If a family pet died, how would your DP react?

[SassenachWitch]

I found my 7.5 year old rabbit dead this afternoon, it was a real shock as he’s been perfectly fine, still eating, drinking, pooing and was fine the last time I saw him pottering around a few hours before.

When I called from the garden into the open patio door, which P was sitting by, to say, oh my god he’s dead, my partner decided to ball n shout at me, what do you mean he’s dead? Don’t just say he’s dead without picking him up etc and afterwards when I was crying and I said “how could this have happened” he starts shouting again how the fuck should be know!!

I can appreciate that P isn’t heartbroken, fair enough, but I am. Am I wrong to expect a bit of empathy or sympathy?

No cuddle, no arm rub, I’ve sat crying to myself without him even attempting to comfort me.

This isn’t new behaviour. When my Nan died he didn’t comfort me. He’s never there for me, or so it feels.

I’m just curious as to whether I’m expecting too much from him.

When my Mums rabbit died, my Dad (a guy who is very awkward around emotions) held her in his arms as she sobbed. Then he dug a hole and helped bury her.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Funnily enough my exh was the complete opposite emotionally speaking, always loving, supportive, compassionate, empathetic, shame he was a secret raging coke head

I just meant leaving for tonight to cool down and not wanting to trust him to look after the cat.

We rent, but it’s long-term, we’re 8 years in so this really is our home, I’d hate to leave. But I can. Luckily I’m financially independent, we’ve always split 50/50 and with a few cutbacks I could stay here with my DD’s.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

My best friend hates him, she’s been saying for years that he’s wearing me down.

She is right. Your ex wore you down too but you got shot of him and for far less. This man will continue to wear you down as long as you remain with him.

Is the rental agreement in joint names?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Is the rental agreement in joint names?.

Yes it is.

This man is also no example to your daughters. Would you want either of them as adults to be in a relationship like yours is now?. No you would not but currently at least you are showing them that this relationship is still acceptable to you.

You can get your cat fostered when you leave this man. Cats Protection might be able to help

www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/paws-protect

Good luck 🤞

Ok, can you get him off the rental agreement, have you looked into how you could do this?.

Whenever I ask him to leave his response is ‘no, you go’
It would be much easier for him, he’s not originally from around here, he has no ties, this is my girls home!

Oh another big thing to mention, he works at the same place as me

@AttilaTheMeerkat

This man is also no example to your daughters. Would you want either of them as adults to be in a relationship like yours is now?. No you would not but currently at least you are showing them that this relationship is still acceptable to you.

Luckily they haven’t witnessed today’s behaviour, they’re with their Dad, and I make sure we never fall out in front of the kids. But they’re teenagers, they’re not stupid, so you make a fair point.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Ok, can you get him off the rental agreement, have you looked into how you could do this?.

I haven’t looked into it.

We’ve been very good tenants, always paid rent on time, and spent thousands on improvements, I’m just not sure of the legalities.

My ex husband showed no feeling when my dog died, we'd lived together with said dog for nearly 10 years. Oldest children was distraught and cried on and off for 2 years afterwards, they were best friends. He was equally unsympathetic when my much loved grandma died. He was crap with any kind of feeling and it played a big part in our separation and divorce.

My husband would be absolutely heartbroken if our dog died, as much as I would be I expect. But even if he wasn’t so attached to the dog, and it was ‘just’ a pet of mine he wasn’t very fond of, he would still be kind and comforting and deal with it so I didn’t need to upset myself more.
I had my horse shot when my husband and I had only just started seeing each other. Horse was old and arthritic, and he was also my baby. I was devastated. Husband had never met him but he stayed up with me cuddling me while I cried.
Your partner does not sound like a kind man. You’ll be happier without him dragging you down.
I am very sorry about you losing your much loved pet, they’re family

Some people do genuinely lack emotion and empathy up to you if thats who you want .
Has he always been like that.

