me.

I feel really upset by this behaviour and feel ganged up on. I have really tried to be kind to her and don't understand why they are both treating me like this.

OP posts:

NovemberR · 26/01/2021 22:21

The pair of them sound awful. To be honest she sounds an utter bitch as well. He might or might not be controlling - but the only thing I get that from is the phone/texts.

A lot of the rest is directly from her. She's nasty and I'd stop contacting either of them. If she breaks up with him and wants to speak with you (and apologise) she knows where you are.

Cut her out your life for now. You don't have to let anyone treat you like shit.

Standrewsschool · 26/01/2021 22:24

@Shoxfordian

He sounds like he’s controlling and abusing her. Stay there for her because she’s going to need her family around her

This.

Whichnamepls · 27/01/2021 00:24

I would not be contacting either of them. They both sound awful.

Whydidimarryhim · 27/01/2021 07:24

You need to leave them too it sadly.
She maybe being abused but you cannot help her.
He’s a bully.
You need to protect yourself first and foremost.
Do you have any real life support.

Original poster

sisboyfriend · 27/01/2021 12:18

She's been with him for over 15 years and her behaviour towards me has become very aggressive and plain mean. Speaking to her feels like going a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson. Once when she left my house after having a go at me for two hours about what a shit hole it was, I was shaking and called a work counselling service to talk about it.

After she called me and laughed at my present saying how crap it was. I sent her a message the next day (didn't want to have an argument at Christmas) and said that I was fed up with the way she was talking to me. She has a strong character and I'm not sure if her boyfriend isn't just bringing out the worst in her. After the incident at her house (they are both on the mortgage, it's also my sister's house) I've only seen him once and plan to keep away from him.

My sister is constantly making snide nasty remarks to me. I see myself as her older sister and try to be supportive. I mostly ignore it but am at the end of my tether with her. It's very hard though to see her with him and not be able to speak to her but I wonder if she is simply handing him her phone so he can send me nasty messages. It feels like they are in this together.

She knows I'm there if she needs me but she never contacts me and when I do contact her she says she's busy and she'll phone me back which she never does. If I do manage to speak to her, her boyfriend is in the background shouting stuff at me.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 27/01/2021 12:29

You need to separate yourself from her. Your recent post saying this has been happening for 15 years. Step back.

Branleuse · 27/01/2021 12:39

you need to step back from them. They openly speak to you with utter contempt and that is very difficult to come back from even if both people want it to, but if she thinks its all fine and is being egged on by her arse of a partner, then it isnt going to happen. protect yourself and have some self respect. Block them

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/01/2021 12:42

If you absolutely have to make contact with your sister then ring her, don't rely on texts.

I think her attitude is learned from him. Was she very young when they got together?
When you actually speak to her tell her that you will be there for her when she finally leaves him but until she does you will not engage with them.
If he is verbally or physically abusive towards you then call the police.

harknesswitch · 27/01/2021 13:24

I think I'd block both of them and no longer have anything else to do with them. They sound bike

P1ainJanine · 27/01/2021 13:27

Sounds like your sister resents you, and is enjoying the power trip of having a physically intimidating partner. I'd say she was source of the antipathy toward you, not him.

Cut contact to the bare minumum, she isn't going to change any time soon.

Original poster

sisboyfriend · 27/01/2021 13:38

@MrsMoastyToasty

If you absolutely have to make contact with your sister then ring her, don't rely on texts. I think her attitude is learned from him. Was she very young when they got together? When you actually speak to her tell her that you will be there for her when she finally leaves him but until she does you will not engage with them. If he is verbally or physically abusive towards you then call the police.

I see her as easily influenced as she seems to take on the character of people she's around. She has become very aggressive verbally since she met him. And no she didn't meet him early on, it was in her 30s.

I can't call her. What happens when I call her is "Hello, I'm busy now will call you back" Does not call back. I might phone back a bit later and say you didn't call and her boyfriend will be in the background shouting stuff at me. He even called me once and had a go at me about something that didn't even involve me, just to take it out on me I suppose. I think he's barking.

And yes, as a pp says, she does seem to enjoy the power trip. As the youngest I suppose she might have felt as though she didn't have much power and now she can lord it over her older sisters with a bouncer of a boyfriend who is physically intimidating and emotionally abusive.

I do see her as a victim which is why I held on for so long but I'm considering cutting ties which is why I started this thread as I wanted to see if I was over reacting. It's hard to let go of your little sister, even if she is a pain in the arse.

OP posts:

ThelmaNotLouise · 27/01/2021 13:55

Why are you even bothering with her, OP? Putting aside what the boyfriend does, she treats you abysmally and is verbally abusive and yet you still maintain contact. Why? She brings nothing to your life, so cut her off and him too.

famousforwrongreason · 27/01/2021 13:55

Sounds like my sisters husband. He's a totally abusive cunt. Sadly she's become really nasty ascwell.. I'm sure it's to excuse the fact she's alienated her whole family for a twisted sadistic bastard.
Its very sad but I had to estrange myself for my own protection

OwlLovesTea · 27/01/2021 14:00

Wow. That is a really bad situation.

But perversely, having no support might, miiiight make her wake up finally. At the moment she feels conflicted when you call because he doesnt allow it and it's awkward for her.

Let her realise that you have stepped away.

💐🍷 for you.

It must be torture for you to watch this.

AnyTimeSoon · 27/01/2021 14:02

She sounds absolutely nasty and vile. Why do you keep chasing her when she treats you so badly??

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 27/01/2021 14:10

With people like that you can’t win favour by being nice and kind. They see it as weakness and despise it.

The nicer you are, the crueler they will be to you.

Personally I’d be like water. Don’t confront, but don’t engage. Just flow away. If she invites you to something decline cheerfully without reasons “thanks, but not my thing. Have a nice time”.

Mittens030869 · 27/01/2021 16:19

I agree that she sounds like she's at least as unpleasant as he is and you honestly should stop allowing her to treat you like she does.

Itstimetoquit · 31/01/2021 16:23

They both sound awful,I would go no contact x

RantyAnty · 31/01/2021 16:38

He's horrible and abusive. She's not any better. I hope their isn't any children living there.

Like other posters have said, go no contact with them. Your life will be much calmer without their abuse towards you.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2021 16:42

Op this is a middle aged woman not some kid. You need to cut contact. Stop trying. Stop reaching out. They aren’t interested ok. It doesn’t matter why, you need to stop now. I know it’s hard but that’s who they are, it’s not about you

You need to go no contact.

nimbuscloud · 31/01/2021 16:43

You’ll feel better if you steer clear of them both.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 31/01/2021 16:52

Yeah, you're chasing something that just isn't there I'm afraid OP. They are horrible people, they don't respond to kindness the way you or I would. I wouldn't allow a bf to speak to my sibling the way your sister's partner does, no way. And she isn't much better with how she has treated you, shouting at you for getting her a nice present is awful.

Just stop contacting them and give your head a break from them, it must be very stressful.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/01/2021 17:17

If it helps at all...

I had to wait until DSis was in her late 40s before she saw through our DF. Now she is furious at the things he stole from her: money, years, me, DM.

But she is back in my life, he still isn't!

Whitecup4 · 31/01/2021 17:27

Why are you bothering? They don’t like you.

You should stop wasting your time on her, she doesn’t care about you and it’s not worth your time or effort, she sounds horrible

Cherrysoup · 31/01/2021 17:42

No offence, OP, but why do you put yourself through this? You phone, she doesn’t want to speak, he’s abusive. You do nice things for her, she’s then nasty. I know it’s horrible and hard to take, but seriously, why do you keep contact with her? She’s clearly not interested.

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