Why does he get so angry with me?

[Couch2Potato]

My boyfriend always accuses me of being "in a mood" after a disagreement, when it's him that is in one.

How can I productively respond to this?
How do I get over him repeating what I'm saying and pushing the fault on me?

If he's rude to me or gives me a dirty look, I'll quite often remove myself from the situation (like to another room or something) and am over it quickly. I'll then return my normal bubbly self!

Sometimes he'll ignore me and pretend I don't exist or give me one word answers, then later (or the next morning in some cases!) say "are you over your mood yet?". I'll respond with "What do you mean?" or "What mood?" or "I'm not in a mood?" and he gets angry with me...

If we progress with the conversation, I might say "Why didn't you acknowledge me all day?" and he will respond"Because you didn't acknowledge me all day".
So basically shifts all the blame on me

How do I avoid this "no, you're in a mood" ... "no you're the one who's ignoring me" stance!

Thank you

Absolutely MorrisZapp.

I had a boyfriend like this years ago. I'm so glad the relationship ended. What a waste of life

His ex is probably wondering when you are going to realise what he's like and dump him

OP, just to check, you're not reading through all the replies thinking, "Oh dear, I've clearly portrayed my partner in an unfairly negative way in my original post for people to be so harsh and dramatic, they don't know him like I do - they've never seen his good side or all the little things he does for me," are you?

He's not with the mother of his children for a reason. If he used these gaslighting tactics on her, then end it with him

I don't think lundy bankrofts book is the best read for the op right now. Bankroft worked with the extreme of the extreme and that book may just make op think 'oh well at least he isnt that bad'.

However, 'Lundy bankrofts 9 types of abusers' (Google it) would definately be worth a read.

It's called the cycle of abuse op. They switch between mean and nice (or nicer than mean at least). Part of it is to headfuck you into thinking 'oh well maybe it's not that bad...maybe I was overreacting...maybe...maybe I'm the one with the problem'. Soon you cant think straight at all. Get out of there! Run!

Dont waste any more time on this loser

I was with someone like this over 20 years ago now.

Your account of the way you are being treated really reminded me of how my ex was and I can tell you now that it will just get worse as time goes on. He was an utter control freak.

Please get out as soon as possible.

'I'm not sure he'd have any options outside of this home!'

This tells a huge story in itself..

I'm getting a little bit confused here because I don't feel like he is a bad guy but I agree with the majority of your views above...

He cooked me a meal, and I said I felt he was doing it out of guilt.
He then asked me when was the last time I did something nice for him.. because he buys me flowers but I couldn't think of an answer.

Another thing - I express frustration that he doesn't converse with me - one word answers and stuff. I've always been a chatty girl which I guess can be annoying but I like talking and discussing topics!
When I don't have conversations, he uses this frustration against me. And says he's upset because I'm not interested in having a conversation with him or I don't seem interested in him at all... GRRR

@sararh

I am thinking that now I'm out of my "mood", is that a good or bad thing?!

Whose house is it, yours or his?

@PeppermintSoda

Well, when we first got together I thought she was horrid.
I've heard their phone calls and seen how she acts around the kids and him, and she is nasty! So I originally thought he was the victim.

As time goes on, I've grown to learn that whilst she is nasty, it's the way he talks to people that aggravates them. He has this superiority attitude and tone... yet when you talk to him about it, he gets upset that I'm not on his side, or lists the reasons off that he's the victim etc.

@pinkyredrose

It's a home rented from my family, whom I have a good relationship with

Is this how you want to live your life OP? With a partner who gets angry with you because you object to being blamed for his moods when he projects onto you? I've been with my DH for over 20 years and he's never been angry with me, not once. Raise you bar! You're worth more than this.

Well chuck him out then. Tell him you're no longer prepared to be spoken to like dirt.

At worst he sounds like an abusive idiot. At best it could just be that you are incompatible. Either way it's not good.

