My husband has told me he isn’t sure he wants to stay married

[cobaltblue27]

We have 3 DC ages 6, 4 and 2, and both been working full-time. The eldest DC is highly functioning autistic and challenging. We’ve had a really rough ride with me also being diagnosed via being on ventilator in coma on ITU with severe autoimmune condition when my DC1 was 1. We’ve been under huge pressure from in-laws to move
up to Scotland from London to take over their estate, while they live there. They are infamously rude and unpleasant.

I haven’t handled things well. I’ve become very resentful as I shoulder most of family childcare and logistics, and I haven’t behaved well. Physical side took a real toll as I just didn’t want to do it any more - minimal sex since we started having the children and really only around conception. I felt he was cold and controlling. We started marriage counselling in Sept but discontinued in Nov as we were always so exhausted and short on time because of children. And now, after a flare-up, I said that I would continue to work at it, to do better, to be a better wife. I know there are loads of things I can do better. And he said he didn’t know whether he wanted to try. That was 48 hours ago. I’ve wept, begged. Totally abased myself and now I just feel humiliated. He says he still doesn’t know. Says he’s going to speak to friends to work out whether the next 15 years will be as bad as the last 5. I don’t know what to do with myself. Can’t stop crying. And who wants to be with a crying humiliated wreck? But I can’t call time and break up my family unit and always wonder whether it was reparable? He said he would do counselling, but I don’t see how a counsellor can make him change his mind. It’s my fault. I drove him away.

Don’t make work changes.

if you needed to, you could get childcare help somehow,

Look for something like that, or ask family if available, or find a childminder

I honestly think the best way to approach this type of person, is to live your life as if they don’t exist.

He has some cheek, discussing your life with friends.

Don’t get too upset, if there’s someone unexpected, helping him make up his mind too

I would start taking photos of his financial documents, in case after talking to his friends he decides to leave and takes all the paperwork with him.

It all sounds very sad but I don't think it can be all your fault? Marriages do break down under strain and you've both had a lot to cope with. I'm not really getting a sense that you want to be with him because you love him though, more that you don't want the upheaval of a divorce? Perhaps it's best to think about that more coolly - maybe it would end up better for you? For one reason and another you (both) have not been making each other happy for quite some time.

Maybe you should say that you're not sure you want to stay married either - and that you'll be leaving the kids with him.
Funny how men (especially the ones with challenging children) always assume they'll be reverting to single life give or take the odd weekend!

Don't ever beg - always hold your nerve.
He knows he has the total upper-hand now.
You need to regain some control so that he starts to respect you.

Toxic in laws and him not being warm and caring towards you seem like a disaster waiting to happen , even worse than what you are going through now ...I can envisage a number of scenarios where you end up blamed and controlled and isolated...but I can also see you succeeding with professional support to bring up.your family and have a job and be fine with or without him . Stop begging and try and look towards becoming independent of him ..that doesnt mean being without him , and see if you can get a nanny or support with the children in the meantime .

Op don’t play games, and yes stop begging. And yes sort the financials out, inc child maintenance.

I think you need an open conversation together. Neither of you are happy. Nothing you say is about loving him. It’s about being alone the kids, but nothing about you and him as a couple.

That’s very telling. So you need to both be pragmatic and try to talk to one another, even if that’s in front of a counsellor.

I think the first thing you need to do - if there is any chance of saving it (which there may not be) is take a break from work and try and sort yourself out. I'd imagine you would get signed off for stress at the moment....Or take some holiday.

You (and he) will not manage to sort this out with 3 kids and 2 full time jobs.

...but don't give up your job - you may need it if you split.

@BornIn78

You sacked off going to counselling in November, your marriage sounds in dire straits, this can’t have come as a really great shock.

He’s offered to go to counselling again, if your marriage stands a chance of being saved you need to at least take up the offer.

Exactly this. OP @cobaltblue27 it sounds like you let other things in your life take priorty over your marriage for a long while now so he's been discouraged from trying. Things must be challenging looking after an autistic child but your marriage is the bedrock of family life so it doesn't make sense to have neglected that. You need to prioritise counselling and getting sex life back on track. Otherwise it's just a vicious cycle of discontentment. He almost certainly feels detached because sex and couple life has gone to pot. Sex is a really important part of helping keep spouses bonded with each other. You can't expect things to change unless you change them. Hopefully counselling will enable you both to commit to new actions and to stick to them.

