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Original poster

Aunt is insisting she must tell my NC mum that I’ve moved house

69 replies

AlPacino · 23/01/2021 17:53

I feel so angry, upset and miserable.

I cut contact with my mother four years ago amid intensive therapy about her part in my abusive childhood (watching my head get pushed underwater, joining in me being made fun of, not noticing I’d stopped eating and gone down to six stone, etc etc etc etc). She was also toxic since I’ve been an adult, switching from being warm and nice as pie to not wanting to know (eg when I was hospitalised having self harmed v seriously, and she didn’t come because she wanted to paint her ceiling).

Since the no contact she has been crazed, wailing down to the phone to her sisters (one of them sent me shouty text messages using swear words having a go at me- I haven’t spoken to her since). She also roped my sister in to turning up uninvited at my son’s nativity play.

I could go on and on and on.

Anyway. She comes to our house on my son’s birthday and Christmas to put cards through the door for him. She actually walks up to our door. This was one of many reasons why we are moving house- and the relief of knowing that wouldn’t happen anymore was a huge relief.

Stupidly, months back I mentioned to my cousin and the one aunt who has been nice that we were looking for a new home. And then I realised that if I told them where we were going that I didn’t totally trust for my new address not to get back to my mum.

So after asking advice on here- thanks guys- everyone said not to tell them our new address- I sent them both messages explaining why I needed the peace of mind to know that my new home address could never get back to my mum.

My cousin was like well she will have to know you’ve moved! And I said well I don’t know my mums current address so why does she need to know mine?! And my aunt is saying she feels she ‘has’ to tell my mum that I’ve moved home even though ‘all hell will break loose’. FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!! As soon as she tells her that my mum will just hire a fucking private detective and find us again!!!!!!

I’m so wildly upset right now that I’m fighting the urge not to self harm. I just cannot escape this hell no matter what I do.

OP posts:
ExitChasedByABear · 23/01/2021 18:00

I am so sorry that you have to experience all of this Flowers. Do you have real life help? I’m sorry if I got this wrong but do your cousins somehow know your new address? And what’s the likelihood of you being able to move again? Because if you do move, I’d seriously consider not telling your cousins or that “nice” aunt your new address or any personal information about moving or anything. They’ve shown their true nature and it doesn’t look nice.

updownroundandround · 23/01/2021 18:05

I'm afraid that if you're keeping in touch with your cousin and aunt, they will always try to ''keep the peace'' with your mother.

You need to decide whether or not it wouldn't be a lot easier to lose touch with them too ?

It depends how much you see them as a support for you ? (though if they care more about keeping the peace than your mental/physical health, I'd drop them tbh)

You can redirect your post for as long as you like after you've moved, so I'd not bother telling them you've moved, and just pay to keep the same landline number and redirect the post ?

autumnboys · 23/01/2021 18:05

Your aunt and cousin are not friends. Well done for following your instinct on not giving them your new address.

Regarding your mum hiring a private detective - could you get a restraining order?

I hope you can find the peace and safety you deserve. Flowers

Original poster
AlPacino · 23/01/2021 18:05

I have my husband and friends who are all great. I feel bad for how much all of this has impacted my husband over the years. I feel like a bloody burden and like I’m constantly stuck in a nightmare.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlPacino · 23/01/2021 18:06

Do I have grounds for a restraining order? Unless she has assaulted me I’m not sure I do?

OP posts:
category12 · 23/01/2021 18:10

Have you considered going the legal route?

Maybe it's time to get advice from a solicitor if your mum harasses you again? She may be your parent, but she's not entitled to any contact with you if you don't wish.

NotCornflakes · 23/01/2021 18:16

But won't your mother work out that you've moved if she keeps coming to your old house to drop cards off? I agree, don't tell anyone what your new address is, but surely she will find out eventually that you have moved?

RB68 · 23/01/2021 18:23

Restraining orders can be about stopping people harassing you not just stopping assaults. I would be very clear with Aunt and Cousin that if they persist this is what will have to be done, and that they also will be cut off as they are not acting in your interest.

