Why does he get so angry with me?

[Couch2Potato]

My boyfriend always accuses me of being "in a mood" after a disagreement, when it's him that is in one.

How can I productively respond to this?
How do I get over him repeating what I'm saying and pushing the fault on me?

If he's rude to me or gives me a dirty look, I'll quite often remove myself from the situation (like to another room or something) and am over it quickly. I'll then return my normal bubbly self!

Sometimes he'll ignore me and pretend I don't exist or give me one word answers, then later (or the next morning in some cases!) say "are you over your mood yet?". I'll respond with "What do you mean?" or "What mood?" or "I'm not in a mood?" and he gets angry with me...

If we progress with the conversation, I might say "Why didn't you acknowledge me all day?" and he will respond"Because you didn't acknowledge me all day".
So basically shifts all the blame on me

How do I avoid this "no, you're in a mood" ... "no you're the one who's ignoring me" stance!

Thank you

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. He's training you to walk on eggshells. He is also gaslighting you about your 'mood.

Dump and move on he’s abusing you gaslighting you. You’ll eventually get sick of him dump him anyway. Do it now before you have kids with him or your tied down to the abusive pain

How can I productively respond to this? You can leave him to his abusive ways while you run in the opposite direction...

How do you avoid him stonewalling and gaslighting you? You dump his arse OP.

OP, he is choosing to behave like this. It wouldn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, because you can’t control how he chooses to behave. The only thing you can do is not put up with it.

He’s not very nice. He would be no loss to you.

Couch

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your mum being treated like you are by your dad?.

Why are you and he together at all?. All he wants to do here now is drag you down and make you responsible for his moods.

He is angry because he is abusive, not abusive because he is angry. Shifting the blame to you aka taking no responsibility here for his actions is typical also of such abusive men. It was his choice to behave like this, you did not drive him to do so. His ignoring of you/sulking behaviour also here is an example of emotional abuse.

I would end the relationship asap, this is no life for you at all and such men also do not change. This is who he is and when someone shows you who they are you must believe them.

What's the point, honestly? Relationships help you, make you feel better, support you. This amount of introspection about it means it's not worth it.

Men like this as well can and do erode boundaries over time and I would think yours here are and indeed have been steadily eroded. You and he should not be together any longer, besides which your relationship is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you.

Why does he get so angry with me?

Because he’s an emotionally abusive asshole!

When was the last time your boyfriend brought you a bunch of flowers?

Don't subject yourself to this treatment for the rest of your life. It's not normal.

He's a nasty asshole.

You fix this by dumping him.

Do not willingly get involved with a possibly abusive twat.

Why would you put up with this.

Are you actively seeking out a really awful future?

Dump him.

You deserve better.

Thank you all for your answers, I'd never considered it to be emotional abuse! We do seem to be in these ruts at least 50% of the week.

To be fair to him, he's come home and is cooking me a dinner as we speak - I suspect from feeling guilty though... I asked him why he was cooking me dinner and the response was "well I won't bother then...." hahaah but he's still cooking.

How long have you been together, sounds like you live together, can he move back to where he came from. The fault is all his, won't your home be much better without him in it?

Break up with him

@Bananalanacake
Approaching 2 years - yes, we live together and his kids live with us at the moment (normally with Mum but she's a key worker).
I'm not sure he'd have any options outside of this home!

If you stay with him, after a while you'll start to believe that you are acting like you're in a mood, and start to go out of your way to act cheery and pacify him after every argument, even the ones he starts, even the ones that are completely illogical.

Soon he'll be able to get you to do what he wants with even the threat of an argument, because if you have one, even if he 'loses', you will end up being so emotionally drained because of the way he'll turn it around and make it your fault and make it out like you have to make it up to him.

Wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now.

It's good you don't have DC together. His housing options are not your problem, if a man makes you feel crap about yourself he is not worth it.

Please start your plan to leave , get yourself organised. He may be cooking a meal , but don’t forget he’ll be eating it too ! If your hesitant then keep a record of his behaviour. It will help you see how you want your future to look . If it’s more of the same , then crack on , if you want what you deserve... respect and someone who improves your days then change is needed . Good luck op

But I'm sure he's sometimes nice (look, he's cooking you dinner!) plus he's such a good father!

Honestly OP, it's the same playbook, every time.

Is it your own home, or are you renting? Can you leave easily or get him out?

Sounds like a real arsehole.

I'm not sure he'd have any options outside of this home!

Then why isn't he doing his best to keep it a comfortable and secure home?

This is classic projection. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his negative feelings and behaviour, so he projects them onto you.

So he's in a mood with you but he can't own those feelings, so he explains it away that he is responding to your (non-existent) bad mood. He's not talking to you but he can't own that either, so it's because you're not talking to him.

If he has good self-awareness it might be possible to make him see this pattern of behaviour in order to change it. However, the very fact he is projecting in this way suggests that he has a fragile ego and will struggle to accept any fault on his part. In which case you're on a bit of a hiding to nothing I'm afraid.

OP,
Whose home is it?

The worst thing you could do for yourself is to get pregnant and get stuck with him.

The anger would only increase as he would see you stuck.

This is who he is.
Get away.

Because he's a tosser.