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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First time mum, complicated BD situation, advice needed!

61 replies

Misslewis · 23/01/2021 06:43

I am 35 years old, didn’t think I could have children, me and my childhood sweetheart (we were together from the age of 14-21 and remained friends thereafter) reconnected last year and after a couple of months spending time together I fell pregnant. I am currently 22 weeks. To my shock and disappointment my BD has totally abandoned me and the situation and this has been since I was 14 weeks. I don’t know where to go from here, I have tried reaching out and reasoning / speaking with him but he has totally shut down. I am unsure whether I should put him on the birth certificate and also considering legal advice regarding access once baby is here. Anyone experiencing / experienced this? Any advice or guidance would be welcome

OP posts:

shitinmyhandsandclap · 23/01/2021 06:47

BD?

Raindancer411 · 23/01/2021 06:51

I think it's the term most people hate and used a lot in America.. baby daddy?

Sunflowergirl1 · 23/01/2021 06:52

Gosh what an awful term...sounds like Rapper speak?

CiderJolly · 23/01/2021 06:58

I’m sorry that he has been such a disappointment- but perhaps better you know now rather than later.

I would put him on the birth certificate for the baby’s sake longer down the line and it’s factually correct. Obviously he would have to come with you to register the birth-so the decision might be out of your hands if he chooses not to.

But give the baby your Surname.

Hope you’re ok- are you happy about the pregnancy?

Oreservoir · 23/01/2021 07:01

No experience. But hope someone with good advice will come along.
Good luck.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/01/2021 07:01

Were you in a relationship with him or no? How many weeks were you when you found out and told him about the pregnancy - was he supportive of you keeping the baby at that point?

It doesnt sound like he wanted a baby at all, I'm afraid. He should have used condoms if he felt that way.

I would not plan on putting him on the birth certificate and I wouldnt expect him to want access. Generally with a tiny baby they cannot be separated from mum much anyway so it would be a while before he could have much access beyond short visits etc in any case.

DinosaurDigestive · 23/01/2021 07:03

Definitely do not take him with you to have his name put on the birth certificate.

He has checked out so no way should you allow him to have the parental rights and responsibilities that would automatically occur if his name was on the birth certificate.

Having to ask him and hope he agrees if you want to take your baby/child away on holiday? If he says no then lots of money wasted on court hearings to try and get decision overturned.

What if you had different ideas about medical treatment?

There are so many different possible scenarios and it would also allow him to take the baby/child and decide not to return after any contact as if name is on the birth certificate the police can't remove unless at serious risk of harm as it is classed as a civil matter not criminal. So you would be stuck waiting for court hearings and have an expensive bill also if he ever decided to do this.

Also please don't give baby his last name. He has left you to it so honestly baby should have your surname and not his. Some get so focused on this even when they're not interested in the child as the surname is so important to them! Your baby, your surname.

As again, you can't simply change surname once baby is registered with his. And if you have anymore then you would likely feel that you wanted them all to be the same etc

Original poster

Misslewis · 23/01/2021 07:06

The baby’s father. Sorry, new to this and actually googled the relevant abbreviations but clearly didn’t get it right!

OP posts:

Original poster

Misslewis · 23/01/2021 07:07

New to this so can only apologise. My reference means the baby’s father

OP posts:

Jimdandy · 23/01/2021 07:08

If he is blanking you amd you’re not married, unless he comes with you or desperately applies you won’t be able to put him on the birth certificate.

I’d just leave it and do what you need to do and see what happens later on.

DinosaurDigestive · 23/01/2021 07:09

Sounds like you have done all you can at this moment in time to try and have him involved.

I would leave it now as hard as that is and just concentrate on yourself and your baby. Focus on what you need.

I would also be planning on who I would want with me in labour - as even if he does seem to change his mind later down the road he isn't reliable at all - as you need to feel supported.

Also, if he does reappear going on about contact please don't worry as courts don't order contact away for a newborn as they need their mums. Also if you happen to be breastfeeding then that also means you have to be there for baby to be fed so breast feeding isn't interfered with at all. Overnight visits would not be ordered for a long time with a little baby.

