Does it sound like DP just isn't attracted to me anymore? Honest opinions?

[alibialibi]

Long 14 year relationship.

I just don't feel like he sees me as a sexual woman any more, if that makes sense.

Past couple of years our sex life has been different.

Used to be adventurous, involved. I was in no doubt he was attracted to me.

Now - he does still initiate but he is over keen on blow jobs or else he will just turn me over or get on top and (sorry if tmi) pump away.

Next to no kissing now, oral on me stopped years ago, he occasionally offers to touch me but it's not passionate, zero foreplay, he only takes off my clothes enough as is practical, sex texts during the day stopped.

He is still affectionate in other ways, cuddling, thoughtful, cooks for me, talks about the future and always me in it.

Now, he will touch me if I ask, if I take off my bra he will touch my breasts etc. He takes those cues, but I'm so sad that he doesn't seem to actively want me.

I'm so sad and feel so unwanted. I ask and ask for foreplay and he always says "next time", "I just wanted to jump on you", "of course I am attracted to you". Fucking nothing changes.

He's not a talker. I know him well enough to know he wouldn't admit if he loves me but isn't attracted to me. He hates talking about relationship stuff.

We just had yet another big row about it.

Is he just no longer attracted to me or bored of me and won't say??

@Tundra235 I'm what way do you mean??

@alibialibi

But how would he go about saying “I’m not attracted to you any more?” If he loves you and doesn't want to split up, there is absolutely no way he can admit that. And it’s not something you can always help.

Exactly. I know he loves me and I know he doesn't want to split up, and that he wouldn't admit he's not attracted to me anymore. But I don't want to waste my life with someone who is not attracted to me anymore, that's soul destroying for me.

I agree it's not always helpful to always be having talks about it. I can't seem to help it though. The row today reached a new level with me saying about other people. I really regret saying that, because I probably hurt him and also now I look like 'the bad guy'..

But you need have that row. You need to talk about it. Getting cross with him is all the resentment building. Imagine 20 more years of that. Watching 9.5 weeks isn't going to help. You're both ignoring this. It is so sad to read that you are expecting this for the rest of your life and you've been together since you were 19. You've got years ahead of you of better sex. It doesn't have to be like this. Stop accepting it.

[quote alibialibi]@whoamongstus Thank you, that's food for thought.

I am as sure as I can be that he won't fundamentally change. Head in the sand is him to a tee. I don't believe it's malicious but it's certainly damaging.

Would I leave?? That's really complicated for a few reasons.

On one hand, I can't see myself with anyone else in a relationship sense. Times are hard right now, and family stuff, so not soon anyway. I do love him.

On the other hand, I think it's a big 'thing' that we met when I was 19 and I'm 34 now. I never experienced 'good' sex before him. It's major to accept that this kind of 'sex life' will be my 30s and beyond. I find it so so difficult to accept that and it makes me so angry and resentful. If I live to an old age, I can see myself looking back and bitterly resenting that I only ever had decent sex for a time in my 20s.[/quote]
I think that's completely understandable. He's taking a big part of what makes (most) romantic relationships and refusing to play his part, for want of a better term.

He's also making it very clear that he's not willing to compromise on his own pleasure, and expects you to be amenable to it, but that whether or not you enjoy it is not important to him - that's not loving behaviour.

In your position I would try to have another big talk with him well outside of having sex - not in the vulnerable moments when you're in bed/it's on the cards. Sit him down, tell him he has stopped making you an equal partner in your sex life and how that feels, and that nothing changes when you bring it up. I'd also say that until he can have an open conversation about why he feels your pleasure is no longer important to him, you won't be having sex - I don't think that's manipulative, because... Why would you, what's in it for you? He's just using you as a convenient sex toy.

The problem with this approach is that if you're not willing to leave over this (and I understand completely that it's just not that easy when you've been together forever and have combined lives), then you're just going to end up even more resentful and frustrated if nothing changes yet again because it shows he doesn't listen to what you're saying AND it's not improved.

Given what you've said about him and his defensive he gets about it, I imagine that'll probably be the case.

It's hard, you've got my sympathy. It's easy for me to say, I'd leave rather than spend my life with someone who won't do the bare minimum when asked to change someone that was upsetting their partner and making them feel used. But I don't have the shared history and life you've built together so I can't say for sure I would.

Relationships change OP. You might find he will up his game at a later point when there's no kids around etc. (8 years away though). Why don't you get a sex toy? A wand to stimulate you to orgasm. This will satisfy you and might stimulate him/turn him on. What about lingerie etc? Would that help?

It sounds like you are both resentful of one another which doesn't create a conducive environment for good relationships. I would focus on yourself. You can't force someone to desire you but you can make them more interested.