First time mum, complicated BD situation, advice needed!

[Misslewis]

I am 35 years old, didn’t think I could have children, me and my childhood sweetheart (we were together from the age of 14-21 and remained friends thereafter) reconnected last year and after a couple of months spending time together I fell pregnant. I am currently 22 weeks. To my shock and disappointment my BD has totally abandoned me and the situation and this has been since I was 14 weeks. I don’t know where to go from here, I have tried reaching out and reasoning / speaking with him but he has totally shut down. I am unsure whether I should put him on the birth certificate and also considering legal advice regarding access once baby is here. Anyone experiencing / experienced this? Any advice or guidance would be welcome

@Bettysnow

Congratulations on your pregnancy. What a cowardly excuse for a human being this man is! He should be ashamed of himself! I think you would be best seeking legal advice as to naming him on the birth certificate because he needs to financially support his child. He can't shrug off paying and should be made to when baby arrives. Concentrate on looking after yourself and reach out to friends, family and help from external agencies. Im so sorry he has done this to you and wish you lots of luck with your pregnancy and a wonderful future with your baby when he/she arrives

If a woman accidentally gets pregnant and decides to have a termination because she doesn’t want the baby, would you say she was a cowardly human being who should be ashamed of herself? What exactly has he ‘done’ to her? They had sex, presumably unprotected, and she would have noticed that. It takes 2 to get pregnant, he didnt ‘do it’ to her!

OP, as you’re not married its your choice as to whether to add the name of your child’s father to its birth certificate. Not doing so doesn’t stop him going to court to get it added in the future though. Neither will it stop the courts giving him access to the child.
What I would say though is to see this from the POV of the child. doesn’t everyone deserve to know who both their parents are? Even if they dont see them? If he decides once the baby arrives that he Does want to be involved, surely this is better for the baby?

She can still tell the child who the father is.
Don't be silly.

OP @AnotherEmma gave some good practical advice.

I am a lone parent and it's been absolutely fine. I've had zilch financially from her father (he's in another country so can't get maintenance) and I've managed ok. It's doable.

It's difficult at times so try and get yourself set up so you have some support from family/friends etc

I think there’s a massive difference between not putting a man’s name on the birth certificate for legal reasons (to prevent him having automatic parental responsibility if he doesn’t intend to be involved in a meaningful way) and not telling a child who their father is.

OP knows who her child’s father is. There’s no suggestion she won’t tell the child whenever appropriate. I wouldn’t worry about a piece of paper, but I would not put a mans name on that piece of paper if it gave him undeserved rights to my child if he wasn’t willing to step up in practical terms.

OP, as PPs say, if he changes his mind later you can give him parental responsibility then easily enough. For now, I’d concentrate on you and getting the support you need elsewhere. Tell him he knows where you are if he changes his mind, that you’ll apply for child maintenance when the baby is born and then try to forget about him.

Congratulations on your pregnancy- it’s an amazing adventure.

Those people who can't work out what BD means here are just not trying at all.

Absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate. Register the child with your surname.

Don’t worry about maintenance payments as he has a duty to pay regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate or not (if he refuses/denies paternity they can DNA test).

Naming on the birth certificate automatically gives him parental responsibility and the allowance to make decisions for your child most of which can be made independently from you. It also means certain things you will have to consult him with- for instance taking the child abroad. This could cause you a whole host of issues if he goes no contact and refuses to communicate. If things turned sour it is almost unheard of for the courts to remove parental responsibility.

If on the other hand he really steps up (though sounds unlikely from your experience so far!) you can always enter a parental responsibility agreement to give him parental responsibility and then amend the birth certificate to show him named as father.

In respect of access the birth certificate is irrelevant- he could apply for access and it’s highly likely he would be granted some form.

Give the child your surname- you know you will be in your child’s life forever whereas he has not shown that commitment and could lumber a child with a surname with little meaning/cause confusion.

I would keep the door open to him, let him know you hope he will visit baby and see how it pans out. Just don’t leave yourself in a vulnerable position legally when you do so.

Remember you can and should claim Cms. He doesn't need to be on the bc for that..

OP no need to apologise about the term BD some people are completely arse like a out stuff like that. Its nasty and bitchy so please ignore. A woman could be beaten half to death and there will always be someone who comments on the spelling or words when its a cry for help. If you can't say something constructive don't bother. Im sorry things are like this for you. I hope you manage to reconnect in some way for the sake of your child. That is something he can't get away from.

@Soontobe60 A woman who gets pregnant and decides to have a termination is doing what she feels is the best thing for her. She is taking responsibility not like the ops partner who is taking no responsibility for his part in this ladys pregnancy so yes to me that makes him a cowardly human being! The fact that he is ignoring her as if he didn't play any part in the childs conception is particularly cowardly! What hes "done" to her is ignored the fact that he is equally responsible for creating this child and left her to it! You are quite correct in that it takes two therefore he should have stepped up and faced up to the consequences of his actions!

@Bettysnow totally agree with you. Just because he doesnt want to be in ops life doesnt excuse from the fact that, he helped create that child , and to reject your own flesh and blood is wrong on many levels, and says alot about a person.
I was in this position Op. Dad came round just before her birth and decided he did want to be in her life, But everytime the going gets tough, he prioritises himself again and again. Wish I had walked away sooner.