I agree with previous poster to get signed off sick from work with stress. You're being overwhelmed by demands on your time with children, marriage that needs work, and also a job! You need some time for your own self care too otherwise you'll go mad.

Please get rid of the notion that you were selfish to work. Some people make terrific SAHPs; many don’t. SAHPs and working parents bring different qualities to parenting, all of which are valuable. Do you think your H is selfish to work? Of course not. So neither are you.

More importantly - of course this isn’t all on you. You’ve all been through an extremely challenging 6 years - I think most couples would have struggled hugely with the circumstances you describe. Like some men (fewer women do this), he for some reason thinks that he can treat parenting as optional and walk away from it. As a PP said, he may assume he will be doing very part-time parenting from here on in. Please make sure he does his fair share.

Stop begging. This is NOT all on you. Indeed I would say it’s pointless blaming anyone. Stop acting like this is all your fault because (a) it isn’t and (b) you don’t want him to absorb the message that it is.

Also he assumes this is all on his terms now and he calls all the shots and you taking all the blame plays into that narrative.

Take back some power. You can let him know that you would prefer to remain married but, since he appears to see no way forward for your marriage, you would like to start planning for the separation. Or just start planning. Take legal advice and start making your own preparations. Put on a cool front. Make him understand you will go it alone if necessary - he may or may not change his mind but it might help him to realise that he might subsequently regret having caused this horse to bolt.

I am terrified of divorce. I don’t want to be on my own. I also couldn’t bear not having the children with me.
Well you have a husband, so he won't get to see the DCs if you split cos they must be with you??
Honestly, if you separate, the couple of days he has the DCs in a week is a chance for you to gather your wits, do your own thing.
If you take the above attitude you will wear yourself out, deprive the DCs of seeing their father. How can that be good for them, or him.

A couple of PPs have suggested this is on you for letting sex slide. I disagree. As you say, you may well have been more inclined to be sexually active if he had taken more of the load day to day. Perhaps you should have offered more intimacy but he should have stepped up more. This is why I think the blame game is a waste of time. Nobody’s perfect, we all get a lot wrong as well as right; your family has really been through the mill and it looks like your relationship may be the casualty. So again, I say, please stop blaming yourself for this.

I've been in your shoes, in fact I could have written your post right down to the illness part, child rearing & nightmare inlaws. I behaved the same way as you are & was petrified of doing it all alone. I debased myself in ways I can't bear to say.

2 years later he just left. I've been a single full time working ever since - it is not as scary as it sounds. If I had the chance to do the end again, I would not take responsibility and I would not have begged. The moment my ex announced he didn't think he wanted to be married any longer, I would say: OK I understand and moved on to the practical aspects of separating. If reconciliation became a possibility, I would have likely given it my best shot but not relied upon it.

By taking responsibility, apologizing and begging you are absolving him of taking any responsibility. It takes 2 to tango. This is not YOUR fault. For now, pls try to alleviate some of the pressure to get some rest - get childcare, reduce your working hours temporarily (not permanently), and expect him to step up. Once you've had a bit of rest, get practical. Get your finances in order, make preparations for how you will manage etc.

I'm sorry OP. To be honest it sounds like neither of you have been happy for a long time and he is trying to tell you that he doesn't want to keep going any more. I can see why he would be thinking it can't be repaired, you've already had counselling and didn't make enough or lasting changes....so maybe this is sadly for the best.

I hope you have some support and can talk to friends or family. This is such a painful thing to go through. I imagine he is really suffering too.

Really excellent advice above.

He's a piece of work.

This is NOT all on you.

You have three very young children a FT job and a husband who does little.

Get copies of your finances.

Stop crying and begging.

He's some twat to say he going to canvas opinions 🙄.

Keep your job at all cost and I hope he plans on having the children 50% of the time or is he thinking of buggering off to Scotland.

What a prick.
Get support IRL urgently.

A few things I wonder:

Do you have Addison’s disease? Just wondering and thinking about what support is available to you to manage your health?

Do you think that either your DH or you could be on the ASD spectrum? Could this be an additional complicating factor in your relationship? Not an excuse for bad behaviour but an additional factor to consider perhaps?

