Fabswingers. Full of cheats!!

[MrsBerthaRochester]

Lurked on Mumsnet for years but was inspired by another thread to join to share my experience. Met a guy on Tinder and chatted for a few months. Eventually hooked up a couple of months later. Did the deed a couple of times then he goes AWOL.
I join Fabswingers on the recommendation of a friend as am just looking for no strings fun after a very long marriage. The very first profile I click on is this same guy(I recognise his photos)
This starts a period of on and off hook ups over two years. He always came to mine as he said he had flatmates and he didn't want them to know he was on site. I was on his Facebook and had also been to his work a few times( a bar)
I last met him the week before we went into the first lockdown. Two weeks after that I find out he is not single at all but lives with his girlfriend and her kids and has done the entire time!!
Thereafter follows a period of a few months where he withers begs me not to tell/swears he won't do it again or acts as if we could still carry on. I eventually tell the girlfriend (after she contacts me asking how I know him) She promptly blocks me and they are still together.
I still have the rage and want to hurt this man badly but I also still feel horribly guilty. Should I? Or is it my own fault as I should have known men on such sites are likely to be lying cheating scumbags?

Etiquette on Fab is to be open about whether you are married/attached and if so, whether your partner is aware you’re on the site or not. It’s then up to the other party to decide if they are willing to go ahead or not. Of course there are arseholes on there who don’t follow the etiquette, it’s frowned upon by genuine swingers.

@MrsBerthaRochester - absolutely agree with you. Unfortunately having delved into FW as apart of a research subject (yes, seriously) I learnt a lot about people. Mainly how compartmentalised they live their lives. I went even further into my research but ultimately if you want no commitment , how can you judge.

@ComtesseDeSpair - has nailed it.

[quote CryingHelps]@MrsBerthaRochester - absolutely agree with you. Unfortunately having delved into FW as apart of a research subject (yes, seriously) I learnt a lot about people. Mainly how compartmentalised they live their lives. I went even further into my research but ultimately if you want no commitment , how can you judge.[/quote]
Wanting no commitment sex =/= having no morals or cheating. Conflating the two is insulting.

Wanting no commitment means I cannot judge? Absolute rubbish. Wanting casual sex does not make me a woman with loose morals!

I dont understand the point of this thread im not sure what you are so pissed off about. If you were looking for a relationship and he was telling you he did too then I can understand it but you said you were just looking for sex.
You got just that.
Yeah, he was an arse for cheating but that's his issue not yours. You did the right thing and told his gf, she decided to stay with him, thats now her problem not yours, if you can honestly say you had no idea of him being in a relationship then you have nothing to guilty about.
Why you have the rage and want to hurt him I don't get. Unless you're not being completely honest and hoped you would get a a bit more than casual sex out of it. Was you hoping she would kick him out and he'd come to you? .

@MrsBerthaRochester

Seeking casual sex on such a site does not mean I deserved to be lied to and duped. I wanted to have no strings attached with another single person. Not a liar and cheat.

Read that back and think about it.

What does no strings attached mean?

@MrsBerthaRochester I think the point is that someone who finds it easy to compartmentalise their personal lives in that way, and is only focused on the self centred pleasure seeking part of sex, and not on the relationship aspect which is also focused on the good of another person, would naturally find it easier to cheat. Obviously doesn't mean that everyone on that site is cheating.

That guy shouldn't have lied to you but at the end of the day that behaviour isn't surprising at all so not sure why it warrants a thread. Men lie on normal dating sites, let alone swinging sites. If someone is just seeking to use someone else for the purpose of no strings sex, it's common sense that they're unlikely to care about anything else as long as they get the sex they want. No one is saying he was right to lie (it's appalling what he's done, deceiving his girlfriend), I think some posters are just baffled why you seem shocked by it.

I think if I hadn't mentioned Fabswingers the responses on this thread night have been quite different....
Anyway I'm not sorry I spilled the beans to his gf as as least it gave her heads up to get an sti test and hopefully it will mean he will never get away with it again because she will be watching him like a hawk.

Remember that on fab it’s like 100 dicks to 1

An interesting turn of phrase.

