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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He smoked crack with prostitutes and came on to my friends but maybe he's changed

55 replies

User23456 · 23/01/2021 05:23

Many years ago I had a relationship with a guy who was great at first but once he'd got me hooked treated me like crap - he wouldn't have sex with me and came on to my friends. I tried to leave him several times but he always begged for another chance and because I loved him I stayed. I just couldn't leave him.

He treated his previous girlfriend badly too. At the end of our two year relationship he said to me: "You've always said something was wrong and I think you should know the truth. I was addicted to crack and smoked it with prostitutes. You can't tell anyone." (We had a big circle of friends.)

Years later he is happily married. I wondered what was so wrong with me that he treated me badly but is now happily married. His new wife, who is very pretty, seems VERY happy and is always gushing on Facebook about her darling hubby. My friend said to me: "Maybe he's changed." Which felt like a slap in the face.

I accept that I tolerated a terrible relationship but I was much younger then and would never settle for this now.
Do you think it is likely that he changed?

OP posts:

Tallybeebloom · 23/01/2021 10:25

I don't agree with posters that the wife saying nice things on Facebook means that they're not actually happy. No one would know this, only them. They might be as happy as she says, they might not. He may well have changed and cleaned himself up, he may still be as much of an arsehole behind closed doors. The point is whether he is or isn't shouldn't matter to you. Don't see it as something personal to you if he has managed to change. People change throughout their lives and if he has sorted himself out then it's just a shame that you met him at the point you did, but that's just life. You could have met him later on and it would have been totally different. It has no reflection on you as a person or your worth.

I agree with the previous poster that there is likely to be something in your own life that you need to address. I know that when I've compared myself or felt jealous or bitter about things in others' lives it was always because there was something not right in a certain aspect of my own life. When I realised this and started addressing those things I became a much happier person!

SummerBlondey · 23/01/2021 10:35

Of course he won't have changed! What his wife posts on FB will not be a true reflection of her life - I know loads of people who are unhappy, but their FB posts would have you believe they are loving life. Poor woman, I bet she's having to put up with an arsehole on a daily basis.

seensome · 23/01/2021 10:41

Someone as awful as him I find it hard to believe his behaviour has completely disappeared.

OhCaptain · 23/01/2021 10:42

@Bluntness100 you’re right.

How sad, honestly.

Happyone8 · 23/01/2021 10:43

I’m always surprised the people who gush on Facebook are often unhappy . One friend was always doing loved up posts and divorced now. I’ve seen it often. I’ve now come off facebook as think it’s fantasy pretend world ! Would you want to be married to him - looking over your shoulder wondering if he’s back to his old ways , or would you prefer a nice guy without this baggage . She might not know his past and thinks he’s amazing . He might have changed but he might revert back to his old ways . You’re well shot of him

Kolo · 23/01/2021 10:46

Reading between the lines (or putting 2 and 2 together to make 5), are you worried he behaved like that because of you? And now he's found 'someone better' he's behaving like a decent human being?

If that's the question, no, it definitely wasn't you. The wife either came along at a time when this guy had somehow become better, or she's lying on social media. You are not responsible for someone's shitty behaviour. He's either not changed at all, or he's changed because of himself.

If I've read too much into it, apologies.

Teaseller · 23/01/2021 11:25

Why are you still looking him up on Facebook?

You shouldn't let someone who didn't treat you well 'live rent free in your head' as the young folk say.

Think about all the interesting things you could be doing with your time, rather than contemplating what someone you don't know anymore is doing with theirs

Moanasmother · 23/01/2021 11:29

Take them off facebook. He could have changed people do.

But take facebook with a pinch of salt. I have a family member who gushes and I know their really life isn’t that great at all.

Original poster

User23456 · 23/01/2021 11:52

I think you are right Kolo. There is a part of me that thinks he behaved that way because of me.

Another ex, a few years after him also had a prostitutes habit, which I found out about and it was the reason that relationship ended too. I am still on friendly terms with ex No 2 through work and he is also happy remarried. It does make me wonder if it's my fault they used prositutes!

To those saying there must be something wrong with my own life, then yes, you are right. I am depressed and have never been so lonely. I live alone, far away from family and friends and but am stuck due to the lockdown. Before the pandemic I was OK, but the way things are going, with the Govt hinting that the lockdown might continue into the summer, and the virus mutating into new strains, I honestly see no end to it.

Before the pandemic I was happy enough in the city where I live as I had people at work to chat to, occasionally met up with the few friends I do have here, and family and friends in other cities were always coming to visit, but all that has stopped now and I don't see anyone from one day to the next. I talk on the phone with friends almost every day but it isn't the same.

As for ex No1 I don't know how we came to be friends on Facebook. Maybe I'll put him on mute.
To the PP wondering if he wasn't being serious about being on crack - I don't think he was winding me up as he was pretty serious when he told me.

I was a very different person back then and, the drug issue aside, he is not the kind of person I would be attracted to at all now.

To Teaseller, I looked him up on FB very late at night after hearing some sad news about someone I know who also knew him and it made me think of him.

OP posts:

AndIquote · 23/01/2021 11:56

The most positive thing in the thread is "new wife" You've had a lucky escape.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 12:00

Ah op, I’m sorry. It’s hard, can you organise zoom calls with friends or family, just to keep in touch and feel more face to face?

To be honest, the whole smocked crack with prostitutes sounds like the sort of thing someone says when being accused of doing other bad things, it’s like a sarcastic response.

