sister's boyfriend

[sisboyfriend]

My sister has a boyfriend who keeps answering texts I send her. When I phone he is shouting things in the background at me. Like, I said that I didn't like a particular actor and he was shouting Yeah like you could win an oscar!! I find it a bit odd.

I went over there before lockdown and bought some food to cook for everyone. He was down the pub and when my sister called to ask when he was coming home he told her that he had food in the fridge and didn't want to eat my food. I get low blood sugar and needed to eat and cooked what I had bought for me but he didn't come home for three hours. When he walked in he said what's that smell of shit in my house? Obviously meaning my cooking.

He then started shouting at me and said I was taking advantage and that I could get myself a cab. I obviously left but felt very upset. I hurt my leg (turned out to be broken) and I asked my sister to collect me from A&E as I couldn't walk to get home and was in a lot of pain. She just sent me nasty messages and that she wasn't coming so I had to crawl up the stairs dragging my leg to get to my flat which really hurt.

My sister was feeling down and I got her a beauty treatment at a local spa (before covid). She called me afterwards and I thought she was going to thank me but she had a go at me instead saying it had taken longer than I had said and her bf was angry with her as she was late home.

Then at Christmas I got her some towels she wanted and she called Christmas day and said they were crap and at least she had vouchers so she could get something she wanted. she's done other things like she invited me to her bf's birthday party and I bought a new dress for it. I couldn''t afford to get to her place and don't drive so asked for a lift and sat there waiting, then sent her a text asking her what time she was coming and she sent a text back saying she wasn't as she didn't have time to collect me.

I feel really upset by this behaviour and feel ganged up on. I have really tried to be kind to her and don't understand why they are both treating me like this.

She’s definitely being controlled by this man. He doesn’t like that you two are close as she may one day wake up and smell coffee whilst having support around her. That for him is dangerous. I don’t know what to advise, my friend is in a similar situation and every time I’ve tried to help it’s been like talking to a brick wall, I love her but I clearly can’t help her.

Stop contacting her. Why are you letting her treat you like this. Ignore her.

Thank you everyone. I think I was approaching this from the stance that I was doing something wrong, and that I could be doing more to help. That's why I was reaching out to her and being supportive and trying to stay in her life because she is with an abuser.

But I think I need to just completely back away and leave them to it as the more I try, the more hostile both of them become. I'm really grateful to everyone who has responded, thank you.

I haven't spoken to my sister since Christmas after her nasty phone call. It was the last straw I think. I've blocked her and am just letting her get on with it.

Thanks

Wise move OP.

Very unhealthy to allow people to treat you badly repeatedly.

Stay completely away from them both.

Out of interest did she buy you anything nice for Christmas?

As sad as it sounds its like helping an alcoholic or drug addict - you can only help them if they want to be helped.

Nothing good can come from you maintaining contact and if she does need help she has her other sister in the first instance.
If she does get in contact dont allow her to bully you

Yes, just stop being their punchbag, you've tried for 15 years!! That just proves nothing will change if you keep doing the same. Disengage, the only bit where your priorities might have been skewed was paying for a new dress when you couldn't afford the cost of public transport - they likely would of wanted to drink and not drive. The rest is just nasty.

@Wherearemymarbles

Out of interest did she buy you anything nice for Christmas?

As sad as it sounds its like helping an alcoholic or drug addict - you can only help them if they want to be helped.

Nothing good can come from you maintaining contact and if she does need help she has her other sister in the first instance.
If she does get in contact dont allow her to bully you

No. She didn't get me anything but she did have a go at me for around 10 minutes at what the fuck I was thinking. How shit they were and at least she had voucher so she could buy something nice. I offered to send back the towels, if she wanted to drop them round and she said she couldn't be bothered and would give them to charity.

@Opentooffers

Yes, just stop being their punchbag, you've tried for 15 years!! That just proves nothing will change if you keep doing the same. Disengage, the only bit where your priorities might have been skewed was paying for a new dress when you couldn't afford the cost of public transport - they likely would of wanted to drink and not drive. The rest is just nasty.

My priorities were not skewed at all. In order to get to my sister's place, which has bad public transport links - I have to get a bus, walk 15 minutes to the overground, get a train for 40 minutes and then get a bus to her place, taking about an hour and a half and costing about £25.

She invited me to the party a couple of months before and I bought myself something new for it then. On the day, I didn't have the £25 needed for the fare, so I asked her for a lift because, by car on the motorway, the journey is about 25 minutes. I would have stayed at hers as the party was up the road from her house and I asked for a lift at lunchtime. I also said that I would help to prepare if she needed a hand.

I understand that for some, they'd rather stick pins in their eyeballs, than help someone out. I'm not like that and will do anything to help someone I care about. You have no idea of the amount of times I have been there for her, so perhaps it's best not to judge.

Hard to say really if she is being controlled to be honest. I don't think she is to be honest, which doesn't really bode well that she is acting this way herself.

Continue ignoring her, talk to your other sister only and don't bother with them two anymore. They aren't exactly worth your time.

I think if she cant even buy you a present yet expects one and then slags you off for it you know all you need to know.

On your shoes I’d totally cut her out of my life. I realise this is easier said than done.