What did you think swingers meant?

^

LOL

Or is it my own fault as I should have known men on such sites are likely to be lying cheating scumbags?

Oh you mean the kind of men and women who get reviews left about by their performances by other people and then you can look at those people's reviews where they recommend them etc and on and on ? Of course you are going to find loyal loving people on there . You did say you wanted no strings sex so what is your problem if he is married ? He's hardly going to get the feels for you .

Found out my ex was on this site when we were together. Now he’s with another ‘love of his life’ and he’s back on there again. Of course he’s saying he’s single. He’s disgusting.

I wonder if you made this thread in the hope other women will just pile on how bad he is. Yes his behaviour is bad but we have to take responsibility for our own choices because we women are also adults. We have to accept that some of our choices are more likely to lead to us getting hurt than others. There's a reason why most women don't go on those sorts of sites. Men are on there just looking for female bodies to have sex with so it's bleeding obvious they won't treat you with respect and many will just say/do what they need to to get you in bed. End of.

In your case there were also clear red flags in the way he treated you before the swinging site was even mentioned. The key lesson you should take away from this is working on your boundaries and self esteem.

The problem is I don't want to be a party to someone else being received. I initially met him on Tinder. How many are on there claiming to be single but are not?

I don't think you understand what people are saying.

If I wanted a wholesome, faithful, forever relationship, I wouldn't go on a swingers site to find it because odds are, he wouldnt be there.
Ergo, the men on there are also not looking for wholesome forever relationships on there. If that's the case, there's usually a reason, not single, commitmophobe, player etc.
Knowing that, if you decided to form a relationship no matter how casual with come one off there, you know the type of man you are doing so with. I'm not sure therefore you can be overly shocked when he turns out to be one of those types.

Now you can chose whatever site you want to, whichever suits you need, just chose your outlet. It soukds like you caught feelings and got burnt. No one deserves to be cheated on, but I just think that it could have been foreseen a little more based on the medium

@MrsWindass

Or is it my own fault as I should have known men on such sites are likely to be lying cheating scumbags?

Oh you mean the kind of men and women who get reviews left about by their performances by other people and then you can look at those people's reviews where they recommend them etc and on and on ? Of course you are going to find loyal loving people on there . You did say you wanted no strings sex so what is your problem if he is married ? He's hardly going to get the feels for you .

You can want to have sex outwith a traditional relationship without also wanting to be the catalyst in the destruction of somebody else’s marriage It’s also perfectly possible to be honest, loyal, trustworthy and a thoroughly decent person whilst also wanting a sexual relationship which doesn’t lead to having to be together and get married.

No wonder so many young women are fucked up about sex and sexuality, if this is the sort of presumptive nonsense they hear about sex and relationships.

Anyway revenge is a dish best served cold.... Thanks for the responses.

You wanted no strings fun, you got what would have been no strings fun if you hadn’t caught the feels - which you clearly have if you’ve got the rage and want to hurt him. Forget him and move on. Maybe reevaluate if it’s actually no strings fun you want, or something more.

I would like to say Im surprised by the misogynistic replies focusing on how I got what I deserved for daring to be on a casual sex site but sadly I'm not.

I can assure you no feels were caught. I did not want a relationship with this man or any other. That does not mean I deserved to be lied to and made a party to cheating.

In reply to MrsWindass,Fab is full of loving married couples who choose to open their relationship. It's also where a lot of them meant. The vast majority of them do not condone or wish to be party to folk cheating on their partners.

It’s also perfectly possible to be honest, loyal, trustworthy and a thoroughly decent person whilst also wanting a sexual relationship which doesn’t lead to having to be together and get married

Of course it is but in the context of Fabswingers ? A throughly decent person doesn't hop from woman to couple to woman whatever with them all discussing their performance in public . Now that is fucked up .

If people want to open up their relationships that is entirely up to them. If folk want to meet men/women/couples again it's up to them. As long as they are honest about their intentions. I did NOT deserve to be treated like that simply by dint of the fact I was on a swingers site.

Is this all just 1 massive advert for FabSwingers?