Anyway it doesn’t matter if he did or didn’t, what matters is how to get yourself in a better place mentally.

Do you do online dating? Would you be willing to try it.?

Sn0tnose · 23/01/2021 12:01

Absolutely nothing a woman does could make a man use a prostitute if he wasn’t already the sort of man that would think it was ok to do so. You’ve just chosen two very unpleasant men to date. You seem to be questioning why dating you wasn’t enough to change them into the men they appear to be now. If they genuinely have changed, then it was because they wanted to. There is nothing that you could have said or done to have sped that process up. It’s on them, not you.

AndIquote · 23/01/2021 12:06

It's hard op when your work/home balance is down the tubes.
It's easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole of FB when a "someone you might know" pops up, it's difficult not to have a look and wonder if he's up to the same tricks with his new wife.
The only thing you can do is try and restrict your time on these sites and unfollow or unfriend.

Try and build a bit of routine onto your life like a half hour walk every other day, bake a cake on a Friday etc.
I'm sure there's lots of people in the same boat.

seensome · 23/01/2021 12:09

@User23456* I was a very different person back then and, the drug issue aside, he is not the kind of person I would be attracted to at all now*
**
I think your comment above is key to getting over this, you have changed as a person and moved away from people like that, we can't change what how people have treated us in the past but we can learn to form barriers against letting people in our lives that are no good.

ExtraSettings · 23/01/2021 12:09

Facebook. Shallow as a puddle. Unfollow peeps OP!

But maybe like a previous poster, I can’t hack it cos of my illness/disability, I’m not sure. But even if I was living the dream I don’t think I’d post the daily boast!

I’ve known a few men who suddenly settled down. Maybe she’s the boss and doesn’t take any crap. Maybe he’s changed. It is a mystery sometimes. But best to focus on you OP.

JovialNickname · 23/01/2021 12:10

Just my own personal opinion, but I do think part of the abuse of you is him moving on and treating someone else very well. I have known in my own life a couple of people like this - one woman who seriously physically and emotionally abused two of her children (by emotional abuse I mean things like spitting in their food in front of them) but was a perfect devoted mother to the other two. And a man who horribly abused one woman but was genuinely a perfect husband to another. I do think these people can wear and remove the mask at will. The only "fault" of the abused person (and it is NOT their fault) is that they have some inherent vulnerability to them. The predator can recognise this from a mile away and preys on it. The moving on to someone else who they don't treat badly is part of the mental abuse "see I function just fine when I'm not with YOU". When in reality they are just actively choosing to control their impulses better.

Original poster

User23456 · 23/01/2021 12:13

Thanks Andiquote and Snotnose.
Thanks too, Bluntness, but I don't think there is any point in me dating as I don't think I could ever trust another man again. I think I am quite scarred by these past relationships.

Before the pandemic, I liked my own company and I was "happy" enough, but the thought of getting emotionally involved again and finding something else out further down the line that has potential to hurt me gives me pause for thought. It would be lovely to have a life companion but I just don't see that happening now in my fifties.

OP posts:

ExtraSettings · 23/01/2021 12:13

Ah I see you are OP, but it’s harder in the current pandemic situation. I’m tryna plan a holiday in September and some other positive things ... don’t know what will bear fruit if any.

Original poster

User23456 · 23/01/2021 12:26

Extrasettings, yes, it's good to have things to look forward to. I hope you manage to get away somewhere.

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2021 14:17

People who have descended to the depths he has never change unless they undergo a massive religious conversion.
I'd want to be with someone who has NEVER behaved like that and is incapable of doing so because of their personal standards.
Walk on and never look back, lucky escape.

category12 · 23/01/2021 14:36

People who have descended to the depths he has never change unless they undergo a massive religious conversion.

That's simply not true.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 15:13

As for ex No1 I don't know how we came to be friends on Facebook. Maybe I'll put him on mute.

Please just unfriend him OP, he brings nothing positive to your life at all. Close that chapter, unfriending him is a way to do that. Just do that today, even if the only other things you do are box set binges (which is what I'm doing). Tick it off the list.

I have had some exes cheat and do things I find reprehensible and often wondered, like you, whether it was down to me. I found counselling really, really helpful in working through that rather than the same pattern of thoughts running around my brain.

I didn't think I would be in a relationship again as I felt mine had all got toxic and I was the common denominator when actually the common denominator was the choices I made - choosing people who weren't worthy of trust and then staying with them when they did shitty things. I'm in a lovely, calm, drama free relationship now. I don't say that as a brag I say it to show there is hope.

Maybe rather than thinking about dating again you can see counselling as an investment - you may or may not want to be in a relationship again but counselling could make you happier in your own skin.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, I really feel for you. Loneliness and depression are bastards and covid is an absolute wanker too

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 23/01/2021 15:17

This sounds like a Jeremy Kyle headline 😂😂

Tavannach · 23/01/2021 15:21

Unfollow him and take up yoga. It's nothing to do with you how he does or doesn't behave now and you need to chill a bit.

RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 23/01/2021 16:16

Yes the best revenge is a life well lived.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Sat 23-Jan-21 14:17:54
People who have descended to the depths he has never change unless they undergo a massive religious conversion.

I dont agree with this. You dont need religion to become a better person.

As you get older you maybe appreciate life more - you take less risks (eg drugs) - have more responsibilities and value people more - your parents, your children etc.

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