Does it sound like DP just isn't attracted to me anymore? Honest opinions?

[alibialibi]

Long 14 year relationship.

I just don't feel like he sees me as a sexual woman any more, if that makes sense.

Past couple of years our sex life has been different.

Used to be adventurous, involved. I was in no doubt he was attracted to me.

Now - he does still initiate but he is over keen on blow jobs or else he will just turn me over or get on top and (sorry if tmi) pump away.

Next to no kissing now, oral on me stopped years ago, he occasionally offers to touch me but it's not passionate, zero foreplay, he only takes off my clothes enough as is practical, sex texts during the day stopped.

He is still affectionate in other ways, cuddling, thoughtful, cooks for me, talks about the future and always me in it.

Now, he will touch me if I ask, if I take off my bra he will touch my breasts etc. He takes those cues, but I'm so sad that he doesn't seem to actively want me.

I'm so sad and feel so unwanted. I ask and ask for foreplay and he always says "next time", "I just wanted to jump on you", "of course I am attracted to you". Fucking nothing changes.

He's not a talker. I know him well enough to know he wouldn't admit if he loves me but isn't attracted to me. He hates talking about relationship stuff.

We just had yet another big row about it.

Is he just no longer attracted to me or bored of me and won't say??

he will just turn me over or get on top and (sorry if tmi) pump away.

Why on earth are you letting him do that to you?

It sounds like boredom and laziness.

How old are you OP and do you have kids?

@smoothchange I realise how it sounds, I don't mean it like that, I'm not uncomfortable or not wanting it or anything, it's just he isn't interested in any foreplay with me any more, always next time blah blah.. IF I outright asked he would ask what foreplay I wanted and do it somewhat mechanically, but I want him to actually want to, if that makes sense..

That just sounds so grim, like you are just a wank sock to him.
Could you go to counselling about this?
Does he make you come, or I'm guessing, he's only interested in dumping his load, doesn't even sound that great for him if I'm honest?

I was going to ask if you had kids. Did you get in the habit of quick sex with little kids and that’s continued?

It sounds as if he just can't be bothered. Say to him you know what I can't be bothered either. So lets call it a day. He sounds very insensitive to put it nicely.

[quote alibialibi]@smoothchange I realise how it sounds, I don't mean it like that, I'm not uncomfortable or not wanting it or anything, it's just he isn't interested in any foreplay with me any more, always next time blah blah.. IF I outright asked he would ask what foreplay I wanted and do it somewhat mechanically, but I want him to actually want to, if that makes sense..[/quote]

It's exactly as it sounds. He is using you and you are letting him because you crave the affection.

Say no!next he says next time, say nope.
He sounds selfish a shit shag

@tootysweety I'm 34. I have one DC from a previous relationship who's nearly an adult, and we have one DC together who's nearly at secondary.

I think he's doing it as passive aggressive power.

@SunshineSister I go to counselling for other issues I have, he wouldn't go for counselling, he is really uncomfortable with 'talking' about emotions.

I used to climax more when he was more interested and did foreplay etc but not every time, now I sometimes do but less often. If I asked him to make me climax with fingers he would willingly oblige, but my point is that he doesn't seem to want to of his own desire. Which is putting me off. Sometimes he will say "why didn't you come" and I'm like .

I have spoken to him so many times, asked him for what I need. No effort from him unless I actively ask during.. That's what makes me think he loves me but just doesn't fancy me anymore.

What would happen if you just stopped having sex with him?

I wouldn’t let it get to “next time”. If he’s not doing it for you, don’t blow him or let him “climb on top”. Stop it dead in its tracks and say “it’s not working for me tonight, I’m going to sleep, night”. Every. Time.

If he’s too lazy to make sure you’re enjoying it, he doesn’t get his.

If he didn’t find you attractive he wouldn’t be doing it at all. He’s just being a lazy cock. Don’t let him get away with it.

