Romance

[NeedRomance11]

Is there romance is your relationship?
Does anyone have someone who is passionate about them ?
Anyones like in the movies ?
Or is it really just not like that 😕

I really don't want it anymore tbh. "Romance" is basically a storm of hormones initiated by your brain when it thinks it has found someone it thinks would be a good DNA donor for potential offspring. It's enjoyable, for sure, but its utterly illusory and utterly unsustainable.

I had it with my ex. It was so important to them, they left me after ten years because "the thought they would go through the rest of their life never experiencing that first heady flush of romance with someone new again again was enough to drive them insane" (their words btw). Nice of them to marry and start a family before they realised this, but, hey, their mutual crush was apparantly "the catalyst" for this discovery and I should be grateful for the good times we had. No hard feelings, eh?

Depends what you mean by "romance". Do you want big dramatic flowery gestures? What do you mean by passion? Rolling around kissing in the waves like in a movie or lusty copulation ? People will interpret what you're asking differently.

What does it mean to you? What's meaningful to you/what's missing for you?

Yea like the odd flowers here n there or arranging a night away ( obviously covid permitting )
And passion like u wanna rip there clothes off soon as look at them

Yes, loads of romance but there has been lots of romance with all my relationships. Some lasted longer than others.

I have a very romantic DH and it’s not always in the ways you think, yes he buys me a few cheap bunches of flowers a week, but he also gets up every morning and makes my lunch and a coffee. And he rubs my poor old arthritic back every night, and buys my favourite flavour crisps, and leaves me little notes, and will text me that he misses me literally the minute he’s dropped me off. He is perfect. He also does his fair share of housework and childcare, which quite frankly, gives me the fanny gallops

Sadly not. We have never been an overtly romantic couple in the sense of buying flowers/gifts, PDAs etc, and that's never bothered me.

Unfortunately over the past ten years or so our sex life has dwindled, and we barely go near each other anymore (down to about once a month) We muddle along and get on ok, don't really argue or anything, but the lack of physical and emotional connection makes me sad. I used to push it and make the first move all the time, but I got fed up of feeling like I was a pest so I made myself stop chasing him. As I suspected would happen, we stopped having any affection at all between us.

We aren't very good at communicating either, issues tend to get swept under the carpet. I expect if anyone asked him, he would say he loved me, but he doesn't really show it in any romantic sense. I find it hardest if we are watching a film or drama on tv with a married couple on it who've been married for years but clearly adore each other, it brings it home to me what's missing from our relationship.

@yearinyearout you sound very sad is there some way you can raise this with your OH? Some couples therapy could really help. Why wait for something "really bad" to happen before taking the bull by the horns? I recognise so much of what you've written (at the 10 year mark too) and we are struggling with the results of my OH's bad decision making in a similar context. This has made reconnecting all the harder. You've experienced enough to know you're not happy as things stand. Don't let this dwindle on, don't let it get worse. Chances are your OH feels similarly, though depending on his personality he may not be processing things in such a conscious way as you are (sorry, male emotions stereotyping here, but this has been a key issue in my personal experience and the anecdote may resonate). You both need to work on your communication so you can reconnect and undo/prevent further damage. It's very salvageable. Admitting things aren't quite right and seeking to fix them is truly an act of love. I hope you find a positive way out of this.

At the 10 year mark, but an older relationship ( in our 40's/50's) and while the traditionally romantic gestures may have decreased, the passion and attraction is still there for sure. We still do random gifts, or getting little moments if one goes somewhere without the other, or just little things to show we are thinking of each other. We do live together apart, I have a child from a previous relationship who I share custody with, so half the week I live with DP, the other at home with DS. We are tactile and can happily say I still fancy the pants off him and vice versa.
I am well aware how lucky I am, but in my defense I did my share of the dickheads before I got here ha ha

@NameChanged294749 my DH is the kind of man that assumes all is fine as long as we aren't at loggerheads. He was brought up in a family that didn't do affection at all, and I've no doubt this has left its mark on him.

At the moment we are in the position of having the dc back living here due to lockdown, which gives us no space to have emotional crisis talks I'm afraid, and counselling isn't really doable either. I have no doubt that if I were to hug him/kiss him he wouldn't push me away, but as I've said I got fed up of feeling like I was forcing myself on him. Same with sex, once I stopped bothering, it started petering out. When it does happen I feel like he's doing it out of pity/to do me a favour.

He also does his fair share of housework and childcare, which quite frankly, gives me the fanny gallops

He does sound lovely and I'm glad you're happy but just a reminder to others that the bit I've bonded here really should be the minimum we expect from a partner - doing their fair share.

I understand lots of men don't but we need to start expecting it as standard and not giving an adult with children too much of a pat on the back for doing their fair share of adulting and parenting.

To the PP who wrote the bit I quoted I'm not having a go, just to clarify, just reminding others that it is something that should be expected rather than be grateful for.

Bit I've bolded that was meant to say.

Most romance in the movies is almost entirely couples getting together, rather than long-term couples. Which is probably quite realistic when it comes to things like wanting to rip off clothes, or presenting red roses.

The movies are usually quite pessimistic about couples that have been together longer, but the few good relationships are usually more like what @baileys6904 describes - little signs that you could almost overlook but are actually very touching.

Has your dp ever been romantic in either way?

Yes, he sends me romantic texts/WhatsApp and also filthy ones, we do battle with gifs too!
he does housework and looks after admin more than I do, buys flowers and little cakes so we can have coffee together during WFH, looks after my aged mum’s admin and shopping, and sends her flowers just from him sometimes (my mum is besotted as he is also very charming and handsome so she loves showing off to her pals!).