It sounds as if you’ve had an exceptionally stressful few years. Thinking about family life as a whole, how could this be less stressful for you all? Would some sort of wholesale re-evaluation of your lifestyles be helpful? I DO NOT assume that the outcome here is for you to reduce your working hours, it may be buying in additional help, taking more time for/money for hobbies, moving house.

It sounds as if your husband is carrying baggage from his childhood, are you? Do you need therapy to address this?

What are the issues re your in laws? What is your DH’s approach to these?

Sorry you are having such a rough time OP.

But take a breath. This doesn’t sound like a great marriage - I’m not saying you have to actively want it to end, but it doesn’t sound like it would make your life a whole bunch worse if it did. Your children would be fine..

Have joint counselling by all means, good to talk it through, but to me it sounds like your DH is out. So - sorry to be hard - stop working yourself up, set up calls with a few good solicitors tomorrow. Figure out how money and child care will work - make sure you get a fair share of money and your DH pulls his weight.

Then maybe get some counselling yourself and plan the next 5 years - at least you won’t have to live on a cold Scottish estate within even colder in laws...

Yes I have Addison’s disease. Diagnosed via severe crisis through hyponatraemia, swelling on brain, seizure and double respiratory failure when my son was one. I was told if I wanted to have children I needed to get on with it. Frankly and entirely irrationally, when one has such a brutal reminder that one’s mere existence could turn on a sixpence I felt a sense of urgency to have children if I could. For the record my depression immediately lifted once starting steroid replacement and thyroxine for my thyroid (which also gave up at the same time). I mention this if only to suggest it’s been quite difficult to unravel what the root cause of the unhappiness is, as there has been a lot going on. I love my second son and my daughter more than words can say (as well as my DS1), and so does DH. I don’t regret having them and am determined to give them the happiest life we can. But I understand everyone who has questioned, with the cold and wise light of perspective, why we had them.

Yes. My DH is definitely autistic, and very depressed with it. If I’m autistic it’s not as obvious as I’m much more emotional and communicative but it is harder to diagnose in women. I was anorexic through school and very unpopular/socially awkward as well as being very academic, so could be on the spectrum.

My husband has booked a session with the counsellor tomorrow afternoon and is taking the day off to focus on himself and us. I am going to speak to counsellor tomorrow evening. He told me that four days ago he received a bullying email from his parents about the estate. He hasn’t been good at communicating what is going on behind the scenes. His sister is incredibly spoiled and is asking for him to pay for another house for her....he has been bullied by his parents from a very young age.

I probably am being stupid. It hasn’t been happy. But we were very happy when we got together. We have totally got the priorities wrong, both of us. I recognise all this.

"Friends at work"?

There a woman he's talking to at work by any chance?

Might I suggest that he prints out this bullying email from his parents and the demand from his sister, so he can tell the counsellor all about it. That is the sort of stuff they need to know, so they can understand what he is dealing with, regarding his family dynamic.

It might be a good idea for you to do the same when you have your appointment.

Just on the physical stuff: it hasn’t all been one-sided. My DH suffered terribly with a porn addiction for years before going out with me. He rejected me very early on in our relationship. I found it devastating and he saw a therapist about it. But it’s not as straightforward as me just rejecting him or vice versa. And the PP was right, if I felt more appreciated and supported during the day maybe things would have been easier. In any case, I get it. That it’s fundamental and needs to get better.

Sounds like you have so much going, is there any way to say, yes it's been shit and you don't know what's going to happen, but at least try and open a dialogue. Individual counselling is helpful as well as couple. Don't assume this is the end and catastrophise, however hard this may seem just now.

I sorry OP. Of course you were happy in the beginning. Everyone is, that's why we invest more, get married and have families (mostly). I'm afraid that doesn't mean much now if you both haven't sustained the things that were making your relationship good and worked at it. Sometimes life gets in the way as you say. He seems to be in a more accepting place. I see some PP have called him names. I don't think he needs to be punished, I don't see what's he's done wrong other than (as have you) not handled certain differences and difficulties in the best way (we're all guilty of that surely). He is allowed to call time on the marriage if it doesn't work for him and he believes it can't be improved.

I think you need to be prepared for the end here as others have said.