Would you dump somone who keeps using this phrase?

[GeekyGirl42]

Whenever we make plans, my date will say "ok, let's play it by ear". It drives me bonkers. Not least because these are not easy plans to make - both busy, social distancing daily walk etc. But then I wonder if that's why she says that.

If this was not covid dating, I'd fire a warning shot "To me, play by ear = not interested" and then quickly move on if it didn't change. Hesitating over sending that text though because lockdown.

Am I wrong for seeing this as a brush off?

It depends how busy she is in life, if she has kids to homeschool and a job to do and household tasks, she might have much less time than you. But if your lives are similar, she could be just a person who prefers to go as the mood takes her. I've made plans with my fella, then cancelled them as not up for it at the time, but that is nothing to do with how I feel about him. Just busy working for NHS and I get drained with it, on 3rd wave now, so not surprising. Sometimes, I'll leave plans more open so I feel less bad about changing them, because I can't tell how work is going to affect me by then.
If she doesn't lead a high pressure busy life, she could be trying too hard to play it cool, or indeed be feeling cool about you. Just be open about preferring deffinate plans, see what she says, so many reasons it's pointless to second guess.

It's a brush off 🌺

It sounds reassuring in a way she probably means yes if nothing crops up we'll do that. Maybe?

I’ve used it twice with someone I am talking to about dating. Once for a call and recently for a future walk.

I genuinely want to call/meet but life is so complicated and busy right now and who knows when the rules will change? Does she have kids?

I think in normal times = brush off. Right now benefit of the doubt =cautious of changing situa

She may just be very laid back or may want to look as though she's playing it cool.

I remember you posting before OP - you seem to suffer anxiety that she isn’t as interested as you - wasn’t she always late or something?

Dh used to always say stuff like that when we started dating. I thought he was possibly messing me around or just using me for something to do. Then one night he got hopelessly drunk and was telling me how much he loved me! We also bumped into some of his friends and they said “oh, you’re the girl xxxxx is besotted with”!

He was just playing it mean to keep me keen. The fact she is still meeting up with you suggests she is interested - maybe she just wants to take things slower than you. I would say if you enjoy her company carry on as you are and just chill a bit.

My partner was always the same 'let's see how the days goes' and it drove me mad! We're still together 7 years later and we would be married if it wasn't for this virus ruining our plans.

I persevered and came to realise he's really laid back and that's just who he is.

I'm using that outlook for every social arrangement I make at the moment because who knows when lockdown rules will change, children will/won't go back to school, work will schedule a zoom meeting, one of us will test positive, my elderly parents will ask me to do something for them as a priority.

My fella has always been like this, because he works incredibly long and unpredictable hours (including lots of nights away). He’s like it now, and we live together! It never bothered me, even in the beginning, because the way he acted generally made me confident he liked me.

If this is bothering you OP, I would suggest other things are off in this relationship. How long have you been dating her?

I think you are overreacting

It wouldn't suit me as I don't like being flaked on and prefer not to have my time wasted but others aren't so bothered. This attitude to meeting up either suits you or it doesn't.

A lot of my family are like this. Struggle to commit definitely to plans even though they fully intend to go ahead with them. They are all decent lovely people just laid back and aware of how things might change or things crop up. I push them to commit to things definitely going ahead because I prefer that.

Can you just communicate with her? Just say 'are you definitely wanting to go ahead? When you say play it by ear it makes me wonder if you're giving me the brush off' and see what she says?

I think the problem is that in 4 weeks of lockdown, despite being bubbled in the same village, we have not taken one single walk. My friends are all telling me not to give her any more of my time or attention because I should be dating somone who would really try to find a way to make that happen.

Ah ok given your update it doesn't sound like she is interested. When dating my DH if there was any lawful way for me to have seen him, I would have, and vice versa.

It's hard when you like someone especially in lockdown when there's not a lot else happening but I agree with your mates.

Surely ' play it by ear' means that you are making loose plans, but you will firm them up closer to the time, depending on responsibilities?

I say it all the time ESPECIALLY lately.
I don't think it's a brush off at all

Yes and worse, her response to that in me makes me feel like I'm a little bit crazy. Not on.

To me 'let's play it by ear' is a mutual agreement, when you're trying to make plans but both people are acknowledging that there are some unknowns in the way.

'I'm hoping we can meet up at 4pm but x, y, z are happening today and I'm not sure quite when, or if they'll over-run'. Other person says 'Ok, let's play it by ear'.

One person saying 'I'm keen to do something at 4pm' and the other one saying 'hmm, let's play it by ear' without giving their reason is a brush off / deliberately non-committal response.

You haven't seen her in 4 weeks? You need a better bubble buddy!

Does she have lots of unpredictable commitments, DC, caring for elderly parents etc, that you don't have?

The phrase itself wouldn't bother me as it could mean any number of things, as PPs have said.

But

I think the problem is that in 4 weeks of lockdown, despite being bubbled in the same village, we have not taken one single walk

You're bubbled with her - under current circumstances, that's actually a big commitment as you could be bubbled with someone you actually see instead.

If you've asked her to meet up numerous times and she's not committing and not seeing you, I'd ask her outright why she's not meeting you and explain you're not dumping her but you're going to unbundle from her, assuming you'd have other bubble options.

Might she be worried about Covid? Perhaps she doesn't want to come off as more worried than you - everyone's appetite for mixing and Covid risk is different (and for different reasons).

If there isn't a good reason and this doesn't change pretty promptly, I think it's time to say that you're going to bubble with someone you can rely on (for ordinary friendship and company at the moment).

Maybe you'll be able to see her once lockdown restrictions have eased. Why don't you play that by ear?

I'd say she has slightly more commitments than me, but at the same time much more boundaried job where overtime isn't expected all the time.

She's certainly got enough time for long chats online with me.

No no no, not bubbled with her.

Her bubble live round the corner. She has reason to be in my village. We could meet for a walk.

If I said it , it would be because I don’t really want to go.
It sounds like she might be keeping her options open.
Time to move on if you’re unsure.

She can chat online to you without wasting your bubble.

Maybe she's not so into walking, doesn't feel the need for exercise and the outdoors like you do and doesn't perceive the same clear distinction between online and face to face contact.

Those are definitely reasons to bubble with someone else and might be a reason to dump her as ill-matched.

It's probably a phrase that I overuse

When the weather is a bit unpredictable then I'd prefer not to make firm plans for allowable 'exercise with a plus one' as what I fancy doing and for how long will be weather dependent