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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was the OW...

83 replies

AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 22:10

And I'll always feel guilty.

I was eighteen years old. A virgin and had never had a relationship before.

I'll always feel tremendous guilt and if I could change the choices I made then I would.

And quite hypocritically, I now always judge those who have affairs extremely harshly.

Just wanted to get that off my chest as to this day, no one knows.

OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 22/01/2021 23:22

U sound angry though?

Original poster
AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 23:23

Twelve years older.

OP posts:
Codswallop20 · 22/01/2021 23:25

Do I know you? You write like a close friend of mine!

Do you like chicken in a basket???

Or chopped liver?

If this is who I think it is, text me.

ChimaeraEgg · 22/01/2021 23:26

That is a pretty significant age difference at that that age. It wouldn't be if you were in your mid thirties, but personally I think a 30 year old man pursuing at 18 year old is not a comfortable power balance at all. How long have you been together?

sickofit39 · 22/01/2021 23:28

You can't change this but you have obviously grown as a person. We all make mistakes and do things in our teens we wouldn't dream of doing today . I wouldn't trust my dh though if he cheated on someone to be with me . That's the drawback to this situation. Are ye solid ? Do you feel you can trust him ?
Forgive yourself and move forward x

Original poster
AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 23:28

@Codswallop20 What's chicken in a basket? I hate chopped liver. You don't know me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 23:30

Seven years now.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/01/2021 23:31

And are you happy in the relationship?

Pechanga · 22/01/2021 23:33

I was going to cone on here and say he was a sleeze, and took
Advantage of you...save your guilt and be angry at him rather.

But I see you're still with him Confused

I hope you're ok and he's not cheating on you now, you sound like a nice person.

Don't feel bad, you rescued his wife from someone who had no respect for her, she's so much better off without him. If I was her I'd be saying 'I dodged a bullet there!'

Look after yourself.

OnceIWasAnApe · 22/01/2021 23:34

Do you also feel that maybe he took advantage of you OP? I too have been the OW and it's my only regret. Everyone, but everyone was telling me that his wife was an abusive, jealous cow that made his life miserable and stupidly, I believed it. He left her and I got to know what had turned her into a paranoid, insecure wreck. I was bloody stupid but I don't think people appreciate the level of manipulation these men can operate at.

Codswallop20 · 22/01/2021 23:35

No probs OP, sounds very similar to the backstory of a friend of mine.

toocold54 · 22/01/2021 23:42

I don’t think being the OW you should ever feel guilty - as you are not the one in the wrong he is. Too many times the females get the blame when a man cheats.

However not many OW relationships are successful due to how they meet.
He will often cheat again and you won’t even be able to be upset about it as in his mind you are ok with it.

Sittingonabench · 22/01/2021 23:45

People had said MN was crazy tonight, I thought I’d missed it... apparently not

Original poster
AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 23:49

I think at the time he probably did take advantage of me. I met him in my first job fresh from school. I'd dropped out a few months before taking my exams due to having a breakdown. My Mum set me up with the job so I could pay her keep after I left School. I was new and didn't know anyone. I'd never had a boyfriend before or even any interest from anyone so when he began to flirt and then looked me up on social media and started chatting, I felt flattered. Had I been the type of person I am now, I'd have told him to do one. But I was so young and different back then. Very naive, lonely and probably vulnerable.

OP posts:
Trickyboy · 22/01/2021 23:49

FFS ... 18 ? I'm still cooking her supper and making her hot water bottle ..

You were a child !!!

You were NOT being unfaithful to ANYONE. The blame lies fairly and squarely with your ex.

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 22/01/2021 23:49

We’ve all done things were not particularly proud of, don’t beat yourself up. You were a young woman who was quite obviously fed BS. Hope you find peace x

Original poster
AllThirteen · 22/01/2021 23:52

And yes, he did say he wasn't happy at home, etc. Said he was neglected and unwanted by his Wife. She didn't make any effort anymore and he was lonely, etc. I felt sorry for him.

OP posts:
Dopo · 22/01/2021 23:56

So are you happy?

What happens when you get older and dont make an effort anymore and he's lonely?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2021 23:57

I think you're still dealing with these feelings because you're with a man you don't want to be with. You've stayed due to your guilt and it's eating you up inside. There is no way you can respect him when he clearly took advantage of you.

Original poster
AllThirteen · 23/01/2021 00:02

Well yes, now I'm older I can see everything clearly. They have several children, she raised them during the day and worked in the evenings, he worked all day and watched the children in the evenings. He only had one day off a week. It makes perfect sense that with children and jobs, money worries, etc. That they didn't have the same loved up relationship that they had at the beginning and time together fell by the wayside but that wasn't her fault.

I don't worry that he'll do the same to me, he may well do, but I can't, in all honesty, say that I'd be heartbroken if he did.

OP posts:
ChimaeraEgg · 23/01/2021 00:07

So he was predatory basically. It doesn't sound like you're happy in the relationship?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 00:08

I was so young and different back then. Very naive, lonely and probably vulnerable.

A 30 year old man pursuing an 18 year old who recently had a breakdown is particularly vile type of sleaze.

I think now that you are more mature you're starting to see how troubling and predatory his behaviour was then, which is making you relive what happened at the time and what kind of person that makes him.

If an 18 year old with a mental health crisis pursued me, the very last thing on my mind would be shagging them. Let alone the fact he was the one who found you on Facebook and pursued you.

I can't speak for him of course but he doesn't sound like a very decent guy.

Dopo · 23/01/2021 00:08

@AllThirteen

Well yes, now I'm older I can see everything clearly. They have several children, she raised them during the day and worked in the evenings, he worked all day and watched the children in the evenings. He only had one day off a week. It makes perfect sense that with children and jobs, money worries, etc. That they didn't have the same loved up relationship that they had at the beginning and time together fell by the wayside but that wasn't her fault.

I don't worry that he'll do the same to me, he may well do, but I can't, in all honesty, say that I'd be heartbroken if he did.

So why stay? You're young enough to find someone. It sounds like you're just ambling along. Are you ok?
toocold54 · 23/01/2021 00:10

It doesn't sound like you're happy in the relationship?

I agree.
Is that why you started this thread OP as you’re unhappy and subconsciously want a reason to end it?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2021 00:11

I don't worry that he'll do the same to me, he may well do, but I can't, in all honesty, say that I'd be heartbroken if he did.

Then why are you still there? What a tragic waste of your youth.

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