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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aunt is insisting she must tell my NC mum that I’ve moved house

69 replies

AlPacino · 23/01/2021 17:53

I feel so angry, upset and miserable.

I cut contact with my mother four years ago amid intensive therapy about her part in my abusive childhood (watching my head get pushed underwater, joining in me being made fun of, not noticing I’d stopped eating and gone down to six stone, etc etc etc etc). She was also toxic since I’ve been an adult, switching from being warm and nice as pie to not wanting to know (eg when I was hospitalised having self harmed v seriously, and she didn’t come because she wanted to paint her ceiling).

Since the no contact she has been crazed, wailing down to the phone to her sisters (one of them sent me shouty text messages using swear words having a go at me- I haven’t spoken to her since). She also roped my sister in to turning up uninvited at my son’s nativity play.

I could go on and on and on.

Anyway. She comes to our house on my son’s birthday and Christmas to put cards through the door for him. She actually walks up to our door. This was one of many reasons why we are moving house- and the relief of knowing that wouldn’t happen anymore was a huge relief.

Stupidly, months back I mentioned to my cousin and the one aunt who has been nice that we were looking for a new home. And then I realised that if I told them where we were going that I didn’t totally trust for my new address not to get back to my mum.

So after asking advice on here- thanks guys- everyone said not to tell them our new address- I sent them both messages explaining why I needed the peace of mind to know that my new home address could never get back to my mum.

My cousin was like well she will have to know you’ve moved! And I said well I don’t know my mums current address so why does she need to know mine?! And my aunt is saying she feels she ‘has’ to tell my mum that I’ve moved home even though ‘all hell will break loose’. FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!! As soon as she tells her that my mum will just hire a fucking private detective and find us again!!!!!!

I’m so wildly upset right now that I’m fighting the urge not to self harm. I just cannot escape this hell no matter what I do.

OP posts:
Woodlandbelle · 23/01/2021 19:46

Cut them off 100 percent. Feel so bad for you. No way is your aunt or cousin on your side.

NovemberR · 23/01/2021 19:47

I'd probably be saying Well, I don't see the point in you telling her I'm moving to Exeter! It's a long way from Birmingham where we all currently live... then I'd move to Carlisle

I'd then go very low contact with them.

(Substitute towns of your choice)

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2021 19:50

Agree with everyone else cut them off too they do not have your best interests at heart

TurquoiseDragon · 23/01/2021 19:56

OP, when you do move, make sure you and your DH opt out of the open electoral roll. I've opted out years, now, and the last publicly available address for me dates back to 2003.

If your mum is likely to hire a PI, I think they can only access the open register.

Mittens030869 · 23/01/2021 19:57

I agree with the other PPs that you should cut contact with your cousin and aunt. They don't have your best interests at heart, sorry. You'll never be able to break completely free from your Mum otherwise.

SunTrip · 23/01/2021 20:14

My mums sister screamed something awful down the phone to me. Quite hurtful when my mother was the aggressor, not me. I kept my distance. Years down the line, my mum turned on her sisters so now they are all NC with each other. Bloody dysfunctional families - best to keep distance all round. Focus on you OP Flowers.

Dontbeme · 23/01/2021 20:16

And my aunt is saying she feels she ‘has’ to tell my mum that I’ve moved home even though ‘all hell will break loose

So they just love the drama then, no matter how much it hurts you and your family. Cut them loose OP, you cannot trust them.

Out of curiosity what did this aunt have to say when you were being abused as a kid? Seeing as she is the type that just has to "speak up" surely she protected you when you were a child, surely she spoke out then? I would bet good money she can stay quiet when it suits.

SunTrip · 23/01/2021 20:18

PS. I think you are alarmed and scared and upset right now. But the fact is your mum can’t do anything to force contact with you really, unless it does become harassment. In a short time I am sure you will feel better. Just try to ignore what people say or don’t say.

mumtobabygilrl · 23/01/2021 20:19

I can totally empathise. We are nc with MIL, we moved house and had a few blissful months where no birthday or Christmas bits arrived for DD, stupidly made mistake of letting her sister (dh aunt) know our address, which has since been passed on, the weight around special occasions knowing her post will come really gets me down. We are now nc with the aunt too as she couldn't come to terms with our decision to stay nc with mil,
No real advice other than a handhold as I know how horrible this can all be. I have managed to find mil address but I'm not sure it's worth making contact, some weird part of her will probably enjoy the effort I've had to go to to tell her to bigger off!!!

