Fabswingers. Full of cheats!!

[MrsBerthaRochester]

Lurked on Mumsnet for years but was inspired by another thread to join to share my experience. Met a guy on Tinder and chatted for a few months. Eventually hooked up a couple of months later. Did the deed a couple of times then he goes AWOL.
I join Fabswingers on the recommendation of a friend as am just looking for no strings fun after a very long marriage. The very first profile I click on is this same guy(I recognise his photos)
This starts a period of on and off hook ups over two years. He always came to mine as he said he had flatmates and he didn't want them to know he was on site. I was on his Facebook and had also been to his work a few times( a bar)
I last met him the week before we went into the first lockdown. Two weeks after that I find out he is not single at all but lives with his girlfriend and her kids and has done the entire time!!
Thereafter follows a period of a few months where he withers begs me not to tell/swears he won't do it again or acts as if we could still carry on. I eventually tell the girlfriend (after she contacts me asking how I know him) She promptly blocks me and they are still together.
I still have the rage and want to hurt this man badly but I also still feel horribly guilty. Should I? Or is it my own fault as I should have known men on such sites are likely to be lying cheating scumbags?

I have been on Fab in the past and actually found it to be one of the most honest sites around! Very open with a very grown up attitude to sex.
The OP wanted a no strings hook up with a SINGLE MAN, unfortunately she picked a lying arse, it has nothing to do with Fab, they are everywhere. As people have said if it matters then you need to do your due diligence.
And as per other comments single men do use it.

I agree with @MrsBerthaRochester, openness and honesty are always important, if anything especially when a relationship is casual because of the increased risk of pitfalls involved.
Not just enabling a cheat and putting a family at risk, someone who doesn't really want casual and is hoping for more can also cause a lot of pain.

No need to feel guilty though, it sounds like you took reasonable steps to check out his story.
He's a scumbag and you've every right to feel angry.

I started this thread and Im still pissed off but slightly less so. He is back on the site but being far more discrete(or so he thinks) and the gf either is turning a blind eye.
I am still on the site although havent met anyone since but have seen people I know who met on it as singles get married.
Its still all the same guys on there who are on Tinder so beware :)

@MrsBerthaRochester

I started this thread and Im still pissed off but slightly less so. He is back on the site but being far more discrete(or so he thinks) and the gf either is turning a blind eye. I am still on the site although havent met anyone since but have seen people I know who met on it as singles get married. Its still all the same guys on there who are on Tinder so beware :)

How do you know he's back on the site?

Pretty sure my ex is on that site or similar as I once noticed an email from a swinging site to an email account we shared and it referenced a profile name for him that was very relevant to our life at the time. Sometimes when I'm feeling nosey I think about joining the site to scope him out but then I think CBA as he's a wanker.

I recognised him from photos!! He never puts face pics on but I know exactly what his body looks like...intimately! Plus it's a very small scene where I am and people chat. He is an even bigger tool than I thought if he thinks won't be caught again but perhaps doesn't care?

Try clubs, OP. You can't absolutely guarantee that there are no cheats but it's much less likely, and it's closer to the old fashioned way of finding partners; no need to look through bad profiles or try to scope each other out before meeting. You can ascertain if there's chemistry much more easily.

My ex was on there when we were together but I didn’t find out until after we broke up. He is now married, and still active on there. I assumed this was a common thing.

If you suspect your partner is on there and know there username/details then pm me. I'm happy to go snooping and catch more lying,cheating shits out.

I am with you OP.

Dont lie! I hooked up with a guy who was on there with a couples profile. So had a girlfriend but lied to me, and to her as she didn't know about me even though they were swingers.

I had been to his house too.

I don't think its unreasonable to want to hook up with genuinely single/honest people. Sadly cheaters are everywhere.

Fromablokespoint I agree - there are cheats on all the dating sites - I have found Fab to be much more open. I have married men/couples message me - I politely decline, and they thank me and move on. I have met a few men on there who have turned out to want more than sex which I didn't want. My current friend is from there - I have been to his house and he has been to mine. We are both genuinely single. We go out to restaurants - have met a few of each other's friends - it suits us both at the moment. Yes I have chatted to a few who were obviously in a relationship - I steer clear of the cannot accommodate ones and those who only chat on the phone when obviously not at home. They just need weeding out - just the same the more perceived 'normal' sites.

