Does it sound like DP just isn't attracted to me anymore? Honest opinions?

[alibialibi]

Long 14 year relationship.

I just don't feel like he sees me as a sexual woman any more, if that makes sense.

Past couple of years our sex life has been different.

Used to be adventurous, involved. I was in no doubt he was attracted to me.

Now - he does still initiate but he is over keen on blow jobs or else he will just turn me over or get on top and (sorry if tmi) pump away.

Next to no kissing now, oral on me stopped years ago, he occasionally offers to touch me but it's not passionate, zero foreplay, he only takes off my clothes enough as is practical, sex texts during the day stopped.

He is still affectionate in other ways, cuddling, thoughtful, cooks for me, talks about the future and always me in it.

Now, he will touch me if I ask, if I take off my bra he will touch my breasts etc. He takes those cues, but I'm so sad that he doesn't seem to actively want me.

I'm so sad and feel so unwanted. I ask and ask for foreplay and he always says "next time", "I just wanted to jump on you", "of course I am attracted to you". Fucking nothing changes.

He's not a talker. I know him well enough to know he wouldn't admit if he loves me but isn't attracted to me. He hates talking about relationship stuff.

We just had yet another big row about it.

Is he just no longer attracted to me or bored of me and won't say??

It’s possible he doesn’t desire you anymore but still feels the need for sex. It sounds a bit grim to be honest.

what did he say to that op?

i’m so angry with myself i can’t walk away, wtf is wrong with me.

@MaLarkinn He said "It's you who speaks of other people and you have the cheek to tell me that I don't want you, fuck off" .

Don't feel bad that you feel as if you can't leave, I feel the same. It's complicated when lives are entwined.

[quote alibialibi]@MaLarkinn He said "It's you who speaks of other people and you have the cheek to tell me that I don't want you, fuck off" .

Don't feel bad that you feel as if you can't leave, I feel the same. It's complicated when lives are entwined.[/quote]
He said what????

Stop giving him blow jobs for a start!

@GhYr

It’s possible he doesn’t desire you anymore but still feels the need for sex. It sounds a bit grim to be honest.

Yes. If I'm completely honest, I have a good idea what's going on. He would never confirm it though, or even discuss it.

I think it's a combination of -

Boredom and Laziness (same person for 14 years)
combined with ..
Tendency to selfishness
combined with ..
I wouldn't say he's repulsed by me, or he wouldn't do it, but probably his attraction to me has decreased.

@Silenceisgolden20 He said "It's you who speaks of other people and you have the cheek to tell me that I don't want you, fuck off" in response to me saying twice that I'd find someone who is interested in me (out of hurt).

But you will find someone who is interested in you and treats you better. He needs to know that. Does he think you'll stick around for that shit sex the rest of your life??
He needs a wake up call. Treating you like that.

I don’t know how you can be treated like that and still believe he loves you. He is using and abusing you. You’ve just got too used to it, like the boiling frog. Utterly grim to read how he treats you and speaks to you. You keep asking why. Men in general don’t have to be massively attracted to a woman to use them like a wank sock. It’s just scratching an itch. And possibly asserting his dominance - that he can use you as he chooses with no concern for your needs or wants. Jesus, surely you deserve and can have better than this?

Or if he does “love” you then what does that mean? What is it worth? Very little from what you’ve described.

@Silenceisgolden20

But you will find someone who is interested in you and treats you better. He needs to know that. Does he think you'll stick around for that shit sex the rest of your life?? He needs a wake up call. Treating you like that.

I said it more out of frustration that he won't discuss it, refuses to acknowledge there's any problem (stopping kissing, foreplay, etc with your partner unless specifically asked, for years, I'd say is a problem).

I think he does think I'll stick around yes. I think he sees us as 'family' rather than 'relationship'.

@SparklingLime I see what you are saying, but I don't think it's that he is abusive and doesn't love me. He does do things I ask for or want during sex, it's that I have to ask (because he's complacent and doesn't fancy me the same), he wouldn't turn me down or anything, I just don't get any impression of that desire from him.

I know others are saying laziness, boredom and selfishness etc....but what I see here is lack of confidence (like he doesn't feel desired or able to please you sexually)

Has he lost confidence in your sex life? You say you climax less, does he feel he's lost the knack? Why did he stop giving you oral? He doesn't talk about emotions - he'd never open up to any vulnerability voluntarily. Has he lost body confidence, put on weight perhaps, feeling like he's ageing?

He basically sounds to me like he has a chip on his shoulder about something.

My first thought was is he gay?

But if he won't discuss it what sort of relationship is that?

he wouldn't turn me down or anything

This is so sad, your expectations are so low. And now someone’s saying he lacks confidence in bed. Jesus 🤦🏻‍♀️

You seem to feel that being sexually desired is the holy grail, and of course you want your partner to desire you. But he doesn’t respect you. That’s the deal breaker.

@Pechanga He doesn't show signs of any of lack of confidence or anything. Maybe slightly he feels as if I climax less then there's not much point in him trying (I've allowed that pattern by not expecting him to 'finish me off' if I don't), and he is older than me and sometimes goes soft at too much changing of positions etc so maybe sticks to what works for him. I really do sense a lack of attraction though as well. He doesn't lack confidence with me though, it's hard to say how but I just know him well.

