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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First time mum, complicated BD situation, advice needed!

61 replies

Misslewis · 23/01/2021 06:43

I am 35 years old, didn’t think I could have children, me and my childhood sweetheart (we were together from the age of 14-21 and remained friends thereafter) reconnected last year and after a couple of months spending time together I fell pregnant. I am currently 22 weeks. To my shock and disappointment my BD has totally abandoned me and the situation and this has been since I was 14 weeks. I don’t know where to go from here, I have tried reaching out and reasoning / speaking with him but he has totally shut down. I am unsure whether I should put him on the birth certificate and also considering legal advice regarding access once baby is here. Anyone experiencing / experienced this? Any advice or guidance would be welcome

OP posts:
dogmandu · 23/01/2021 17:46

Those people who can't work out what BD means here are just not trying at all.

I had absolutely no idea what it was and it puzzled me as it is relevant to the whole thread. I was glad somebody soon came in and clarified. I also wonder why people put 'D' in front of people they obviously hate. e.g. DH

dogmandu · 23/01/2021 17:55

@Soontobe60 A woman who gets pregnant and decides to have a termination is doing what she feels is the best thing for her. She is taking responsibility not like the ops partner who is taking no responsibility for his part in this ladys pregnancy so yes to me that makes him a cowardly human being! The fact that he is ignoring her as if he didn't play any part in the childs conception is particularly cowardly! What hes "done" to her is ignored the fact that he is equally responsible for creating this child and left her to it! You are quite correct in that it takes two therefore he should have stepped up and faced up to the consequences of his actions!

At the end of the day it is the sole responsibility of the woman whether she allows unprotected sex (rape apart). The man will nearly always be up for it. Most women are well aware of the probable consequences and even in the height of passion they don't lose sight of this.

CantBeAssed · 23/01/2021 18:09

Hes checked out..why would you even consider contacting him when he has shown no interest in neither yourself nor babies welfare...keep his name off birth cert and if he ever raises his head (no doubt when convenient to him, if ever) ignore...men like this are never reliable and will walk in and out of your babies life when it suits them causing nothing but upset and confusion...good luck and congratesFlowers

SnoozyLou · 23/01/2021 20:01

I also wonder why people put 'D' in front of people they obviously hate. e.g. DH

I'm with you there.

SnoozyLou · 23/01/2021 20:08

OP, you can't make him have contact with the baby. I can't advise you on much, but I think if it were me, although he may well change his mind and want to be in your child's life, I think you need to proceed on the basis that he won't.

His loss, and it is shit that someone you have this history with had turned around and done this, but you don't need him. You've got this Thanks

PandaBabyJuly · 23/01/2021 20:16

Hi OP ... I'm in a similar situation to you and I posted earlier on in my pregnancy; I had some really helpful advice and so going forwards

  • I stopped trying to contact him
  • am going to give baby my surname
  • if he wants access / starts court proceedings I'll cross that bridge at the time
  • found someone to be my birthing partner

Congratulations on your pregnancy

AnnabelleMarx · 23/01/2021 23:03

@dogmandu

Those people who can't work out what BD means here are just not trying at all.

I had absolutely no idea what it was and it puzzled me as it is relevant to the whole thread. I was glad somebody soon came in and clarified. I also wonder why people put 'D' in front of people they obviously hate. e.g. DH

You had absolutely no idea, from the context, no idea at all that this must be the kid’s dad? Really?

I find that extremely difficult to believe.

dogmandu · 23/01/2021 23:15

I thought it was the baby's Dad but still couldn't work out what the letters stood for, therefore wasn't 100% sure.

Now it's irrelevant to me whether you believe me or not,. It's the truth whether you like it or not.

dogmandu · 23/01/2021 23:17

I've never seen this BD before. It's usually, Bf (boyfriends?) DH or similar. I'm not a social media user only MN so am not up to date with all these acronyms.

Original poster
Misslewis · 30/01/2021 11:09

@handsandfeet

Like I said. I’m new to this mumsnet business and the entire mum journey. For your information, I actually googled abbreviations as had seen others were using on here! But I do apologise that I didn’t get it right considering everything else I have going on!!! Jesus!!

OP posts:
SeahorseoramI · 30/01/2021 13:04

[quote Misslewis]@handsandfeet

Like I said. I’m new to this mumsnet business and the entire mum journey. For your information, I actually googled abbreviations as had seen others were using on here! But I do apologise that I didn’t get it right considering everything else I have going on!!! Jesus!![/quote]
Stop apologising for other people’s ignorance and rudeness. It was perfectly understandable.

How are you today?

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