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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I was the OW...

83 replies

AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 22:10

And I'll always feel guilty.

I was eighteen years old. A virgin and had never had a relationship before.

I'll always feel tremendous guilt and if I could change the choices I made then I would.

And quite hypocritically, I now always judge those who have affairs extremely harshly.

Just wanted to get that off my chest as to this day, no one knows.

OP posts:

Original poster

AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 00:12

It's hard to explain how I feel. He's actually great most of the time. He's good at taking care of me. He's also very kind, surprisingly. I care for him and I love him but at the same time, I don't think I'd be too bothered if we did separate tomorrow. I can certainly think of worse things.

OP posts:

category12 · 23/01/2021 00:15

You're an adult woman, how much looking after do you actually need?

Maybe you've outgrown him. You were very young when you got together.

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 00:17

The trouble is you were a different person at 18 and now you are a grown women.

Sometimes both people can be lovely but just not be a good match together.

candide47 · 23/01/2021 00:17

I know 18 is an adult but I also think you were pretty vulnerable back there OP, given your recent breakdown, your inexperience with men and the age difference he would have been in the driving seat. Don't judge yourself too harshly. The person who looks pretty bad here is your other half.

Original poster

AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 00:17

I have this vision, a kind of dream, of what I'd like my future to look like, I want to live in a little cottage, in a completely different part of the country, where I'm close to the beach but also lots of woodland for long walks. A place where I can purpose my hobbies, I can write my stories, read lots of books, learn to play my instrument, go wild swimming and paddle boarding. Sure, it's a pipe dream but when I imagine this future, if he's there, fine, but if he's not, that's fine too. That's what I want from life, regardless of whether he's there or not.

OP posts:

candide47 · 23/01/2021 00:18

Why not try to pursue your dream...you only live once.

Original poster

AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 00:21

@category12 Well, yes. I had some health scares back in the summer and a resulting breakdown, my second one. He was there and looked after me and got me out of a very dark place. And he's also the reason I finally sought help for my MH problems. But now I've had therapy and I'm on medication, it's like I'm me for the first time ever. I can see everything so clearly and for the past 24 years of my life, I've been living in a state of fear and anxiousness that's clouded my vision and judgement and held me back in so many areas. It's like I can see clearly now and finally start living to my full potential.

OP posts:

Lauren551 · 23/01/2021 00:23

You was 18 years old give your self a break and let go of the guilt , I think the fact you’ve felt so bad snows what a good person you are ,you’ve grown as a person and learnt from it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 00:25

[quote AllThirteen]@category12 Well, yes. I had some health scares back in the summer and a resulting breakdown, my second one. He was there and looked after me and got me out of a very dark place. And he's also the reason I finally sought help for my MH problems. But now I've had therapy and I'm on medication, it's like I'm me for the first time ever. I can see everything so clearly and for the past 24 years of my life, I've been living in a state of fear and anxiousness that's clouded my vision and judgement and held me back in so many areas. It's like I can see clearly now and finally start living to my full potential. [/quote]
And now you can see how vulnerable you were when your vision was clouded, it must have impacted how you see him. He took advantage of someone emotionally vulnerable and a lot younger - an adult only on paper and even then, barely. It's OK to find that uncomfortable and for it to change how you see his moral compass. Being looked after sounds like he is still very much the 'adult' and views you as the person in need of taking care of. Do you have financial independence? Has he encouraged you to have that? Has he encouraged you to leave / not join the workforce / develop skills that will make you more likely to gain employment in future? It's worth considering whether starting a relationship where the power / age imbalance was so skewed means that imbalance is still present.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2021 00:25

I can see everything so clearly and for the past 24 years of my life, I've been living in a state of fear and anxiousness that's clouded my vision and judgement and held me back in so many areas. It's like I can see clearly now and finally start living to my full potential.

You absolutely can do this, but not if you stay stuck in the same situation. Start living for yourself for a change. Don't let another seven years go by only to be filled with regret.

dyslek · 23/01/2021 00:34

Idid loads of dumb things when I was young. Most people have.

Scrunchy95 · 23/01/2021 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sickofit39 · 23/01/2021 01:01

@Scrunchy95

Sorry ‘AllThirteen’ (no woman would call themselves that btw) You are writing like a man who thinks he’s coming across as a woman, and some very lovely ladies are being nice. But please fuck off

😳 ????

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/01/2021 07:43

@Scrunchy95

Eh? That's a bit much. I don't think OP is coming across like a man. If you have issue with the thread, report it.

tootysweety · 23/01/2021 07:50

Do you look around the country and find places where you could live that dream life? Have you got a job? Could you get a job somewhere else?

Russell19 · 23/01/2021 07:51

I think the true reason for this thread is that OP feels guilty about wanting to leave after being the reason she split up a family.

StillGoingToWork · 23/01/2021 08:05

When I was 19 I had my first serious boyfriend who was ten years older though he told me he was only 5 years older. I found out when he left his passport on the kitchen table once. He knew I was a virgin when I met him and completely took advantage of my life inexperience in general. I looked past the lie because I thought I loved him. Then he finished with me suddenly after 18 months. I found out he had at least two other women on the go, and that he was wanted by the police. He was a totally entitled, manipulative piece of shit which unfortunately influenced my subsequent relationship with my now husband. (I won't go into the difficulties I have now with him)

If only we had the same mindset in our teens as we do now in our 30s/40s and older. Some men are just good at getting what they want with women. I know a lot of blokes who are decent but there are still too many who see an opportunity and take advantage. I don't blame OP at all in her case. Her partner is another manipulative wankpuffin of the worst type. Eugh.

Pyewhacket · 23/01/2021 08:19

@WouldstrokeTomHardy

Shit happens. Head up and tits out lass. Fuck em

Absolutely, couldn't have put it better.

AnitaB888 · 23/01/2021 08:27

Original poster

AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 08:53

@Scrunch95 why wouldn't a woman call themselves AllThirteen?! Weird. I'm not a man and I've been on this site for years. But thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 09:16

@tootysweety I do look, yes. Mostly online, on rightmove, google, maps, etc. But it's not a happening thing. I can't afford it any time soon. I do have a job but it's min wage.

OP posts:

ChimaeraEgg · 23/01/2021 09:40

I think the true reason for this thread is that OP feels guilty about wanting to leave after being the reason she split up a family.

She was a vulnerable, naive 18 year old. He was 30 year old man. You seriously need to give your head a wobble saying shit like this.

3rdNamechange · 23/01/2021 10:29

Sounds like you've grown out of him.
You only regret the things you didn't do , don't waste another 20 years if you're not hay

isitjustifyable · 23/01/2021 10:31

If it wasn't you it would of been someone else. Move on with your life (and don't do it again! 🤣)

Original poster

AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 12:14

Things are complicated now though.

OP posts:

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