I think you need to prepare to be
My intentions are to seek compensation from the landlord, prevent his proposed rental increase (for which I also sent a separate request two weeks ago relating to these issues) and for him to carry out the works required and not just patch over the problems and unsupportive. So, you register in your name for sure.

@CiderJolly

I’m sorry that he has been such a disappointment- but perhaps better you know now rather than later.

I would put him on the birth certificate for the baby’s sake longer down the line and it’s factually correct. Obviously he would have to come with you to register the birth-so the decision might be out of your hands if he chooses not to.

But give the baby your Surname.

Hope you’re ok- are you happy about the pregnancy?

If they’re not married unless he attends the registration then @Misslewis can’t put his name on.

He has no automatic right to anything

@RaininSummer wrong thread?!

Do not put him on the birth certificate, even if he says he wants to be on there. It confers all the rights and none of the responsibilities.

All this wrangling about how a child has a right to know their father and blah blah is, as usual, completely irrelevant. OP cannot put him on the BC without his permission and/or presence. So he doesn't go on unless he actively requests it at the time of the baby's birth. It is not a choice that exists or matters right now in the OP's circumstances.

This is separate from child maintenance, but if he is forced to pay CM after a DNA test then this may bring him out of the woodwork to request PR. At present, since he is refusing to have anything whatsoever to do with OP, he seems unlikely to agree to being registered as the baby's father or pay maintenance unless the CSA enforces it.

Good luck with the pregnancy OP.

@Misslewis congratulations ! What wonderful news about your miracle baby, especially you didn't think you could have children

On the legal questions, best thing to do would be speaking to citizens advice bureau and/or a solicitor (some solicitors offer free 30mins or so advice)

Op, congratulations on the pregnancy. Ignore those gaudy posters who ‘didn't understand’ what bd meant from the context. Some posters are a little slow arseholes

Id say,

1. do not put his name on birth certificate. He can add it through court if he wants to pursue that route.
2. CMS immediately when baby is born.
3. Baby has YOUR surname. This is a non-negotiable. I’m a firm believer in baby should have mother’s surname.
4. This is not about father’s rights, so dont let him pressure you later when he meets another woman with poor boundaries and he needs to pretend he didn't abandon his child It should always be about what is best for baby.
5. Ask for advice for anything you're not sure about. From more than one source.

Talking to a solicitor seems unnecessary at this point, although it might be helpful if the father decides in future that he wants parental responsibility and contact with the child.

The Child Law Advice website has lots of helpful information so it's worth reading through before contacting Citizens Advice or a solicitor with questions.

childlawadvice.org.uk/legal-position-relating-to-unborn-children/
This page makes it clear that he has no rights whatsoever before baby is born (or indeed to attend the birth)

childlawadvice.org.uk/register-and-re-register-a-childs-birth/
This says it's possible to add a father to the birth certificate at a later date

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/
This explains the rights he would have if he was named on the birth certificate or granted PR later

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/contact/
This page is a helpful starting point if he wants contact with the child

I can't see anything about child maintenance but there's info about that on gov.uk and the Citizens Advice website.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance1/getting-child-maintenance/applying-to-the-CMS-for-child-maintenance/

Have you got some one to talk to like your mum, as you sound quite young.
Going to court for access isn't to force him to have access. You can't force someone to take responsibility for their child. If he is walking away, then the child will be with you 24/7.
Likewise, you don't have to keep the child. You could adopt your baby if you aren't ready to be a parent.

It sounds like you'll be doing this alone, without his support, so give your child your surname, not his.
He still has to pay child support until the child is 18. You claim that once the baby is born.
Have you thought about where you'll live, how you'll fund yourself? Are you working?

His parents may want to be involved, as grand parents even if he doesn't want to be. That would be a connection to Dad's side of the family.

It's not recommended for a small baby to be away from mum, so even if he decided to be involved later, he's unlikely to be given overnight access until baby is 2 or so, as it isn't in the best interest of the child to be away from mum.

The OP starts her post with 'I am 35 ...'

Gosh what an awful term...sounds like Rapper speak?

Gosh, what an awful comment. Sounds like racist speak?

To all those berating OP for her choice of abbreviation, I'll bet you were the same ones spouting the "Be Kind" mantra this time last year. Your snootiness is far less appealing than the term "baby daddy".

I have no idea what happened to my post above. How strange as I haven't even been on a thread about a rent increase. Anyway, I was going to say you need to be prepared to go it alone here obviously but do get child maintenance from him and don't out him on the birth certificate even he he appears and says he wants to unless he has seriously changed his unsupportive and hurtful tune.

[quote Bettysnow]@Soontobe60 A woman who gets pregnant and decides to have a termination is doing what she feels is the best thing for her. She is taking responsibility not like the ops partner who is taking no responsibility for his part in this ladys pregnancy so yes to me that makes him a cowardly human being! The fact that he is ignoring her as if he didn't play any part in the childs conception is particularly cowardly! What hes "done" to her is ignored the fact that he is equally responsible for creating this child and left her to it! You are quite correct in that it takes two therefore he should have stepped up and faced up to the consequences of his actions![/quote]
@Soontobe60 your opinion is a strange one .
@Bettysnow
I couldn't agree with you more