Aunt is insisting she must tell my NC mum that I’ve moved house

[AlPacino]

I feel so angry, upset and miserable.

I cut contact with my mother four years ago amid intensive therapy about her part in my abusive childhood (watching my head get pushed underwater, joining in me being made fun of, not noticing I’d stopped eating and gone down to six stone, etc etc etc etc). She was also toxic since I’ve been an adult, switching from being warm and nice as pie to not wanting to know (eg when I was hospitalised having self harmed v seriously, and she didn’t come because she wanted to paint her ceiling).

Since the no contact she has been crazed, wailing down to the phone to her sisters (one of them sent me shouty text messages using swear words having a go at me- I haven’t spoken to her since). She also roped my sister in to turning up uninvited at my son’s nativity play.

I could go on and on and on.

Anyway. She comes to our house on my son’s birthday and Christmas to put cards through the door for him. She actually walks up to our door. This was one of many reasons why we are moving house- and the relief of knowing that wouldn’t happen anymore was a huge relief.

Stupidly, months back I mentioned to my cousin and the one aunt who has been nice that we were looking for a new home. And then I realised that if I told them where we were going that I didn’t totally trust for my new address not to get back to my mum.

So after asking advice on here- thanks guys- everyone said not to tell them our new address- I sent them both messages explaining why I needed the peace of mind to know that my new home address could never get back to my mum.

My cousin was like well she will have to know you’ve moved! And I said well I don’t know my mums current address so why does she need to know mine?! And my aunt is saying she feels she ‘has’ to tell my mum that I’ve moved home even though ‘all hell will break loose’. FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!! As soon as she tells her that my mum will just hire a fucking private detective and find us again!!!!!!

I’m so wildly upset right now that I’m fighting the urge not to self harm. I just cannot escape this hell no matter what I do.

@AlPacino

Would I be unreasonable to ask the people moving in to our house not to give our address out to anyone? I could easily see my mother knocking on the door and asking for it.

If I bought your house, and I was asked that, I would respect that you had some serious reason for it and wouldn't pass it on.

However, the people buying your house may not get your new address. When Ex and I bought our last house, we didn't have any address for the sellers, everything went via estate agent or solicitor.

Not at all, @AlPacino - I would ask them very clearly not to give it out and explain that everyone who needs to have it has been informed. TBH, I didnt have the new address for the people I bought my house from - is there any reason they need yours? You can forward post through the Post Office.

OP if cousin & aunt never visit you - lie- tell them re covid etc your sale has fallen through, work ie £ unstable and you have decided not to move - drama over (AND MOVE!)

I agree with PPs.

• your aunt and cousin do not sound as though they’ll support your interests
• I wouldn’t expect the buyers to know your address but I would ask solicitors to make sure it isn’t on information for them (if that is possible)
• make sure you’re not on open electoral roll register
• say to aunt and cousin you’re not sure now re moving due to the current situation, then retreat from them
• do not beat yourself up over telling them you were moving

YANBU and I wouldnt definitely explain to the new house people to just give a blanket "we don't know where they have gone, they set up a reroute postal service so nothing to hand over" to everyone.

WOULD not wouldnt

Thank you, I will leave them a note about not passing on our info. I will also mention it to our conveyancing solicitor as well and check if they will have seen our new address on any of the paperwork at all out of interest.

I could say that everything has fallen through, however my aunt and cousin knew we were moving in a few weeks (I’m such an idiot for telling them) so they may suspect I’m fibbing and a quick google on rightmove house prices will confirm our sale and what date we moved on.

I had a good cry to my husband last night and said to him that apart from him and our child I feel completely unloveable. My dad was absent and when he came into my life he fucked me about and blew hot and cold so that ended. My stepdad was violent and nasty and my mum happily went along with everything he did to me and only cast him aside when I finally told her years later that he had cheated on her ten years prior and told me threateningly to keep my mouth shut (I found out through a friend at school). So she only finished with him when she found out he had cheated on her- all the treatment of me was ok.

