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Original poster

He smoked crack with prostitutes and came on to my friends but maybe he's changed

55 replies

User23456 · 23/01/2021 05:23

Many years ago I had a relationship with a guy who was great at first but once he'd got me hooked treated me like crap - he wouldn't have sex with me and came on to my friends. I tried to leave him several times but he always begged for another chance and because I loved him I stayed. I just couldn't leave him.

He treated his previous girlfriend badly too. At the end of our two year relationship he said to me: "You've always said something was wrong and I think you should know the truth. I was addicted to crack and smoked it with prostitutes. You can't tell anyone." (We had a big circle of friends.)

Years later he is happily married. I wondered what was so wrong with me that he treated me badly but is now happily married. His new wife, who is very pretty, seems VERY happy and is always gushing on Facebook about her darling hubby. My friend said to me: "Maybe he's changed." Which felt like a slap in the face.

I accept that I tolerated a terrible relationship but I was much younger then and would never settle for this now.
Do you think it is likely that he changed?

OP posts:
GallowsHumour · 23/01/2021 05:28

Why is this preoccupying you now? Why are you monitoring what your long-past ex’s wife says on social media?

Original poster
User23456 · 23/01/2021 05:30

Because I am sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
User23456 · 23/01/2021 05:34

In truth, because we are Facebook friends and seeing his posts irks me. But I am not hugely preoccupied with it. It is more of an annoyance than anything.

OP posts:
RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 23/01/2021 05:42

I wouldn’t take it personally. People do change over time - when you’re older you want different things in life to when you were younger.

Having said that, I’d take a gushing Facebook with a pinch of salt. It sounds like it’s compensating for something (a not so perfect relationship) and trying to “keep up appearances”.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Focus on yourself and try to move past this. It’s not worth dwelling on.

Original poster
User23456 · 23/01/2021 05:49

Thanks Robin.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 05:56

That was a very good post from Robin. I get like this when looking at people’s feeds, which I do not do often. I am disabled and too ill to do all the stuff they do. I know deep down a lot of it is a façade. But it still gets to me sometimes.

So pinch of salt. What’s good about your life? What do you have to be grateful for?

dazzlinghaze · 23/01/2021 05:59

Just because a relationship looks good from the outside doesn't mean that's how it is behind closed doors. However, even if it is a happy relationship I'd say that has nothing to do with the woman he's with and more to do with the fact he's grown up and changed which has put him in a position to be able to have a healthy relationship.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/01/2021 06:00

There’s a lot of people who find that their Facebook friends who gush the most about their partners have the most problematic relationships and use Facebook to try to convince themselves otherwise. Food for thought?
I’d hide his posts and hers as well. Looking at them is not good for your mental health.

Dancingmeldew · 23/01/2021 06:10

All the happy gushing couples on facebook I know are actually have awful relationships. My sister and her husband are always doing big declarations of love over facebook. Pass the bucket, vomit inducing stuff lots of "I love you babes". Lovely pictures of a wonderful happy family. To show the world what a perfect life they have I know how bad the relationship is in real life. He is an abusive and very controlling bullying.

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2021 07:24

Putting romantic pictures or messages on Facebook is absolutely no indication of how good your relationship is

Step away from facebook, why is he even your friend on there? Delete him

peak2021 · 23/01/2021 07:28

I hope for the sake of his wife he has changed. However it is not something to be concerned with.

Perhaps time to stop using Facebook.

user1493413286 · 23/01/2021 07:29

If he has changed then it’s no reflection on you; he might have matured but it wasn’t about you.
I always feel suspicious when people have to post on social media how happy they are with their partners all the time; the people I know who are happy don’t feel the need to gush about it to everyone

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 23/01/2021 07:42

I used to have 2 friends on fb who constantly gushed about how great their husbands were. One of the husbands was actually physically, emotionally, and financially abusive and would literally stand over her forcing her to write these happy posts. He ended up trying to kill her. The second one was like your ex, always out taking coke and using sex workers. Every time she threatened to leave he'd write her a large cheque, she'd agree to stay, and then 10 seconds later she'd announce she was pregnant again. I mean, maybe your ex really has changed and his marriage really is happy but it seems unlikely.

category12 · 23/01/2021 07:42

Does the "smoked crack with prostitutes" thing actually fit with how he was when you were seeing him or could it have been something he said to wind you up during the break-up?

It just seems like quite an extreme thing to claim out of nowhere, but maybe it fits. Confused

If it's many years later, it's quite possible he's moved on from those behaviours and settled down. Doubtful his morality would change underneath.

EddisonTortoise · 23/01/2021 08:07

How can you, in one breath, say he was on crack and then, in the next breath, wonder what was wrong with you?

It had nothing to do with you. He was on crack and lived in a complete fantasy world in his head and behaved like a dick in the real world.

