My husband has told me he isn’t sure he wants to stay married

[cobaltblue27]

We have 3 DC ages 6, 4 and 2, and both been working full-time. The eldest DC is highly functioning autistic and challenging. We’ve had a really rough ride with me also being diagnosed via being on ventilator in coma on ITU with severe autoimmune condition when my DC1 was 1. We’ve been under huge pressure from in-laws to move
up to Scotland from London to take over their estate, while they live there. They are infamously rude and unpleasant.

I haven’t handled things well. I’ve become very resentful as I shoulder most of family childcare and logistics, and I haven’t behaved well. Physical side took a real toll as I just didn’t want to do it any more - minimal sex since we started having the children and really only around conception. I felt he was cold and controlling. We started marriage counselling in Sept but discontinued in Nov as we were always so exhausted and short on time because of children. And now, after a flare-up, I said that I would continue to work at it, to do better, to be a better wife. I know there are loads of things I can do better. And he said he didn’t know whether he wanted to try. That was 48 hours ago. I’ve wept, begged. Totally abased myself and now I just feel humiliated. He says he still doesn’t know. Says he’s going to speak to friends to work out whether the next 15 years will be as bad as the last 5. I don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t stop crying. And who wants to be with a crying humiliated wreck? But I can’t call time and break up my family unit and always wonder whether it was reparable? He said he would do counselling, but I don’t see how a counsellor can make him change his mind. It’s my fault. I drove him away.

@Jobsharenightmare

I sorry OP. Of course you were happy in the beginning. Everyone is, that's why we invest more, get married and have families (mostly). I'm afraid that doesn't mean much now if you both haven't sustained the things that were making your relationship good and worked at it. Sometimes life gets in the way as you say. He seems to be in a more accepting place. I see some PP have called him names. I don't think he needs to be punished, I don't see what's he's done wrong other than (as have you) not handled certain differences and difficulties in the best way (we're all guilty of that surely). He is allowed to call time on the marriage if it doesn't work for him and he believes it can't be improved.

I think you need to be prepared for the end here as others have said.

This is fair to be honest.

Relationships are mostly always ok in the beginning and then many turn to crap when kids come along. Sounds like this one has and it has just gotten to a place where there is no coming back. Do you actually love him or do you just not want to be alone?

I do love him.

The thing is, he’s not saying he wants to call time. I said last night that he can’t stay here at the same time as saying he’s not sure he wants to stay married. It’s killing me and he can see that. I said that unless he could say he wanted to salvage this marriage and would work at it, he needed to go then and there as he couldn’t expect me to carry on trying to homeschool and generally function while feeling like I’m under review and some kind of probation period. It feels like a constant failure. But he said yes he does want to salvage the marriage.

We got the physical side going again relatively recently and very well (there are a lot of reasons why he it hasn’t been working that well, small children, historic porn addiction, hormonal imbalances due to my adrenal condition...as well as more fundamental relationship issues). He tried to initiate things last night and I would have been willing, but I said that for me that was about loving someone, that it was being close to someone and caring about them. It was a special thing, basically. He couldn’t say he loved me and said it was more than lust, that he cared about me, but he couldn’t say he loved me. I stopped as I felt I was prostituting myself. It’s not a great feeling. I thought the point of being married was that you didn’t have to feel like this. It’s like a university relationship again with no security and worrying you’re about to be dumped.

oh op I really feel for you.

You have had so much to contend with in recent years, your health, young children and a husband that sounds like his communication skills are lacking, apart from the fact that it appears his family play such a huge part in the family dynamics.

No wonder you are confused.

You clearly don't feel safe... and this can have a huge effect on your Addisons, and you know the Addisons can have a huge effect on your mental health. Someone I knew well had this and had awful periods of depression, paranoia and agoraphobia terrible disease, he was older than you, it affects you in so many ways.
You work, you have young children, I personally think you are coping brilliantly considering everthing you have on your plate.

He needs to be told discussing your marital problems at work is not helping matters in fact I find it deceitful. His efforts to scare you into changing are cruel, his methods are childish, threatening divorce is not acceptable to get his own way.
It doesn't sound as though he is intellegent enough to understand he is hurting you, to adopt the 'if you don't pull your socks up X will happen approach' is going to backfire on him every time.

At the moment there is no logical reasoning with him and further discussions will only increase your fear of the situation and you know this harms your health. Ask him directly, do you want to separate?, do you want a divorce?.
You seem to have reached an impass, with no progress.
Go back to councelling explain his indecision is instiliing fear in you and that is affecting your health.
It sounds like a vicious circle.

You and your husband have both had a really difficult time - I think an awful lot of relationships would be struggling in the same circumstances.

Good for you for not just going along with sex to please him. I'd be furious with him if I were you, sounds like he's all "me me me" with no thought about the impact on you.