If he says next time, say no, this time please. You don’t get to come until I have several times This is an unwritten rule that we have - otherwise afterwards he’s no use to anyone, so I come first. If I’m not feeling it for whatever reason, maybe he’s not been very affectionate or we’re both tired and it’s lacklustre, there’s no cheeky one sided business, as that’s a slippery slope. We either both give 100% or it doesn’t happen. More often than not, it happens. But the minute you let that imbalance in, it’s too easy to let it all be about him. You deserve pleasure too.

@ThePlantsitter love your name . If I stopped all sex?? He would moan and probably say he felt rejected . If I still gave him oral, sadly I suspect he wouldn't care if there were long time gaps in-between actual sex. Tbh we've never went long without even after our DC. My problem is that I think he doesn't actually desire me anymore, he just does it for his release, the closeness, and because he feels that we 'should' do it when we get Child free time, cause we always have.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble I'll try get my hard hat on and try this thanks!! But

If he didn’t find you attractive he wouldn’t be doing it at all. He’s just being a lazy cock. Don’t let him get away with it.

Do you think so?? I'm not sure. I know he loves me very much, he is comfortable, isn't much of a ladies man etc, so why wouldn't he still go through the motions even if he's not that attracted to me anymore??

Thanks re: name

I mean you could play games and stop sex altogether (including oral sex) and then make yourself as 'inviting' as possible to work on making him desire you. It would probably work. But ultimately he must know that sex is no fun for you if he's making no kind of effort to give you pleasure. That's not actually about not desiring you, it's about being selfish. I'm not saying he doesn't love you but why treat someone you love like that? Like they're there to give you a service with nothing for themselves? I think you need to look deeper. There's something else going on (I don't mean an affair necessarily). He needs to talk to you. If he won't discuss his feelings and he won't give you pleasure as your due, what's in it for you to have sex with him anyway?

@ThePlantsitter thanks for your insight. I know what you mean about why would you treat someone you love like that, I do think why doesn't he take on board when I'm saying how it makes me feel. Although he would do anything IF I ask (touching, positions, anything), he doesn't seem to desire to do these things with me himself, which leads me to think I put him off somehow.
He's definitely not having an affair. What else do you think could be going on??

When did you notice the change? Has he become lazy with other things too? How is he coping with lockdown?
I wonder if there's something else going on? Not trying to make excuses as it sounds awful and shit for you.

Oh I didn't mean it to sound all ominous. I just meant something in his mind. For example my DH can get a bit like this when he's feeling stressed out and it's like he's using me as a comfort blanket by mindless fucking. Which obviously I don't put up with.

@lulujuju

I'm not sure when things changed, it's weird but I can't pinpoint it I think it was a gradual change. Somewhere between 2017 - 2018 probably. Way before lockdown.

This is so sad. :( He's using you as a sex doll and you're just letting him use you like an object. The mechanical sex sounds like he's been influenced by porn, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what the cause is. You're not married, you're not legally committed to him. Just leave him OP.

i’m in the same boat op, just a little ahead of you up shit creek.

it’s utterly soul destroying and i’m on my way to an affair.

Sounds like it’s just become mundane to him and he’s got lazy with it. I doubt he’s not attracted to you. More you’re not shiney and new and he can’t be arsed making the effort. You will be right it’s just the release

To put it crudely it’s like taking a shit. He gets an urge, he does it, end of. Your pleasure has become unimportant to him. He’s just too lazy.

@MaLarkinn I'm sorry you are in the same boat. For the first time ever today I said to him out of frustration I'll find someone who is interested in me as a woman then. Now I feel bad.

@Bluntness100 Yes, exactly!! I feel like he loves me like an old blanket, he's always planning nice dinners and walks etc for us, but he doesn't 'see' me in that way anymore, like as a sexual woman. Today we had some Child free time, he asked for a blow job, I said no cause the last few times I haven't climaxed and I resent it, then he just ignored it, just before DC were coming back in, I was getting dressed and he was like 'come here then', like he felt obliged cause we usually do it when get the opportunity and it would be strange not to, same old no foreplay no effort, then he goes that was great and starts talking about dinner and chess whilst I'm still lying there nearly naked. He knows fine well I'm unhappy. He's definitely bored of me physically but would never admit that.