Would you dump somone who keeps using this phrase?

[GeekyGirl42]

Whenever we make plans, my date will say "ok, let's play it by ear". It drives me bonkers. Not least because these are not easy plans to make - both busy, social distancing daily walk etc. But then I wonder if that's why she says that.

If this was not covid dating, I'd fire a warning shot "To me, play by ear = not interested" and then quickly move on if it didn't change. Hesitating over sending that text though because lockdown.

Am I wrong for seeing this as a brush off?

i think its one thing if someone says yes we'll meet on Saturday then play it by ear (ie depending on weather/mood/etc you may do walk/cinema/whatever)

But just saying you will play it by ear suggests waiting to see if they can even be bothered to see you at all. So I;d not like that at all.

If there’s no flirting and you’re not seeing each other for weeks at a time and she won’t commit to seeing you at any specific time, I don’t think you’re in a relationship with her. She’s just someone you know.

I always think if they are not making you feel special enough to arrange a date and in lockdown that is a walk, quite a simple arrangement then they are not worth bothering with, surely she can find an hour of daylight in 7 days if she wanted to.
Bad at communicating too, I wouldn't think twice of forgetting her and moving on.

It's not working for you, that is enough. Vague people are not for me either.

I think maybe a few years ago I’d have just detached - based on (hopefully) being a bit older and wiser I’d take more of a “middle way” now?

I used to be fairly rigid about people having to make plans in advance, ticking certain boxes and stages in dating and developing relationships. I think it was a defence mechanism in a way - not wanting to feel like the unpopular rejected child I was growing up!

But I don’t think that inflexible approach necessarily led to great connections.

People have different socialising and communication styles and of course it’s a crazy time for everyone right now.

I had a great walk yesterday with a friend (I met him OD) who time has proved to be a decent type

yet occasionally he’s not replied to messages, when he’s busy and overworked (and same from me) and we’ve had months of not seeing each other. I’m glad I didn’t dismiss him for one busy period!

I think with modern lifestyles if two people have different work routines a month can go by in a flash for some but seem ages for others!

If you liked each other enough to bubble, why not stay in touch without just letting go completely?

but if you want to connect with others (which I think you’re doing anyway) you can do so as well?

Middle way yes. I'm just going to see what she does if I step back a bit and leave all initiation completely to her.

That sounds a good plan - it just seems like you’ve got to a place where you’re quite frustrated with the situation (I would definitely be too btw everyone wants to feel desired).

But if you’re not turning down other options for her, you’re not losing anything by keeping her on your radar.

You might find in a few months time things look very different when lockdown is over, so why waste the connection you’ve built so far?

Yes, dump them and move on. Even if it's not a brush off, do you want to be 10 years into the relationship and possibly married to a person who wants to play everything by ear, so you never make plans, because they can never commit to getting out of bed at a certain time, let alone booking time off for a holiday?

Playing it by ear, in the middle of lockdown, seems entirely reasonable to me. Maybe she isn't really comfortable with meeting up?

I do think that if you're getting this irritated by her turn of phrase at this point in the relationship, perhaps she isn't for you.

If she is going out for walks otherwise and happily circulating though, I would knock it on the head. Might just enjoy having a penpal - some people do.

Maybe she isn't really comfortable with meeting up?

Entirely possible. In which case totally beyond me why she doesn't just call it a day. People can be totally baffling sometimes.

I dated online for a long time and you get them a lot. Sometimes they can be quite OTT too so you don't see it coming. Organise something, bail, rinse and repeat. Convincing excuses, but it keeps happening.

I think some people actually have no intention of meeting anyone. I think they just want someone to talk to and a bit of attention. I suspect some of them are actually involved with other people.

I got on a lot better with it when I stopped pinning all my hopes on one contact and just looked at the site like a big party you need to make your way around, chat to everyone, and see who you click with, rather than just picking one and hoping for that click.

I set up multiple first dates for one weekend, but after I met the first one I cancelled the others. Flakey I know, but you're not actually dating at that point, it's just an introduction. And not much point meeting if you're already interested in someone else. We have 2 kids (and 2 cats) now. And he wasn't what I expected at all, so I would definitely give people a go, even if they don't seem your type.