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Original poster

Would you dump somone who keeps using this phrase?

62 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 01:48

Whenever we make plans, my date will say "ok, let's play it by ear". It drives me bonkers. Not least because these are not easy plans to make - both busy, social distancing daily walk etc. But then I wonder if that's why she says that.

If this was not covid dating, I'd fire a warning shot "To me, play by ear = not interested" and then quickly move on if it didn't change. Hesitating over sending that text though because lockdown.

Am I wrong for seeing this as a brush off?

OP posts:
prawncocktailpringles · 25/01/2021 08:10

I have come to realise that making specific plans and knowing when things are going to happen is really important to me. I would dump yes. Would also dump anyone who consistently responded to the question "when?" with "later" or "in a bit'

LonginesPrime · 25/01/2021 08:12

She's certainly got enough time for long chats online with me.

Well, it sounds like the situation would probably be different if Covid weren't an issue, then.

She probably just doesn't want to mix outside her bubble - if she's also supporting a family, it's perfectly reasonable to want to minimise your chance of catching covid.

I wouldn't want to meet someone in person for dating atm, even if it was on a socially-distanced basis. Perhaps she's worried she won't be able to keep her hands off you!

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 08:14

She could really do with communicating that with me if this is the case!! There's been zero flirting.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 25/01/2021 08:17

Well, I guess it's all a bit of a weird time.

I'm not sure I'd be very good at flirting over zoom either!

SnuggyBuggy · 25/01/2021 08:17

Honestly as a lower tier friend this might be an OK dynamic but as a partner I'd say the cliche that she's just not that into you.

Puzzlelover · 25/01/2021 08:18

I hate that phrase. It's making me feel uptight just reading this thread. It firmly puts the ball in the other person's court, and leaves you waiting and wondering.
I feel for you OP.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 08:18

To clarify, before lockdown, loads of flirting.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 25/01/2021 08:19

That said, if you're not feeling it, you're not obliged to waste your time chatting to her if it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 08:24

Navigating this lockdown dating limbo feels like a lot to invest in somone who may very well behave this way in more normal times. Given how long we are in this for, I'm starting to feel like I should step back from this.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 25/01/2021 08:30

Yep, it's a difficult one - that's why I've not even attempted to date anyone during lockdown (which I'm staring to realise might also be silly as I could be single for years that way!).

I wouldn't invest too much time in case this is just what she's like, but it doesn't sound like you're exclusive so I'd keep your options open with other people too.

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 08:32

Ha ha..... I had deleted all the apps, and then she said something that made me go "ooh, amber flag, most definitely", so I reinstalled them all. And felt really bad about it. Am chatting to a few now - have never done this before - feels weird!!!

OP posts:
ElectraBlue · 25/01/2021 08:42

Anyone who is regularly fobbing you off like this is simply not interested and does not see you as a priority.

I would take a step back and stop initiating things. This person will either realise that they are losing you and up their games, or they won't notice/care that you are not getting in touch so much and you will know for sure that they simply don't care....

No one is that busy and we make time for the people and things that matter to us, even in a pandemic.

BornIn78 · 25/01/2021 08:47

In this context, and the way she’s using it, coupled with her general disinterest, I think ‘play it by ear’ means (for her) “if I’ve nothing better to do/if I can be arsed on the day”.

Let this one go. Waste of your time and energy.

MMMarmite · 25/01/2021 08:49

Hadn't seen you for 4 weeks despite being in the same village?

Do the two of you have extremely demanding jobs or childcare issues? Is she avoiding seeing anyone at all cos of the covid peak?

If neither of those, then I'm sorry, but that's not how you treat someone you're excited about. Think she's not that bothered and you'd be better off cutting your losses.

Happyone8 · 25/01/2021 08:58

Agree with @ElectraBlue , she’s wasting your time . One of those people who like to chat but never meet , yawn ( there are actually people like this on online dating pre covid)
I’d let her know it’s been nice chatting but you want to meet up face to face and it doesn’t seem to be progressing that way , so you wish her all the best .

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2021 09:07

Were you dating before all the covid lockdowns? And do you know if she's going outside at all?
A friends whole life has shrunk to on line interaction only, great chatting via messenger or zoom but unable to leave due to high anxiety.

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2021 09:12

Ah sorry, the above re the pre covid stuff hadn't loaded for me, so zero flirting, either by messenger or zoom? Sadly sounds a washout. Onwards and upwards for you!

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 09:13

We were and I don't think going out for a walk is a problem - she does that a lot and her job takes her out the house - she really likes that part of it

OP posts:
Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 09:14

Just need to workout whether to tell her to f* off or just step back and see what happens.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/01/2021 09:17

@GeekyGirl42

I think the problem is that in 4 weeks of lockdown, despite being bubbled in the same village, we have not taken one single walk. My friends are all telling me not to give her any more of my time or attention because I should be dating somone who would really try to find a way to make that happen.
I think if you're in a place where you discuss this with all of your friends and also doing threads on here then it's just not working for you OP.

Let it drift and move on.

Lovelydiscusfish · 25/01/2021 09:24

Having read your updates, it sounds like she is stringing you along. I would tell her it’s not working and move on.

Is it meant to be an exclusive relationship - have you had that chat? If not, to be fair you are perfectly within your rights to start chatting to others while seeing what happens with her (and she may of course be doing this too).

partyatthepalace · 25/01/2021 09:29

If she is juggling job at kids at home - fair enough. If not it would indicate a lack of interested to me, but could of course mean she is v keen but playing games a bit (boring).

Anyway I wouldn’t send a text, they are blunt tools, just talk to her next time you see her in person. It’s possible weekday walks are hard right now because daylight is pretty much working hours?

Happyone8 · 25/01/2021 09:44

I would probably you really like her but that you want to meet up and if that’s not going to be possible it’s probably best you go your separate ways .
I agree with pp if you’re having to start threads and getting stressed with it , is it worth it at this early stage

Original poster
GeekyGirl42 · 25/01/2021 09:45

It’s possible weekday walks are hard right now because daylight is pretty much working hours?

Is why I've been patient over most of this. And she's so bad at communicating online that it's caused trouble for her at work. And then there's her anxiety over using the phone.

Ok, can work with all of that. But over 4 weeks it should have been possible for her to do something to show interest except filling my inbox.

OP posts:
SnowedLastNight · 25/01/2021 10:20

OP, I'm in a bubble with my ex boyfriend because we were in a bubble before and we're friends now.

We see each other most weekends and have met up for midweek walks when work allows.

Tbh, I'd read this as a 'not interested' given all of your updates.

When he and I were seeing each other and couldn't meet before bubbles were introduced, we were desperate to meet up. It was really hard. There is no way that either of us would have turned down an opportunity for a walk in the park or whatever. As much as anything, it's a break from WFH and the mundane monotony of life at the moment!

I think the fact you spotted amber flags and reinstalled the apps speaks volumes. I'd probably just back off under these circs and see if your reduced interest sparks her to make more effort - if you're still interested.

I'd always be mindful that someone who wanted to chat a lot online but not meet up was seeing me as 'something to do' rather than being genuinely interested.