If a family pet died, how would your DP react?

[SassenachWitch]

I found my 7.5 year old rabbit dead this afternoon, it was a real shock as he’s been perfectly fine, still eating, drinking, pooing and was fine the last time I saw him pottering around a few hours before.

When I called from the garden into the open patio door, which P was sitting by, to say, oh my god he’s dead, my partner decided to ball n shout at me, what do you mean he’s dead? Don’t just say he’s dead without picking him up etc and afterwards when I was crying and I said “how could this have happened” he starts shouting again how the fuck should be know!!

I can appreciate that P isn’t heartbroken, fair enough, but I am. Am I wrong to expect a bit of empathy or sympathy?

No cuddle, no arm rub, I’ve sat crying to myself without him even attempting to comfort me.

This isn’t new behaviour. When my Nan died he didn’t comfort me. He’s never there for me, or so it feels.

I’m just curious as to whether I’m expecting too much from him.

He's a prick. He reacted the same when your nan died as when your rabbit died... no comfort, no compassion. Why are you with someone so unkind?

Sorry about your bun, mine was 10 when she passed away and she was my best little mate - I was a state when it happened

When our ddog died my dh was distraught... Our rabbit he wasn't at all. But he was supportive that me and dc were upset.. If your dp has form for not being supportive I would reconsider your relationship..
When my dgm died my now exh asked me to get petrol money off her dd for the visiting I had done when she was ill...
Exh...

Why do you think you're expecting too much of him?

Is it normal to you that men who are supposed to love you shout at you or ignore you when you're upset or grieving?

Sorry about your bunny, and your nan

DD's mini lop bunny died last year and DP was probably the most upset, we had a cuddle and a cry in the kitchen away from the kids. He then went and dug a hole, got together a box of the bunny's favourite things and we all said goodbye. So no OP, you're not expecting too much. He should be there to comfort and support you when things like this happen, isn't that part of loving and being with someone? I don't know you but would offer a hug if I saw you were upset. If a stranger can do that then surely your partner can. I'm so sorry for your loss. xox

Sorry about your rabbit. Your p sounds horrible, totally lacking in empathy and compassion. I’d get rid of him, what a miserable person to share your life with, you deserve better.

Our guinea pig died last year, he was 7. My dh had gone to give him his dinner and came back in and gave me a look, didn’t want to mention it in front of the kids. I was upset, he was too. We told ds the next morning, ds wanted to have a funeral and dh organised it and said a few words as I couldn’t manage it. He was great.

My nan died years ago when I was travelling overseas with a bf, he couldn’t care less, I just found out from my parents over the phone and went to have a sit down. He just moaned that I wasn’t getting dinner ready and kept asking what was up even though I’d told him my nan had just died!! Annoyingly though I’d sat up half the night comforting him a few weeks before because his cat had died. I split up with him after that. Selfish twat.

I'm sorry. That sounds really distressing.

You're not expecting enough if anything.

That isn't how somebody who loves you and cares about you would behave.

Sorry about your rabbit and your Nan. He sounds not nice, to be honest.

The only time I have seen my DH cry was when he had to have his dog put to sleep. He went and got absolutely plastered and cried his eyes out.

I had several miscarriages and he never shed a tear. But he was supportive to me throughout them. I think he thought he had to be strong for my sake, whereas I wasn't that bothered by the dog.

(It was his dog, didn't like me and although I was sorry it was elderly and ill)

We’ve had a huge argument now as I’m sick of living with a cold hearted bastard. I know it’s not normal. I’ve always known he’s cold n lacks empathy but I’m usually strong enough to deal with things. But to be shouted at when I’m grieving. He thinks I’m a wimp for not making 100% sure the rabbit was dead. I knew, he was flopped over and not moving, gave him a nudge and he didn’t respond. I knew before I blurted out that he was dead!!

I feel awful now because my bunny hasn’t been buried, P is sulking in the living room, so he won’t be digging a hole tonight. And I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t handle his body.

I’m going to call a pet cremation service in the morning.

What a shit day this is!

@category12 no it’s not normally what I’d expect. But after 10 years together he’s gradually worn me down into expecting pretty much nothing from him.

Perhaps time to stop accepting so little and call it quits. If your partner isn't able to show a basic level of emotional support and care for you, what's the point?

@category12 you’re right.

I have actually asked him to leave today, I’ve told him as far as I’m concerned we’re done and he needs to go. He’s still here though.

I can understand if someone doesn't feel the same emotions when a pet dies, or even a person. If it was just that he didn't feel upset about it fair enough, bit why was he shouting at you? That's a odd reaction!