Just bin the post that's what we do

harknesswitch · 23/01/2021 20:31

You need to cut contact with your aunts. They are your mums flying monkeys

SnowFields · 23/01/2021 20:34

I think you need to go NC with them and anyone else in your family who will feedback what you say/do.

Original poster
AlPacino · 23/01/2021 20:40

Sadly I have always suspected that my aunt and cousin aren’t really on my side and don’t care. Neither of them ever asked after me when I was in a bad way and they’ve not enquired how I am since all this fallout started. My entire family is all surface bullshit but deep down they don’t give a shit.

I’m moving on totally now, that’s it. So sad re my cousin tho. She and I have been buddies since we were born.

I hate to admit it but I self harmed a bit this eve. Fell off the wagon after years. Feel dreadful and very anxious.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 23/01/2021 20:42

OP do you have someone with you now? Is there anywhere you can get support this evening?

Cabinfever10 · 23/01/2021 20:44

When you move make sure that your not on the electoral roll that is sold (its a little box you tick) and register with 192 as ex directory. Also be very careful about any pictures you post online as they have geo tag data on them that can tell you where they were taken and be accessed if you know what you're doing.
This won't stop a pi finding you but it will make it a lot harder for your mum to find you.

Seasaltyhair · 23/01/2021 20:47

Your aunt and cousin feel stuck in the middle and obviously feel like they would be keeping secrets from your mum which will cause a fall out between them too.

Families are messed up.

Even if you moved and you hadn’t have told your aunts you were moving your mother would have still found out when she came to drop xmas cards off and if she is capable of hiring a private detective she would have done so anyway.

Go NC with your cousin and aunt. They are the final connection to your mum.

Good luck x

BettyAndVeronica · 23/01/2021 21:06

NC aunt and cousins. And anyone else that side of the family who you don't completely trust. You won't miss them.

No reason for anyone but those you are closest to to have your address. Make sure all your SM is private. Both you and DH.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/01/2021 21:30

I'm so sorry to read your update @AlPacino. Please get the help you need to stop self harming, that's for starters.
Then I would get in touch with a solicitor and find out if you can get a Cease & Desist letter to the cousin, the aunt and your mother.
You are not and probably will never have the support you need from cousin or aunt so it's time now to cut them out.
It's very harsh but you could get into the letter that as they feel they have no option but to tell your NC mother that you're moving, you have no option but the cut contact with them. If you felt the need, you could get a really cheap mobile phone and keep it normally in a drawer and check it every so often and give them the number to that phone. It would be completely separate to any other number you might have but only if you want to have a thread of a way to stay connected to them. You would have to make sure that any swearing or rudeness would result in you throwing that phone away and all connections would be severed.
Just a thought.
Look after yourself though. That's paramount in all of this other stuff that is happening around you.

Highlights12 · 23/01/2021 21:37

Maybe your cousin & aunt feel stuck in the middle. Why not tell them the move has fallen through & then leave it at that.

BlueThistles · 23/01/2021 21:42

Nobody has a right to question your decisions...

Cut these Aunts and cousins out your life .. who the fuck do they think they are.. deciding what is best for you and your choices ...

Stop telling people/family your business... why are you sharing everything with them

Live your life your way 🌺

iloverock · 23/01/2021 22:01

Why don't you change your name.
Move
Cut Ties with them all

Original poster
AlPacino · 23/01/2021 22:09

Have already changed my name.

I’ve got my husband here with me.

This is all my fault for telling them months ago that we were gonna be moving. I don’t know why I did that, I didn’t think it through.

OP posts:
hMG206 · 23/01/2021 22:19

Cut your aunt and cousin out

My mother has told my aunt she has a “right to know” where I live

Luckily my aunt isn’t an idiot and just says she doesn’t know

It’s about control isn’t it?

sonjadog · 23/01/2021 22:19

I think this has opened your eyes to your aunt and cousin and that you can adjust your relationship to them from now on. Regarding them telling your mother that you are moving, she was going to find out even if they said nothing. When she came to your old front door and it obviously wasn´t you living there, she was going to understand you have moved. Don´t feel like you made a big mistake with your aunt and cousin as she would have found out anyway. This situation has offered you a good opportunity to reassess your relationship with your aunt and cousin, so that in the future you will know not to tell them something that you can and want to keep away from your mother.

Original poster
AlPacino · 23/01/2021 22:40

Would I be unreasonable to ask the people moving in to our house not to give our address out to anyone? I could easily see my mother knocking on the door and asking for it.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 23/01/2021 22:41

I think that would be a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

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