What are the positives to your relationship? Do you see yourself putting up with this shitty behaviour for the next 10, 20, 30 years? Would you want to?

You know, you don't have to put up with this. He and his kids can move elsewhere.

I don't think these comments are sinking in Op.

The interactions you describe are emotional abuse. It's that simple. He ignores you, belittles you, criticises you and makes you doubt yourself... are you annoying him? What have you done wrong?.. It's all him feeling superior and having power in the relationship. He will erode your confidence.

One day you'll wake up and realise you hate him and I hope you still have enough of your bubbly self confidence left to leave.

Sorry if that sounds dramatic but your description here of your relationship has Massive Red Warning Flags all over it. You will regret ignoring them.

@SmileyClare

I don't think these comments are sinking in Op.

The interactions you describe are emotional abuse. It's that simple. He ignores you, belittles you, criticises you and makes you doubt yourself... are you annoying him? What have you done wrong?.. It's all him feeling superior and having power in the relationship. He will erode your confidence.

One day you'll wake up and realise you hate him and I hope you still have enough of your bubbly self confidence left to leave.

Sorry if that sounds dramatic but your description here of your relationship has Massive Red Warning Flags all over it. You will regret ignoring them.

This OP.

Why would you settle for such an awful man when you clearly can get him out.

He is awful.

This reminds me of channel 4's I Am Nicola about a coercive husband. He was constantly asking her "Are you ok? You seem a bit off." to the point that she began to doubt herself. Of course, it was all part of a general behaviour of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

Your DP sounds very similar...

Yeah hopefully this has made Op question things.

I could have written a post like ops in my twenties, maybe I would have brushed off people warning me about my partner. Emotional abuse can be subtle and makes you doubt yourself because the relationship is really good sometimes

It took me far too long to realise abusive men have a nice side; charming, likeable, good company, I mean he could be the perfect boyfriend.

I ended up treading on egg shells, trying not to trigger his moods, his derisive comments, his silent treatment and he convinced me it was my fault if he brushed me off or belittled me, I talked too much, my opinions were silly, he didn't like my friends, he got pissed off if he thought I wasn't paying him enough attention or accused me of not listening to things he'd said.

It's soul destroying and I don't think my confidence ever recovered. Anyway, hopefully my experience can be a warning to Op. I put up with it for far too long.

[quote Couch2Potato]@sararh

I am thinking that now I'm out of my "mood", is that a good or bad thing?![/quote]
It's a bad thing, because you're questioning how you feel and continuing to use his terminology and see the world and your own emotions through his lens. It's not a good situation to be in, OP.

Everyone here is right.
It won’t get better.
Get rid of the manipulative cunt now before you’re further tied to him by marriage or kids.
Do it.

“Tone fair, he’s come home and he’s cooking me dinner”

To be fair? Does cooking dinner cancel out all the misery, confusion, self-doubt and low self esteem he causes you? The negativity, the rows, the tears, housing his damn kids?!

He’s not a good guy because he can boil a potato. That’s how adult humans eat. It’s basic. Do you think he’s humbling himself by cooking? It’s clear by the conversation you had at the time that it’s not a regular occurrence.
He doesn’t get to abuse you because he made your dinner.

Ugh just reading the dialogue is pissing me right off. Call his ex in private and ask her about this. Everyone on this thread are telling you that he's abusing you and it seems you're not really getting it.

OP how old are you and him? You say you are a bubbly girl which stands out to me because he is literally gaslighting you into believing you're moody. Truth is he can't stand you being bubbly and easy going do he is using 50% of the time to make you miserable until you're so broken that his job is done. He wants you at his mercy.

Find out about his family background. It will be very telling. Analyse his interactions with his parents, ask his ex about him.

But otherwise run a mile. Life's too precious to be dealing with a twat. I mean who the fuck even asks "when was the last time you did something nice for me". His cooking a meal doesn't do jack shit. Especially when it's his job to feed his kids.