@wifterwafter Definitely not gay. We had years and years of great sex.

@Silenceisgolden20 Agreed.

thing is op if he won’t talk about it you’ll just keep going round in circles and driving yourself mad. mine says he still fancies me bla bla but actions speak louder than words. he doesn’t even come to bed stays up all night working in the shed. christ, i’m getting the rage now thinking about it.

@MaLarkinn

thing is op if he won’t talk about it you’ll just keep going round in circles and driving yourself mad. mine says he still fancies me bla bla but actions speak louder than words. he doesn’t even come to bed stays up all night working in the shed. christ, i’m getting the rage now thinking about it.

Exactly. Mine says the same, still fancy you bla bla. I get the rage too, but then feel bad.

He sounds a bit shit and head-in-the-sand about it, OP.

When it came down to it, if you had the choice of either staying as things are now and having this cycle of getting resentful or leaving, which would you do?

Because while he might change, the chances are more likely that he'll refuse to do any of the work to make that change happen: honestly tell you if there's a lack of attraction, if there's a confidence issue, if he's bored and wants to mix things up, to stop being lazy, to go to a sex positive therapist. All of those things require him to stop being head in the sand, and admit some fault, have an honest conversation, admit there's a problem.

Only you know if he would eventually get to the point where he'd be willing to do that work, but if he doesn't: are you going to stay? Because it's a possibility. And, more important for you to think about now, do you want to stay with someone who sees your pleasure as so incidental and less important than his own that he has to be forced into changing? I don't know if I would - that in itself would make me feel worse about myself than all the shit sex. .

But it's also something that lots of people have trouble talking honestly about and there's lots of weird associated shame with admitting your sex life isn't good, that you've lost the spark, that you might not be 'good in bed'. His reluctance to change might not be malicious, but it is still damaging you. By all means try again to make him see how genuinely important this is to you, but be prepared that he is just not willing to try.

He’s taking you for granted.

I’ve been with my DH 14 years. The sex is the same (less frequent, as is normal), as it was then. He takes the same care and attention as he did the very first time. In fact, he said the other day that it’s better now than he’s ever had it because there’s no awkwardness and you can laugh if you get cramp etc. You can be comfortable, but it’s no reason not to make any effort!

Length of relationship is no excuse for becoming lazy. You’ve got to somehow make him care about your sex life, and I’m not sure how you would that save for threatening to have no more sex at all if he doesn’t make more effort.

@whoamongstus Thank you, that's food for thought.

I am as sure as I can be that he won't fundamentally change. Head in the sand is him to a tee. I don't believe it's malicious but it's certainly damaging.

Would I leave?? That's really complicated for a few reasons.

On one hand, I can't see myself with anyone else in a relationship sense. Times are hard right now, and family stuff, so not soon anyway. I do love him.

On the other hand, I think it's a big 'thing' that we met when I was 19 and I'm 34 now. I never experienced 'good' sex before him. It's major to accept that this kind of 'sex life' will be my 30s and beyond. I find it so so difficult to accept that and it makes me so angry and resentful. If I live to an old age, I can see myself looking back and bitterly resenting that I only ever had decent sex for a time in my 20s.

How sad that your first thought is “he’s not attracted to me” rather than “he’s become selfish”.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but I’m sure Philip schofields wife might have said the same. What I’m getting at is this is about him not you. Until he’s prepared to accept theres a problem you’ll search for answers x

But how would he go about saying “I’m not attracted to you any more?” If he loves you and doesn't want to split up, there is absolutely no way he can admit that. And it’s not something you can always help.
I dont think “honest chats” about sex are always honest - or the clinical, germanic nature always welcome.
Your rights and assertions about foreplay are fair enough- but get accusatory and its not going to work- noone wants to have sex at gunpoint
Maybe neither of you are feeling very sexy in yourselves? As esther Perel says eroticism is in the mystery, the space between. Being stuck in house all day not helpful.
Maybe get creative with it- watch one of those eighties thrillers with sex in and try it out (9 1/2 weeks etc), or go Lysistrata and refuse at all until he is gagging for it. But I wouldnt say that bluntly- especially not if you suspect the real reason may be e poor sod avoiding revealing his ED!
Id say something more playful like - “how are you going to persuade me?”
Probably want to leave it a few weeks after a row about it though or it might look a bit mad
Definitely dont do it if you feel like thebcharmingly put “wank sock” though. Its not a duty (you)! Or a habit (him)! Its a wonderful pleasure. It sounds like youve both forgotten that
Good luck x

But how would he go about saying “I’m not attracted to you any more?” If he loves you and doesn't want to split up, there is absolutely no way he can admit that. And it’s not something you can always help.

Exactly. I know he loves me and I know he doesn't want to split up, and that he wouldn't admit he's not attracted to me anymore. But I don't want to waste my life with someone who is not attracted to me anymore, that's soul destroying for me.

I agree it's not always helpful to always be having talks about it. I can't seem to help it though. The row today reached a new level with me saying about other people. I really regret saying that, because I probably hurt him and also now I look like 'the bad guy'..