If a family pet died, how would your DP react?

[SassenachWitch]

I found my 7.5 year old rabbit dead this afternoon, it was a real shock as he’s been perfectly fine, still eating, drinking, pooing and was fine the last time I saw him pottering around a few hours before.

When I called from the garden into the open patio door, which P was sitting by, to say, oh my god he’s dead, my partner decided to ball n shout at me, what do you mean he’s dead? Don’t just say he’s dead without picking him up etc and afterwards when I was crying and I said “how could this have happened” he starts shouting again how the fuck should be know!!

I can appreciate that P isn’t heartbroken, fair enough, but I am. Am I wrong to expect a bit of empathy or sympathy?

No cuddle, no arm rub, I’ve sat crying to myself without him even attempting to comfort me.

This isn’t new behaviour. When my Nan died he didn’t comfort me. He’s never there for me, or so it feels.

I’m just curious as to whether I’m expecting too much from him.

I would look into getting his name off the tenancy agreement particularly if you can take on the tenancy yourself. It may be worth speaking to a Solicitor about the legalities in the event of separation, you need to be armed yourself with knowledge here (and that also is power). I would also urge you to talk to Womens Aid as a matter of priority.

He was never going to sit in front of a counsellor because that person would have called him an abuser. Joint counselling as well with such a man would have been a non starter here and in any event is not recommended. You would never have been safe enough in such sessions and he would never have co-operated.

He is an abusive man who is not ever going to let go of you at all easily; I would ask the solicitor about non molestation or occupation orders.

Re your place of employment how closely does he work with you, is he more senior than you are?. Keep your job there regardless.

Your recovery from his abuses of you has not started and will not until you get this man out of your day to day lives. Abuse like this is truly insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares.

I am also wondering if you are codependent when it comes to relationships and would urge you to read about this to see how much if any reflects in your behaviour.

@AttilaTheMeerkat luckily I’m a director of the business, have worked there for a long time, he’s been with us less than a year, so I’ll definitely be keeping my job.

We found a mama cat and her two newborns in a box In the garden last year. We took them in. One little one didn't thrive and died. I caught dh trying to warm it between his hands and giving it m2m. We had a funeral and planted a flower. Even if it's not your pet and you are not attached, if it is in your care and someone else has an attachment the least you can do is have empathy for the person you are supposed to love even if you can't stretch to an animal.

My business has collapsed because of COVID and my DC teen is rude and unkind to me every day - treating me badly, mind games etc. My OH has not once shown any empathy or sympathy for either and blames me for DC’s behaviour. If I offer either of them any sympathy or concern (eg if unwell) I am brushed off and it clearly really irritates them. It’s a lonely life. But ... it is hard to leave and I keep hoping things will get better, and trying to make my OH understand. It’s been really interesting reading the support upthread for OP. Made me think about my own situation. Good luck OP! You do deserve better.

@ZebedeeStan it really is a lonely life. It also makes you question yourself, am I too soppy? Am I a drama queen? Am I a wimp?

The answer is no, offering sympathy and support to a loved one doesn’t make you weak.

And I agree, it really is hard to leave, in my case I’ve been waiting for him to open up, hoping one day he’ll let the mask slip, because I’ve convinced myself that there’s a loving man underneath his tough exterior. But yesterday has proved to me that there isn’t, this is who he is, he just doesn’t have the basic emotional feelings that most people have.

Good luck to you too.

There is NO loving man underneath his tough exterior and you went from one abusive type to yet another one. He is also not a good example of a dad to be showing your DDs; how would you feel if one or even both of them lived with someone just like him?. You've been showing them that to date at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level. Some abusive types really do like strong women (and you being at director level made you v attractive to him) and he saw you as an additional challenge to take down with him. He now has you doubting your own self and walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

It is not easy to leave but its a damn sight harder to stay with someone like this man, a man who has shown you no empathy and or support re the loss of a much loved pet rabbit.

I cry too when it gets too much and that does me no favours. I have to try not to. They look at me as though I’m very strange.

My ex was like this. On the day I found out my best friend was terminally ill, rather than showing kindness and cuddles, he moaned about how he had sore legs then shouted at me in the middle of a cafe. The inability to empathise - while simultaneously suggested it's you who's overreacting - is a classic narc trait. Like you, I also thought it'd pass and his true caring side would come out, but eventually I realised he didn't have one.

Hopefully I've attached a pic that sums it up perfectly. A lovely man that I'm seeing sent it to me, in recognition of my past with my arsehole ex. Good luck x

Zebedee

Is your teen copying your other half's behaviours; what has that young person learnt about relationships to date?. Your OH has shown this person that it is ok in their eyes to disrespect you and that is wholly unacceptable.

