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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he get so angry with me?

76 replies

Couch2Potato · 22/01/2021 16:23

My boyfriend always accuses me of being "in a mood" after a disagreement, when it's him that is in one.

How can I productively respond to this?
How do I get over him repeating what I'm saying and pushing the fault on me?

If he's rude to me or gives me a dirty look, I'll quite often remove myself from the situation (like to another room or something) and am over it quickly. I'll then return my normal bubbly self!

Sometimes he'll ignore me and pretend I don't exist or give me one word answers, then later (or the next morning in some cases!) say "are you over your mood yet?". I'll respond with "What do you mean?" or "What mood?" or "I'm not in a mood?" and he gets angry with me...

If we progress with the conversation, I might say "Why didn't you acknowledge me all day?" and he will respond"Because you didn't acknowledge me all day".
So basically shifts all the blame on me Sad

How do I avoid this "no, you're in a mood" ... "no you're the one who's ignoring me" stance!

Thank you

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 22/01/2021 18:16

He's not a nice person,move on x

category12 · 22/01/2021 18:44

He's emotionally abusive. Give him the elbow.

updownroundandround · 22/01/2021 18:45

@ Couch2Potato

I'm afraid there is no way to 'respond constructively' to him being an arsehole !

You are asking us to supply you with a 'method' or 'trick' to use to change your DP's bloody personality/ mind fuckery Hmm, which is impossible.

We can only suggest one way ( the only 100% foolproof one !)to make you feel good for the other 50% of the time..................... and that's to dump him, sharpish !

He is not a nice person (at all !!), and his 'bad' behaviour will just get worse over time.

Think about it, he's currently cooking a meal which you will both eat ??............big fuckin hairy deal !!!! How often do you do the same ?? And where's your fucking Standing Ovation and his Eternal Thanks for you ??

Exactly.

Why do we think men are 'nice' or 'good', just because they do an occasional bit of bloody cooking or cleaning ??

They most certainly do not think that we are fantastic for doing it, do they ??

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2021 18:48

Why are you putting up with this gaslighting fuckwit? Your relationship is extremely unhealthy. Kick the arsehole out.

tenlittlecygnets · 23/01/2021 09:09

50% of the week?? Dump him. Life's too short to live like this.

He's a controlling, gaslighting arse.

littlestrawby · 23/01/2021 09:13

Dump him. My husband is like this and I wish I'd never let it get this far.

category12 · 23/01/2021 09:16

"Why Does He Do That?" the book suggested above, is also available free to read online www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf.

SavoyCabbage · 23/01/2021 09:18

Why would you think that 50% of the time not being with someone who is horrible to you is a good deal? It definitely isn't.

The person who you choose to share your life with should treat you better than they treat anyone else. And that's not flowers. It's kindness and respect.

He's using you to house and care for him and his children.

Misskg1982 · 23/01/2021 09:19

My ex was exactly the same, he would always create and then find some way to turn it over to me. I was also always to blame for the smallest things. I didn't realise it at first but it really did start to effect me.
I use to ignore the blaming at first and just get on with it but in the end I use to think if it's going to be my fault here you go and would give it to him both barrels. I walked in the end as couldn't keep feeling shit for something that really clearly was his own issues. He couldn't see it and wouldn't leave me alone even when it was over, I had to block him on everything. But it was the best thing I did.
Towards the end I also would think what do I really mean to him cause why would you want to do that to someone you supposedly love. I truly believe now that he just doesn't have empathy.
Leave him cause you will in the long run or you will forever feel like the shit person whose putting on a show and that's really not a life. Best of luck.

Bunchup · 23/01/2021 09:21

It's not funny, OP.

He treats you like he hates you half the time, because if he treated you like that all the time you'd leave. He's not daft.

But he does hate you all the time. Even when he's cooking.

TSBelliot · 23/01/2021 09:23

You spend 50% of life like this. An hour a week is too long. I don’t think you have any idea what a good relationship is - you can chose to learn and have one. Where this arse lives is not your responsibility.

sickofit39 · 23/01/2021 09:23

Dump him .😡 life's too short to deal with this shit . He's an asshole and enjoys making you walk on eggshells x

Mischance · 23/01/2021 09:24

I am constantly amazed at the rubbish men that Mumsnetters live with - it begs the question: why are you living with him in the first place? If he is crap then ditch him.

I am aware that it is more complex where children are involved but why do people tolerate living with such people? No-one is obliged to have a partner - just get rid.

KarensChoppyBob · 23/01/2021 09:30

OP if it's not even yet 2 years and he's treating you this way already that's a massive line of red flags right there.

I made the mistake of lasting another 15 on top of that. It gets worse and worse.

Don't make the same mistake as me, life is too short.

KarensChoppyBob · 23/01/2021 09:32

Another vote for this brilliant book (quite literally saved my sanity).

Why does he get so angry with me?
Shoxfordian · 23/01/2021 09:40

He’s a knob, dump him

peak2021 · 23/01/2021 09:45

End the relationship. Not just for you but for the children's sake.

7yo7yo · 23/01/2021 09:47

Dump the fucker.
Raise your standards.
Recognise emotional abuse.

tara66 · 23/01/2021 09:51

Seems a sulky baby.

LawnFever · 23/01/2021 09:55

Why put up with living 50% of the rest of your life miserable?

Please take in what everyone’s saying OP, he’s an abusive manipulative waste of space.

Leave now, don’t have kids with him, live a happy life.

Dery · 23/01/2021 10:01

Hi OP - agreeing with PP - get rid - this is a bad relationship. And you’re only 2 years in. He’s using you for home comforts and childcare. Remember it usually takes a huge amount of provocation for a mother to end the relationship with the father of her children. She may well have ended it because she was fed up with his grumpy gaslighting.

Mix56 · 23/01/2021 10:40

Half the week.... so whilst he lives with you, with his DC, he gas lights & makes you ask how you solve this problem.
You solve it by saying, this relationship isn't working for me. & show him the door.
Not your problem where he goes. He created this situation, & all the empty promises in the world wont change him.

Cleverpolly3 · 23/01/2021 10:49

@StephenBelafonte

When was the last time your boyfriend brought you a bunch of flowers?
Quite a lot of abusive men actually do buy flowers after an episode. That’s no barometer of being treated decently necessarily. It can be part of a love bombing or guilt tripping campaign to reel the victim back in or make them feel responsible for helping fix the abusers problems which he conveniently acknowledges for all of as long until the victim capitulates
MorrisZapp · 23/01/2021 10:58

He's cooking a meal? Your gratitude for this suggests you think he's doing you a favour. Is he thrilled by the sight of you cooking?

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