Holothane · 23/01/2021 18:27

She has no right at all non of my family know where I live now.

user194729573 · 23/01/2021 18:30

National Stalking Helpline are good. Might be worth contacting them.

Changethetoner · 23/01/2021 18:32

It's unlikely Mum will actually do the private detective route though. Isn't it? That would cost money.

VettiyaIruken · 23/01/2021 18:34

I think you need to add your aunt and cousin to the NC list.
They are not in your corner.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/01/2021 18:36

Don't hurt yourself 💐

I'd definitely go NC with the Aunt & Cousin they don't have your best interest at heart. They want to keep the peace with your mum, more than they want to support you.

I wouldn't do any more about your mum unless she turns up at your new place. If she does I'd go straight to a solicitors & get an
Order in place.

Sorry you're going through this & I'm sure your DH doesn't think you're a burden c

OhCaptain · 23/01/2021 18:36

How likely is it that she'll actually hire someone to follow you?

When are you moving? If cousin and aunt don't know when, I absolutely wouldn't tell them and tbh I'd be considering my contact with them, too.

WildishBambino · 23/01/2021 18:44

Can you give a false address at the wrong end of the country? If you have friends abroad, would they be OK with you giving their address?

polkadotpjs · 23/01/2021 18:47

I'd be tempted by false address but totally false in that no post would make it there if that's even possible. I've been reading a lot though so I might be in book land here

Dee261 · 23/01/2021 19:00

What a horrible situation that they are putting you in and how they are not supporting you and your choice as an adult is ridiculous and they obviously know that you do not have contact with your mother for a reason and they should respect your wishes for her not to know your new address!

They may feel like they have to tell her because you have mentioned that she comes and posts cards through your door for your child but that is the only reason as to why they feel like that would be acceptable to tell her that you have moved but again your choice and they should not be making the decision that she has to get told.
Ask them and if that is the reason as to why say they can pass on a friends address to her and they can then pass the cards to you so that 100% she will have no reason to know where you are.
They should actually be ashamed of her and what she subjected you to growing up and should be wanting to support you in your healing journey.
Maybe it’s time to cut them all out Flowers

FifteenToes · 23/01/2021 19:15

I must admit it seems highly unlikely, in our age of digitally-connected-everything, that your mother couldn't find out your address if she really wanted to anyway, regardless of what your cousin and aunt do.

You may be putting a lot of effort into something that will make no difference.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 23/01/2021 19:18

Cousin and Aunt need cutting off now too

297vic · 23/01/2021 19:22

I would cut all ties with your cousin and aunt. They clearly don't care for you or your wishes. I would tell them they can do one.
They only want to tell your mum because they want something to gossip about!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2021 19:25

Your cousin and aunt are flying monkeys and have no interest in hearing your side of things. Their opinion therefore should be ignored by you. I would certainly now lessen all levels of contact with them to a point of zero.

GreenClock · 23/01/2021 19:27

I think it’s time to cut off/block these family members too - for your own peace of mind. If they know where you live and come to your house, send them packing. Be really robust.

LonelyBlueBauble · 23/01/2021 19:28

@297vic

I would cut all ties with your cousin and aunt. They clearly don't care for you or your wishes. I would tell them they can do one. They only want to tell your mum because they want something to gossip about!
Completely agree with this. Cut them, you have to.
SunsetSenora · 23/01/2021 19:42

I am so sorry for you. You may have to stop contact with anyone who will tell your mother anything. I think it is really cowardly of your aunt - what does it mean 'she has to' tell? That is major BS. She is telling you she knows it will cause problems for you but doesnt care. I hope you can find other people in your life who will support and love you the way you deserve. Please dont hurt yourself - none of these people are worth that.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2021 19:46

I agree with others about cutting out your aunt and cousin. They love the drama, don't they? They don't need to know where you are.

Might it help you if you had a Ring doorbell or something similar? You could then see who was at the door without them realising.

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