Maybe he's off the crack now and turned his life around.

Maybe he's not and the others are right and maybe their life together is shit too.

Maybe he has grown up a bit, maybe he had a shock, maybe he had an epiphany whatever. I still don't see why your friend saying "maybe he changed" would upset you.

BumbleFlump · 23/01/2021 08:13

I’m in agreement with those who say his new wife is using Facebook to smokescreen the crappy reality that their relationship truly is...not many people share personal info and photos on Facebook anymore (although maybe that’s just my generation -mid 40s)...

Eg. Someone I know is often posting photos of her gorgeous, angelic dc...however the reality is that the child is actually quite tricky to the point that other members of the family are fed up with it.

My ex is remarried and while they don’t share stuff in Facebook and I don’t even speak to him, let alone being Facebook friends with the man. His new wife has fallen for his victim stance and all the lies he’s told about me - It’s still early days but I’ve no doubt that they’re not going to be truly happy.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/01/2021 09:24

Take him off your list of "friends" for goodness sake. He is a huge negative force in your life even if he's just there on the screen, tempting you to look at what he's up to. Look to the future.

Standrewsschool · 23/01/2021 09:30

You’re taking it too personally. It sounded like he treated everyone terribly, you, your friends and the exes, possibly due to the drugs.

Maybe he has cleaned up, matured and moved in with his life. If so, be pleased for him, not jealous.

His wife is unlikely to put on Facebook that she found her husband doing drugs again, or hooking up with prostitutes. Also, you said you tried to leave several times, but you kept returning, so maybe he has this hold over his wife also.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 09:33

Op. Yes it’s wholly possible he’s changed, if he was still on crack years later you’d be able to tell just looking at him.

I’m sorry the relationship was bad for you. But it’s years now. You need to try to heal and move on.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 09:38

Op are you single?

It reads like this was a very important relationship to you and you’re envious that he may be treating his wife well and be happy. You even comment on how pretty she is.

It’s many years you say, so you should be looking at his Facebook, raising an eyebrow and find it nothing but curious. The fact you’re sad about it, thinking about why it didn’t work out with you, and feel jealous, maybe indicates there is something lacking in yout own life.

Is it a relationship or a happy relationship?

SilverRoe · 23/01/2021 10:15

Well if it’s true about the crack thing (seems doubtful you’d not notice) then yea why not? There are plenty of ex substance users out there who have gone on to have better lives and relationships. If you believe him why aren’t you happy he kicked such a terrible addiction and has moved on?

Why are you still thinking his addicted behaviour said something about you? Years later?

DoctorManhattan · 23/01/2021 10:16

Time has passed, he has changed, the dynamics of a new relationship are likely totally different to what you and him had, etc. On the one hand I can see why this might annoy you a little, but on the other hand what’s the alternative - would you rather he was still acting the same way with his new partner? You’re not with him any more but it’s clear you’ve carried some baggage from the relationship or this wouldn’t be bothering you.

Here’s a very alternate view. When I met my now-wife, we dated for a while before I was introduced to her sister and husband. He was - and is - a very friendly and nice guy, adores his family, works hard at running his own business, loves animals, etc. As a human being I find it hard to find flaws with my brother in law, not that I would even want to go looking for them.

We were out one night years ago for a few beers and had quite a deep chat about life and so on, so you can imagine my surprise when he told me how wild he’d been when he was younger - there was some criminality involved, drugs (inc heroin), and just general antisocial behaviour. It felt like he was talking about a totally different person.

People can and do change. And if they change for the better, it should be applauded because that upward trajectory is much harder to climb than the slippy slope downwards.

OhCaptain · 23/01/2021 10:19

You’ve changed since then so there’s every chance in the world that he has.

Unfriend, block, and move on with your life.

Hoping it’s all a smokescreen like some posters on here are doing is a bit tasteless.
She hasn’t done anything to you.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 10:24

Hoping it’s all a smokescreen like some posters on here are doing is a bit tasteless

There are always bitter comments on threads like this, someone can afford something, then it’s on credit, someone’s lost weight, then obvs they aren’t happy and have an eating disorder, someones got a promotion, then they will prob struggle and hate it, someone’s in a good relationship then it’s all a lie and their life is secretly hell. It’s a sign off unhappy people I think

Op, this isn’t about him. Or her, or their relationship. It’s about you, and why you’re still feeling like this. There is an underlying unhappiness that’s causing uou to focus on this. Which makes me think it’s about your own relationship status. It’s like you’re thinking why couldn’t that have been me.

Itsjusttoohard · 23/01/2021 10:24

There's nothing for you to gain by giving this headspace. Let's hope he has changed for his wife's sake, but IME most women who make a lot of gushy posts (not just a couple on special occasions) are far from happy and are trying to persuade themselves as much as anyone, which is very sad and it won't help you to hope that's what's going on.