And none of my family- even my beloved grandparents- wouldn’t have stood up for me, fought for me and taken me in had they known what was going on. Everyone would rather keep things light and chummy.

It makes me feel so utterly worthless.

You are not unlovable by any means. Your child thinks the earth revolves around you, their mum. Your husband loves you, stood up in front of others declared his love for you and married you. You are very much loved.

Bit of tough love here now, you can either keep looking back wondering why people failed you, which will ruin your present or you can say the failings were theirs and theirs alone not mine. Then go on and be the person you needed to your child. Break the chain and have a real, honest, loving relationship with your child so they take that into their future. Then you can be proud not sad of the strength you had.

Cut them out and move forward without fear. They cannot hurt you now.

I'm so sorry OP, this is really shit to have to deal with.

Stop saying it was stupid of you to mention you were moving- moving house is a very big and all consuming life event that goes on and on for months. It would have to have been very calculated and restrained of you to not let that one slip to members of your family. So stop punishing yourself for just being human.

I agree with the PP who said that these kinds of situations are inevitable when you are still in contact with other family members who are close to your mum. As sad as it is, it's probably for the best not to have much to do with them anymore. You don't need people like that anyway. It sounds like they cause you a lot of stress and you don't really get much benefit from the relationship.

If the contract with the new buyers hasn’t concluded yet, you can have it written in that the buyers aren’t to have your address and that your solicitor isn’t to pass it onto them.

Ok that’s good, thanks, I’ve just emailed the solicitor to request that our forwarding address isn’t given.

Feeling very sad at the moment but going to try and bury myself in my little family and friends and forget about the lot of them.

Although the contracts have exchanged so it may be too late...

I think you need to add your aunt and cousin to the NC list.
They are not in your corner.

Exactly. They are not to be trusted.

Re asking solicitor to not give out your address - when you contact the bank ask them not to send any mail to old address.

I could say that everything has fallen through, however my aunt and cousin knew we were moving in a few weeks (I’m such an idiot for telling them) so they may suspect I’m fibbing and a quick google on rightmove house prices will confirm our sale and what date we moved on

I remember your other threads well, and yes it's a shame the rest ever knew about your move but what's done is done

Probably it's best to make sure of your security in your new home and just refuse all contact; they can scream and whine all they want, but at least they won't be doing it at you

Not every house sale appears on Right Move or Zoopla. Ours doesn't. Speak to your estate agents. They should be able to make sure it's not put on the websites. It takes about 3 months from sale before the Land Registry publish sales details. I'm not sure if you can stop someone undertaking a LR search as they are public records but you have to pay for it.

They're drama queens, just go NC with them too. What do you need them around for anyway? & Yes tell the people moving into your old house not to give out your address to anybody, not even a relative.

I’m such an idiot for telling them

OP if your child made a mistake would you call them an idiot, would you berate them? No of course you wouldn't, you shared news with family that's all. It is perfectly normal to tell a cousin and aunt that you are moving house, it is big exciting news that anyone would want to share with family. Unfortunately this family are not trustworthy, but you know that now and can respond to them differently going forward.

So right now you need to be the parent that the young version of you deserved and needed, so learn to show yourself compassion and understanding, learn to be kind and caring to yourself, from now on the choices you make, the life you live is to honour what that little girl needed and deserved.

I grew up in a home where I was neglected and sexually abused, as an adult it was revealed that the adults around me as a child knew what this man was doing but said and did nothing, like your family surface pleasantries mattered only, it left me with crippling self doubt and feeling worthless and unlovable as an adult. So now I spend everyday trying to making choices to build the life that little girl deserves, to feel safe, to feel loved (if only loved by myself) It is not always easy but it is a choice I have to make everyday and if some days I trip up I try again tomorrow. That's all any of us can ever do.

@dontbeme I’m so sorry for what you went through

It’s so hard to swallow when adults around you as a child don’t want to help. I couldn’t be around those people anymore and feel comfortable.

I try and make sure my son knows he is adored every single day. I’m certain he hears I love you probably too much but I’d rather that than the opposite.

Go NC with all the fucking weirdos.