Surely him ghosting you the first time was an indication that something wasn't right? ?

He's a bullshiter, she's a mug - such is life 🤷‍♀️

Getting your knickers in a twist about it will get you nowhere.. move on.

There's no more men on fab cheating than any other site. Even if men were listed as separated, I asked if their wife knew they were separated. Add a note in your bio about only wanting single / divorced men and then also check when you start to talk to them.

I found men on fab to be more respectful of what I was looking for than on any other site.

OP I get exactly what you're saying, despite the sanctimonious only being able to see as far as their own nose.

You wanted something as a single woman, fun, hassle free. You met a man who led you to believe he was in the same situation.

Because he's a liar, you've been having sex with someone's partner. With three children involved. You've been unwittingly allowing someone to "cheat" with you. I absolutely get why you're furious. I would never engage with someone who had a partner, for a multitude of reasons, but mostly moral. To find out I had been tricked into doing something so intimate, that I would absolutely not have done if I knew the truth, would enrage me too. I would also feel guilty, regarding her. Because now you're aware you've been part of his cheating. You're feeling all the shitty things that a cheat feels, (or should feel, most probably don't.)

You don't know what he's told her. The fact he's on there already again, this fast, means he's a c*nt who has no respect for her. You've shown her your evidence already. You've done enough, it's her choice what she does with that information. You can lead a horse to water and all that...

Forget him. And her. But allow yourself to get over this feeling of being disgusted in your own time. It's a valid feeling. What can you do to make yourself feel better instead? Out for a nice meal, spur of the moment tonight? Book a haircut? Is there something you can treat yourself to to signify the close of this horrible chapter and moving forward positively?

I've never been on the site but I think I'd assume that any dating site had their fair share of attached people on it, looking to cheat, and a site specifically for casual sex would be even more likely than others to, given that it would make it easier for them to rationalise the cheating to themselves.

Just do your due diligence next time if you only want no strings with unattached people, since a lot of attached people are going to jump at the prospect of no strings.

Some posters seem to find it hard to grasp that no strings attached means I cannot have some caveats and one of those was no married or attached men. Yes I was a mug for believing his bullshit but I'm still fuming that I was painted as the scarlet woman(her sister called me a horrible bitch) while he gets to carry on his lovely life.

I also gave him money for taxis and I believed he was only working part time in a bar. Yup I'm that much of a fool! It's essentially left me feeling like a prostitute. I honestly believe that his behaviour should be viewed as abusive. He had sex with me under entirely false circumstances,manipulated me and lied through his teeth. Oh and also coerced me into putting my sexual health at risk. Prick.

@MrsBerthaRochester

If you suspect your partner is on there and know there username/details then pm me. I'm happy to go snooping and catch more lying,cheating shits out.

pmd you

So if she dumped him after your revelation woukd you have got with him?

I absolutely understand you being upset if you've been painted out to be the other woman, but as there still together the gf clearly wasn't too bothered.

If it's not bothering her, don't let it bother you!

However, the fact that you're so upset and enraged at the fact he has a gf makes me wonder if you felt more for him than you'd like to admit and he crossed the "no strings" line?

One thing that worried me was when you said that he had a gf you were concerned he'd put your sexual health at risk. Surely, even if you meet someone who IS single on a website like this and only have a casual, no strings arrangement you would still use protection?

Why do you feel like a prostitute when it's him who has sex for loose change! 🚕

It's better for you to drop the bitterness and focus on how to vet future partners more closely. Any warning signs or descrepancies (ghosting and you and unprotected sex being a couple of examples) drop like a hot potato.

*Ghosting you and unprotected sex

He was dishonest and treated you badly. But it’s a really long time to still be so angry about it - 9 months? It’s time to move on. Block him and any future incarnations of his on FS and better luck in future, I hope you find a genuinely single partner.