Do not ever hope that such a man like your supposed OH (he is absolutely not this) to change; you can waste further years hoping for he to have some epiphany that never happens. Do not waste your life on such a man.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

There is NO loving man underneath his tough exterior and you went from one abusive type to yet another one. He is also not a good example of a dad to be showing your DDs; how would you feel if one or even both of them lived with someone just like him?. You've been showing them that to date at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level. Some abusive types really do like strong women (and you being at director level made you v attractive to him) and he saw you as an additional challenge to take down with him. He now has you doubting your own self and walking on eggshells aka living in fear.

The better I do in life, the worse he is, when we met I was recently separated and had been a SAHM for a few months, I’d always worked before but when exh left, I decided to stay home with the DC, who were only little. He treated me like a queen for the first 2 years, in fact he pushed for the relationship in the first place, I wasn’t looking or ready but he pursued me relentlessly, was loving, thoughtful, attentive, and also showered me with gifts and weekends away, that I just couldn’t afford at that point in my life. I see now, that it was all part of the plan. I was suckered right in!!!

6 months into our relationship I went back to work, and I’ve worked my way up, whereas he has gone down on the career ladder (Covid redundancies, loss of company car, 10k salary drop) and quite frankly he appears jealous and bitter.

I feel like he resents me and you know what I resent him too. We don’t even like each other. What a frigging waste of my life. And this is why I’ve been reluctant to throw the towel in, I don’t want to have wasted 10 years for it to fail.

@coleslawsuzy brilliant meme!

He does this to his mother too. She’s getting on a bit so comes out with silly things or leaves her handbag in a shop, and he’ll raise his voice and tell her off.

In fact he’s always done it to his mother, whereas with me, I’d say it’s only been a few years since it started.

Google the sunk cost fallacy.

Better than have online wasted the last ten years than waste the next ten as well by trying to prove otherwise in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Attila
I think they are very similar. Teen likes to rule the roost (don’t they all) and uses control to keep me low, but OH supports him and doesn’t understand when I get v upset at constant bad treatment. Sorry OP - don’t want to muscle in on your thread but I recognise something in your sad bunny tale. X

The way a man treats his mother always speaks volumes about him I feel.

Good luck with splitting up. If he doesn't go I'd be looking for a rental elsewhere asap.

Sassenach

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs and that also applies to relationships as well as business. It also causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!.

Do not further enter into a neglectful relationship with your own self.

OP, he won't change because you want him to, he'll only change if he wants to and from what I have read so far, he lacks the empathy to see that this is neccesairy.
You'll do much better on your own then in the miserabele company of this man.

My parents are like this. I was made to feel ridiculous when a pet died even when I was distraught and they have often said about my current lovely cat - why don't you have that awful old animal put down. She's old, just like them. I wonder how they would react to the comment that they should be put down?
I've given up with them now, they feel nothing for animals and just don't care so it's pointless expecting them to be sympathetic or to understand.

And this is why I’ve been reluctant to throw the towel in, I don’t want to have wasted 10 years for it to fail

.. and a couple of years down the line you'd be able to say you've wasted 12 years, 15 years, 20 years etc etc.

When you're at the point of not liking each other, it's way past salvage.

My DC guinea pig died recently, my DH isn’t sentimental and disposed of him for us, I wasn’t particularly upset but I know if I was he would have comforted me.

Only time I've ever seen rufty tufty DH cry was when our cats have had to be PTS.

Your 'D'P obviously isn't at all bothered about your feelings and emotions. Bin him - don't waste another day of your life on him. Bet your cat is more in tune with your feelings than he is.

Well I’ve just dropped the rabbit off to be cremated, I’m planning on spending the day licking my wounds and then I’ll deal with dickhead. I can’t face it today.

@reprehensibleme

Only time I've ever seen rufty tufty DH cry was when our cats have had to be PTS.

Your 'D'P obviously isn't at all bothered about your feelings and emotions. Bin him - don't waste another day of your life on him. Bet your cat is more in tune with your feelings than he is.

My cat is amazing, and you’re right she is more in tune than him.

I didn’t expect him to be upset, but how you can stand across the room from someone you supposedly love and not comfort them in their grief is alien to me. He didn’t have to agree with my upset, just an arm rub would’ve done.

Even when I questioned why he’d shouted at me, rather than apologise, say sorry it was a shock to me too, he spent 20 mins justifying him bollocking me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to say (from experience) how brave and clear headed you're being OP. You can do this.

Pp are correct that Cats Protection should be able to help with emergency foster care for DCat. Your vet may also know someone/be able to help.

And no, your 'D'P's reaction is not normal. Not by a long way.