That is only if he actually bothers trying to take it further with court etc as some do and some don't.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Wishing you all the best

Onadifferentuniverse · 23/01/2021 07:09

If you’re in the UK you can’t just put someone on the birth certificate if you’re not married to them. They have to physically be there when you register your child.

MabelMoo23 · 23/01/2021 08:38

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

As above, in order for someone to be automatically included on the birth certificate they have to be married to the mother, otherwise they have to be present

By the sound of it, he won’t be

OfficerHops · 23/01/2021 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

handsandfeet · 23/01/2021 08:54

What's a BD?

It amazes me that people On Mumsnet can type lengthy paragraphs and but cannot write words like husband, boyfriend or partner

Terracottasaur · 23/01/2021 09:06

It amazes me that people On Mumsnet can type lengthy paragraphs and but cannot write words like husband, boyfriend or partner

It amazes me that you couldn’t read a mere 15 posts before commenting. OP clarified what she meant.

OP, don’t put him on the birth certificate even if he pops back up and wants it - he’s too unreliable. But do pursue him for child support through CMS. He still has to financially support his child.

IamMaz · 23/01/2021 09:07

Where do you live?
In UK he would have to be with you for his name to be on the birth certificate when it is registered.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 23/01/2021 09:11

It amazes me that people would rather pedantically correct a woman asking for help, rather than actually, you know, try to give advice.

@Misslewis ignore those who are pretending they're much too middle-class to have even heard of the term BD.

dementedpixie · 23/01/2021 09:11

He can't be on the birth certificate unless he goes to the appointment as you arent married.

Bettysnow · 23/01/2021 09:13

Congratulations on your pregnancy. What a cowardly excuse for a human being this man is! He should be ashamed of himself! I think you would be best seeking legal advice as to naming him on the birth certificate because he needs to financially support his child. He can't shrug off paying and should be made to when baby arrives. Concentrate on looking after yourself and reach out to friends, family and help from external agencies. Im so sorry he has done this to you and wish you lots of luck with your pregnancy and a wonderful future with your baby when he/she arrives

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2021 09:15

Op i'm sorry he's shown his true colours.

I'd put him on the birth cert so your child has that rather then"father unknown". Give him your surname.

I'd message him when baby is here and offer the chance for him to meet baby.

Do you have any contact with his family? Potentially if so I'd let them know so they can make their own choice.

Put in a claIm for CSA.

YOU CAN DO THIS

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2021 09:16

@dementedpixie

He can't be on the birth certificate unless he goes to the appointment as you arent married.

Ah yes, ignore what I said, this is correct

dementedpixie · 23/01/2021 09:18

They don't put father unknown either

AnotherEmma · 23/01/2021 09:20

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

It amazes me that people would rather pedantically correct a woman asking for help, rather than actually, you know, try to give advice.

@Misslewis ignore those who are pretending they're much too middle-class to have even heard of the term BD.

This!

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm sorry the father is behaving this way.

My advice:

Stop contacting him, he's not interested so stop trying and focus on yourself. After baby is born you might want to inform him but that's all I'd do.
Find a birth partner such as a close relative or friend (preferably someone who's already given birth) or if not then a doula. Involve them now so you have someone to attend scans with you (if you want and if allowed within covid rules) and to discuss your plans for the birth, as well as supporting you at the birth.
Register the birth without him (he's unlikely to want to attend anyway) and give baby your surname. If he decides that he wants to be involved in future, it will be reasonably straightforward to give him parental responsibility. But if you put his name on the birth certificate, he will get it automatically, which will give him quite a bit of control over baby's life (and therefore yours) even if he's not involved at all.
Put in a child maintenance claim as soon as baby is born. He still has to pay whether or not he's on the birth certificate.

Lemmeout · 23/01/2021 09:23

It sounds like you hve a lucky escape. He is not reliable. Thank your lucky stars you found out now. I would not put his name on the birth certificate. If he wants parental responsibility he will have to prove it is he worthy.

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