It interesting that he shouts and gets angry at you when you show emotion. That's a different response from complete indifference. Your emotion is actually annoying him, triggering rage.
Anyway, that's for him to work out by himself.

My mother was the same, when I was growing up - any display of upset triggered absolute rage in her. When I was 14 my cat died unexpectedly - hit by a car - and I was the one who found his dead body. I was distraught. That night we went around to my grandmother's and she saw that I was upset, asked me why and I promptly burst into tears. My grandmother comforted me, the first kind words I'd had all day. My mother was LIVID that I'd showed I was upset...because it took away from the 'perfect mother' image my mother wanted to display...

You need to get rid of him. Don't stay with someone so unable to display empathy.

@MondayYogurt

It interesting that he shouts and gets angry at you when you show emotion. That's a different response from complete indifference. Your emotion is actually annoying him, triggering rage. Anyway, that's for him to work out by himself.

You’re absolutely right. It triggers him, but I’m not sure why.

I’ve been sympathetic in the past about his lack of emotions, I’m sure it’s not that he chooses to be this way, I’ve asked him to consider counselling, in fact there’s been times when I’ve begged him to get help, but he refuses. Or occasionally he’ll agree, but never seeks the help.

I feel this is it now. He provides no emotional support at all.

You know the worst thing about this, he makes me feel like the bad one. Like now, I’ve been sat in my bedroom ever since, haven’t even been down for food or drinks. I’m not frightened of him, not at all. I just hate there being an atmosphere, and it’s always me that puts it right.

You are not the bad one for being human. Your reaction is normal, his is not. He is the one who should be feeling like the 'bad' one....even if he doesn't understand your reaction, he should be able to show some frigging empathy for it. You've lost a pet you loved, don't ever feel you should apologise for being upset.

How are you this morning OP? I am so sorry for your rabbit, my daughter and I were only just talking about the rabbits we had and they are truly wonderful pets. Your OH is treating you really badly and I just want to give you a virtual hug from a stranger if that can make you feel a bit better. As for leaving? If its time for this relationship to stop then it is now. If you leave you can find another wonderful home and be away from the toxic environment that is in your present home. Your OH is unlikely to want to go. If you choose to stay then you may need some professional help mentally to find ways to cope with his behaviour and not let it affect you so much, which is really difficult. I hope you can find some quiet time today to grieve your lovely bunny xxx

When I woke OzH from bed to say our cat had died he jumped straight up to comfort me then went and fetched him from the council yard and bought him home and dug a hole in the garden

He's driven 200 miles two days running to get our beloved cat from the cat hospital

This is what compassionate people do

So sorry your bunny has died

I haven’t laid eyes on him yet today, he slept on the sofa, which in nearly a decade he’s never done.

As per usual, I’m the one on eggshells, I’m the one worrying about going downstairs to make a brew.

I have to call the pet crematorium at 11 when they open, so I’m just concentrating on that for now, I need my bunny putting to rest, the thought of him rotting away outside is horrifying me.

I haven’t even had time to grieve the rabbit, because now it’s become about our relationship.

Thank you to everyone who has replied and offered sympathy and hugs, it really does mean a lot to me.

We assume that everyone has empathy and compassionvbut some people are not capable of empathy. Some fake empathy, especially during the dating stages but ultimately they always reveal who they are. It's not as uncommon as you might think.

If you can afford the rent solely then it is a case of presenting him with the options. He takes over the tenancy or you do. Sadly I suspect he is the type to be vindictive and will force an upheaval on you and your dc, rather than move out.

I know it's not easy but ultimately getting away from him will be better in the long term. Invalidation can cause you to be stressed and that has long term impacts on your health.

We had a guinea pig put to sleep on Friday, I was in bits. DP held my hand through it, hugged me and treated me as though I'd lost a family member, which I had in a way.
It sounds like you're both incompatible, you're kind and empathic, he is not.
Good luck, I hope you can get him out.