I’m sorry about your nan and the rabbit.
My DH doesn’t love DDog the way I do, but he would understand that I was upset and give me a hug/comfort me etc. My DH is quite unemotional and can be cold at times, or appear that way to others. I’m the only one that really sees him get annoyed or upset.

Your other half sounds selfish and horrid. You deserve better.

My ex was like this. Cold hearted, lacking in empathy and sympathy. When I was sick he acted as if making me tea and toast was a burden. When my pup died he didn’t come over to comfort me, yet one of my friends cut her trip short to see me. Whenever I was sick or had an injury he showed no concern, sympathy or interest. I thought about how little support he would be as we got older and or come down with a major illness and I know he would never be there for me. And I realized I’d rather be alone than with someone so cold hearted as he was so that’s one of many reasons he’s my ex.

Stand firm op.. Believe me even the most ground down can find strength...
Leaving my ex was well overdue. Think of it as your bunny doing some good in it's death. Giving you the chance of a better life.
You deserve one.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I’ll try and explain how he reacts, so for example I hate moths so if one flies at my head, I’ll say Oh my god a moth n run off, I’m honestly not dramatic, but I’m petrified of them. He’ll shout “FFS it’s just a moth” not to me it’s not.

I’m not a fan of spiders, so I’ll ask him to remove them, his response again is FFS it’s just a spider.

So today I said oh my god he’s dead and his response was to shout at me. It’s the way he reacts every time. And I promise I’m not being a raving lunatic, screaming n shouting about moths or the rabbit being dead. He just has this sudden shouty angry response to me. Like me being upset or frightened irritates him massively.

But ask anyone who knows him, and he’s not an angry man.....

I'm sorry your rabbit has died.

My husband was even more upset than I was when our dog died - he died in my husband's arms. I was the more upset when one of our cats died a few years earlier, but he'd been my cat since before I met my husband so that was understandable. My husband was supportive, sympathised, helped with arrangements and so on.

There's no doubt your partner should be kind and supportive even if he isn't personally upset by the loss. I would expect him to sympathise and support you with arrangements for burying or cremating your pet, as a minimum.

You deserve better than this.

@sunnyzweibrucken

I’ve recently been thinking something similar, as I’ve had a few health problems recently, possibly rheumatoid arthritis, and he has done absolutely nothing to help out, he’ll happily sit back watching me run around like a headless chicken after everyone. Yet when he broke his ankle playing football I waited on him like a bloody 24 hour carer!

I’m angry. With myself mainly. I used to be so strong, I left my exh (children’s dad) for a lot less. In fact P makes exh look like a bloody saint!!!

You'll be so much happier without him.

[quote SassenachWitch]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I’ll try and explain how he reacts, so for example I hate moths so if one flies at my head, I’ll say Oh my god a moth n run off, I’m honestly not dramatic, but I’m petrified of them. He’ll shout “FFS it’s just a moth” not to me it’s not.

I’m not a fan of spiders, so I’ll ask him to remove them, his response again is FFS it’s just a spider.

So today I said oh my god he’s dead and his response was to shout at me. It’s the way he reacts every time. And I promise I’m not being a raving lunatic, screaming n shouting about moths or the rabbit being dead. He just has this sudden shouty angry response to me. Like me being upset or frightened irritates him massively.

But ask anyone who knows him, and he’s not an angry man.....[/quote]
I wasn't disbelieving you OP. It's just such an odd and horrible way to react to someone who's upset.
I don't think j would put up with it for any longer.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I know you weren’t, I just wanted to try and explain how he reacts. I’ve questioned whether I’m a drama queen over the moth phobia, simply because of the way he responds to me.

I don’t think he likes me very much tbh, he’s never nice to me, asks my opinion then argues why mine is wrong, never congratulated me on any achievement, but when I put this to him he denies it. I’ve asked him to leave so many times but he never does.

If I had anywhere to go tonight I’d leave him. But I can’t take my cat anywhere and I don’t want to leave her with him.

@Santaiscovidfree I hope I can find the strength. I’d rather he leave but perhaps I should be the one to go.

It sounds like you basically left one say grade 8 shitty man for another of a lesser but simila type to your ex. This scenario is not that uncommon sadly. Your boundaries here, already mashed by your ex , are further being mashed by this individual. The Freedom programme for your own self going forward is a must do.

What is the situation re the property?.

Do not remain with such a man merely because you cannot leave with your cat. There must be some organisation who can help you look after your cat till you are back on you feet (cats protection league may be able to assist ).

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that perhaps one or two people you know have their own private based suspicious about him. The description street angel house devil could well be applied to this man now.