He compliments me in passing, just a smile and an eyebrow waggle sometimes, when I go to my mums and stay over (bubble, she is 91 and has cancer) he always meets me at the station so delighted to see me, sweeps me up and dances with me in the street when he’s happy, holds my hand.... I am much less demonstrative but I do my best to randomly tell him how much I love him.

We reduce each other to helpless giggles often - he does take the piss out of himself with the ott gestures.

Most important though is the non-gropey cuddle in the night when I’m worried, the cuppa without a word by my laptop when I’m in a long meeting, the gin and a bath run when I need alone time. He notices how I feel, what I’m saying or not saying. I try to be the same, just the hand in the dark when he needs it and the practical little gesture of comfort/support as well as big soppy ones.

Holding my hair when I’m being sick, putting me in the shower and washing my hair when I’m really depressed, and cleaning up when I had a bad bleed overnight. That’s actually really what’s romantic to me.

@Italiangranny he sounds wonderful!

I always say I'm not romantic but I'm loving. I don't like flowery gestures but every day life involves small acts of love. Dh and I smile at each often, buy gifts if we see things the other will love, we laugh a lot. I see romance as gazing into each others eyes over a candlelit meal, whereas I'd prefer a burger and a belly laugh. Plus the passion is still there, that's a biggy.

@yearinyearout he is and I don’t deserve him (I kissed a lot of frogs....) but I had to gradually become more open about feelings and gestures because he is. I’d add he is also the most irritating man sometimes....!
It’s difficult and I feel exposed when he asks me to talk because it’s not my nature but it is a very strong relationship as a result of me stepping out of my comfort zone and him having learnt to let me come round to talking at my own pace.
I’d never say it was effortless and I hope so much that you can persuade your DH to compromise just a little and help you see what might be salvageable. You sound so sad so sending a hand hold to you. 💐

Gosh, you are lucky @Italiangranny

Loads - he buys me little gifts, tells me he loves me/I’m gorgeous, is physically very affectionate, wants to gaze into my eyes during sex..... But we have only been together 6 months, and I’m experienced enough to know this sometimes fades out. Fingers crossed not this time, but who knows.

DH does the little token thing, bars of chocolate are the usual. He gets up and defrosts my car even though he is now retired (early) and SAHP. Runs me a bath. Brings me coffee and toast in bed on the days I don’t work. Lots of little gestures that show he still cares.
Our latest giggle, with lockdown spontaneous relaxed sex is impossible with DS at home 24/7, we’ve realised that he likes a long shower everyday so “he’s in the shower” is our new cue.
This prolonged confinement has also let us see how our future retirement will go, we are getting on far better than when we were both working flat out. I still work part time but I’m conscious that DH is not getting any other social interaction so we spend more time chatting in the evening.
We had a blip early on in the first lock when boredom led DH down a social media rabbit hole. He took the bait of an ancient ex to reconnect which ended in tears. We’ve both learned from it and have realised that we have to talk more and resent less. I actually think it has been a good experience in a weird way because we both realised how we had drifted into taking each other for granted.
I see lots of elderly couples through work, most are still very much in love in a longterm relationship sort of way. Watching one 80+ couple walking down the path, outside work, hand in hand brought a tear to my eye. The way they care about each other, enjoy gently taking the mick out of each other and the subtle gestures such as the husband holding the wife’s bag or helping each other to stand or with a coat is truly lovely to see after so many years together.

I forgot to add, the growl of desire, he still does it after 28 yrs together. Takes me straight back to when we were in the first stages of our relationship.

@angrymum22 can I ask how you have managed to gave this positive outlook despite the ex/FB blip? Something similar happened with my OH during the first lockdown too - taking bait from a colleague/indulging her overfamiliarity because he liked the attention. Cue tears from both of us and lots of damaged trust/uncertainty. I'm finding it really hard to let go all this time later as he tried to cover it up at first, though he is making huge effort at the moment to undo the damage... lots of reflecting, loving gestures, etc. I'm impressed with your "water off a duck's back" approach and wish I could channel some of that.

I always say I'm not romantic but I'm loving.

This is what I'm looking for...I don't need flowers or grand gestures, but I do need a hug, a touch when I walk by, a kiss goodnight. I get none of that. He's not a bad person. He'll make me a cup of tea, buy cakes I like when he sees them in the shop etc, scrape my car on a cold day. He's not totally thoughtless, but I do feel emotionally lonely.

It was hard and I was very much still in your shoes before Christmas but DH has not avoided talking about the issue. He is very tuned into my moods and when I was having weekly meltdowns made time to talk it through. His ancient ex maintained that she was just catching up with an old friend but her behaviour since he stopped contact suggests otherwise. He is an attractive man, and has always attracted the attention of other women throughout our relationship, I have never doubted his fidelity before but this was his first love and it just felt different.
DH hasn’t tried to over compensate and has just let me work through it. It’s probably quite a different situation than if it was someone totally new.
I realised that things were more normal when we had a row last week that had nothing to do with the EA nor did I use it as ammunition. It was just a normal row. The fact we were both confident to yell at each other was a relief. DH felt that he had proved to me he wanted me, over the last 6months, but wasn’t confident that I still wanted him ( not the subject of the row by the way, that was just a common or garden domestic disagreement).
I don’t really know but I just don’t feel threatened anymore. Having processed every option I know that I can cope with or without him.

Passion yes
Romance no.
We are not the romance type either of us.
Passion, loving gestures, cuddles, fluffy stuff, all yes.

"Surprise weekend away" hasn't got the admin skills but happy to let me book and organise anything I like.

Thanks @Angrymum22, really good to hear you are no longer feeling threatened. Well done your OH for fixing it for you.