My husband has told me he isn’t sure he wants to stay married

[cobaltblue27]

We have 3 DC ages 6, 4 and 2, and both been working full-time. The eldest DC is highly functioning autistic and challenging. We’ve had a really rough ride with me also being diagnosed via being on ventilator in coma on ITU with severe autoimmune condition when my DC1 was 1. We’ve been under huge pressure from in-laws to move
up to Scotland from London to take over their estate, while they live there. They are infamously rude and unpleasant.

I haven’t handled things well. I’ve become very resentful as I shoulder most of family childcare and logistics, and I haven’t behaved well. Physical side took a real toll as I just didn’t want to do it any more - minimal sex since we started having the children and really only around conception. I felt he was cold and controlling. We started marriage counselling in Sept but discontinued in Nov as we were always so exhausted and short on time because of children. And now, after a flare-up, I said that I would continue to work at it, to do better, to be a better wife. I know there are loads of things I can do better. And he said he didn’t know whether he wanted to try. That was 48 hours ago. I’ve wept, begged. Totally abased myself and now I just feel humiliated. He says he still doesn’t know. Says he’s going to speak to friends to work out whether the next 15 years will be as bad as the last 5. I don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t stop crying. And who wants to be with a crying humiliated wreck? But I can’t call time and break up my family unit and always wonder whether it was reparable? He said he would do counselling, but I don’t see how a counsellor can make him change his mind. It’s my fault. I drove him away.

I told him I loved him and he just said ‘thank you’. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. All I want to happen is that he will hug me and tell me he loves me and that it will be ok. I’m pathetic.

How has he been as a husband and a father over the last 5-6 years?

Why’s it all your fault? The in laws aren’t your family? That’s his side. That’s his issue to sort out. How much childcare/housework does he actually do? Can you afford to drop a work day so you’ve got more breathing time. If you’ve got 3 kids in full time childcare? Maybe you need to relook at priorities for both of you.

It sounds like he simply hasn't been there for you or his children.
Don't automatically assume it's your fault.

With a "cold and controlling" husband, sex only for conception, a challenging eldest child and a debilitating health condition, why on earth did you go on to have two more children?
It also sounds like he may using this being unsure as a way to get everything on his terms. It is better to be a happy single parent than a miserable married one and it doesn't sound like there is much to salvage.

You sacked off going to counselling in November, your marriage sounds in dire straits, this can’t have come as a really great shock.

He’s offered to go to counselling again, if your marriage stands a chance of being saved you need to at least take up the offer.

I think being tired and unwell has messed with your rationality. As it does us all.
Your DH has nightmare parents and lets you carry all the childcare and family logistics while working full time with a severe autoimmune condition and three DC, one with more challenging than average need.
You should be singing Hosanna and asking on here for recommendations for a SHL since he suggested leaving.
Especially before you'd been uprooted to Scotland away from familiarity and hopefully a support network.
Honestly get as much maintenance and assets as possible from him in the divorce and breathe

It’s not your fault! Marriage takes two. I know it’s hard right now but don’t beg anymore as from my personal experience that’ll lead to more resentment in the future- especially if he goes ahead and files.
TBH, for him to voice it, he wants it over- him saying he doesn’t know is him kicking it down the road. Stay strong and chin up OP.

Try to stop begging. Also try to stop feeling as though it's all your fault. You've both got a lot on your plate. Add covid into the mix (are you all wfh?) and it's a recipe for relationship troubles.

I think that counselling sounds a good idea, but only if you are determined not to shoulder the blame and.promise to change etc without him making the same commitments to you.

Do you think it's the marriage or the situation generally? I read this and see him as pushing back against family situation....
Honestly.. I think you need some time alone to think and sort your head out. Might also make him realise what life is like for you

Did you address the fact you were doing all the hard work, family/child wise, in therapy?

What is he compromising on?
Sounds like he has you in a vulnerable spot now and willing to put up with his lack of effort if he says he does want to try.

Who suggested the councilling last September?

There is nearly always fault on both sides when a marriage breaks down op, it’s seldo one sided.

I’m not really sure why you both decided to keep having kids to be honest. It was obviously a proactive decision.

You’re not happy. It’s clear you’re not happily married. So why are you clinging to stay in it?

Others have put it better than this but he sounds like a dick tbh. You’re only blaming yourself, it doesn’t sound like he is taking any responsibility. You don’t sound happy, I’d just split up.

When we had our first we were really happy. Things got tougher after we moved to our house from my flat when DC1 was a small baby. I had severe PND (associated with my autoimmune condition which was undiagnosed at that time but destroying my adrenal glands) which he struggled with, and then I had very severe anxiety associated with an exceptionally traumatic admission to ITU via a seizure related to the autoimmune condition: not easy for husband to manage. I had two more children because I was told my fertility was likely to be poorer, and we both wanted more children, and so we felt it made sense to get on with it. I can see why others would question why we went ahead.

He started off being a very good father but has really struggled with managing the autism and struggles with depression himself (if you met his parents you would be amazed he is as normal as he is) and so has had anger management issues. I’ve had to do the children-management mostly as a result. I’ve carried on working selfishly perhaps as being a mother has been so hard on me. But I’m coming to the end of my job and have four months before starting another one - I was going to use this time to really focus on trying to get our household being less stressful and to be a better wife.

I am terrified of divorce. I don’t want to be on my own. I also couldn’t bear not having the children with me. I’m just really sad and so upset. When we had tough times in the past he said he was devastated and didn’t want to lose us. Now I think he just wants to go.

Is that the reason you want to stay married op? Even though you’re both unhappy? Because you don’t want to be alone?

Can you cope financially on yout own?

I suggested counselling (on both occasions we’ve done it - once in 2016 and started again in 2020). The one we saw in Sept realised both of us were struggling individually and started with a lot of individual sessions and only a few couples ones thinking we’d build to that. I’ve set up another one for Monday for me. DH said he would do the same. The counsellor knows I’ve been shouldering most of the children logistics.

I could cope financially on my own I think. But I can’t carry on working in the same job. Children need at least one more present parent.

In my experience, weeping, begging are just what he wants.

Really he doesn’t like family life.

And he’s making up his mind whether to ditch it or not.

If you can, just stop playing his game.

Assume he is leaving, and try your best to appear indifferent

He may just switch off any care and affection that you might think he’d have, or normally expect.

As much as you can, start making a note of all finances, moving passports somewhere safe, plan as if he is starting divorce proceedings

There isn’t any affection. He’s been walking right past me when he knows I’m crying.

I think one of the technical terms for this is git

And he is one.

Pointless appealing to him, the only one he will be concerned about is himself.

Look after yourself and children.

And ignore him as best you can

Well that was my experience with someone I lived with..

He sounds as though he's detached.

I'm sorry that sounds awful.

@cobaltblue27

There isn’t any affection. He’s been walking right past me when he knows I’m crying.

In front of him act like a sad depressed shell of a woman, and when he isn't around you need to get your ducks in a row.

When he thinks he "starts" divorce proceedings, you'll have everything you can hit him with ready and waiting.