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Relationships

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Original poster

If you have a different surname to your kids, how do you feel about that?

67 replies

screamsprout · 29/10/2007 12:25

When ds was born we gave him dh's surname. We then got married but I didn't change my name. Dc2 is due early next year but I'm really not sure that I want to give this child dh's surname too, as then I will be in a 3:1 minority but really don't want to change my surname either!!

Is anyone else in a similar position and how do you feel about it?

OP posts:

Kitsandbits · 29/10/2007 12:27

I hate it, but we are not married yet (getting married in December) and I will be relieved when we do and I cant have the same name as my family

Kitsandbits · 29/10/2007 12:27

and i can have - sorry!

sKerryMum · 29/10/2007 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lennygirl · 29/10/2007 12:28

Message withdrawn

Baffy · 29/10/2007 12:30

I suppose you need to decide whether it's more important to you to have the same surname as dh and the children, or to keep your own surname? Which matters most?

I don't think you should give dc2 your surname just to 'even things up' iyswim.

It's such a personal issue. I'm not too sure how I feel about it. H and I have separated, and if I were to ever marry again or have children with someone else, I'm really not sure what I'd do...

elliott · 29/10/2007 12:30

It really doesn't bother me at all. I've chosen to keep my name, and have no inclination at all to change it. My children have dh's surname, which is what we chose, and I am perfectly happy with that. Have lots of friends in the same position and I don't think they have a problem either.

fawkeoff · 29/10/2007 12:30

DC have dps surname....it doesnt bother me the majority of the time, but sometimes i wish i had the same surname as them all

GooseyLoosey · 29/10/2007 12:31

Yes. My dcs have dh's name. I have no intention of ever changing my name (we have now been maried 12 years, so don't see it happening). The names are such that there was no possibility of double-barrelling.

Never so far been an issue. At school, I do get called Mrs Ds's name and if I volunteer to help in my own name, I know they have wondered who I am. However, once over that hurdle, it does not bother me at all. They are mine and nothing in the world can change that or the way I feel about them. A name would not make them more mine!

Original poster

screamsprout · 29/10/2007 12:31

I think I just feel that I want to clearly be my dc's mum, but I also want to keep my own identity. Am nearly 38 and have a v unusual surname so it would be very odd to start using someone else's!!

OP posts:

CadaverousCorpulentCarmenere · 29/10/2007 12:32

I feel odd about this tbh. I have a different surname to dd as I thought that it was important for her to have the same sur name as her half siblings iyswim and we are not married. that said if we do get married I think it would be a bit silly for a woman of nearly 40 to change her name to her husbands but I don't like not having the same name as dd. So basically I don't know what the solution is, sorry.

Fennel · 29/10/2007 12:35

DP and I both felt strongly about this, in the end two dds had my surname and one had DP's which kept us both happy. But now the dds are old enough to have an opinion they wanted both our surnames, each, so we went back and re-registered them with both. I'm fine with that as they have had some choice in the matter, and it's them who have to cope with two surnames, which we had felt might be a bit much.

iwouldgoouttonight · 29/10/2007 12:35

I'm in the same situation - DS has DH's surname as we thought if we ever got married we'd all have the same name. But now sometimes I wish I'd given DS my surname as I'm the last in the family, whereas DH's family is massive so there are hundreds of them to carry on the name! But if we had another DC I think we'd give them the same surname as DS just to avoid confusion really.

Could you use your DH's surname for home type stuff but keep your own surname for work?

elliott · 29/10/2007 12:35

I find that people I meet with my ds's obviously know that I am their mum, way before they know what my name is. So I don't really feel this is an issue. I can't recall having been called 'Mrs DH' at school or in any other context - I think these days it is so common for people within families to have different surnames, people don't make assumptions like they used to.

iwouldgoouttonight · 29/10/2007 12:37

Just realised I said DH when I meant DP - must be wishful thinking on my part!!

FoghornLeghorn · 29/10/2007 12:37

We had DD1 prior to getting marrried or even thinking about marriage and we gave her DH's name - now we are married all 4 of us have the same name. I hated having a different name from DD but would never have given her any other name than her daddy's

snowleopard · 29/10/2007 12:38

I have my own name, we are not maried and even if we were I'd keep it. DS has DH's surname (for various reasons). I like it a lot. It says to people that I'm not married/didn't take DP's name which I'm proud of - it says I'm feminist and independent. It also makes DS seem independent and grown up (though he's only 2!) I have a special link with DS in that I carried and gave birth to him and am closest to him - I like the fact that he and his dad share a name that I don't have and that is a special link for them.

ScaremyVile · 29/10/2007 12:39

I'm not married and DS has DPs surname, tbh, I would prefer we had the same surname (but mine preferably as DPs is proper dodgy and forrin ).
My reasoning in choosing for DS to have DPs surname is that as his mother, my connection to him will never be questioned or judged on a sliding scale. I gave birth to him, he is my son and that's that,
But as an unmarried couple there is always the chance that, if DP nad DS had different surnames, it could be assumed that he is his step-father and I know that would upset DP alot. It's a way of showing his pride in his son that DP wanted to share his name.

Anchovy · 29/10/2007 12:42

I have my own name, DCs have DH's name (double barelling not possible).

Have been pleasantly surprised at how easy it has been. Occasionally people who I meet via DCs school assume I am Mrs but its pretty easy to correct and not something I get narky about. Like Elliott said, I really think people don't make assumptions like they used to.

I'm always surprised at people who aren't married and who give their DCs their partners surname (but interestingly even while typing it out I'm wondering why I am surprised).

EllHell · 29/10/2007 12:42

I'm like Goosey... it doesn't bother me at all. I do find it a bit trying to have to explain to people (mostly at school, etc.) that I am 'Ellbell XXX, Babybell YYY's mother'. But after the first couple of times they usually get the hint. Not having the same surname as them doesn't make me feel 'less attached' to my dds, though. They do both have my surname as an extra middle name, so there is that connection (my/dh's names would just not work double-barrelled otherwise we'd probably have gone down that road). But otherwise it's not really an issue for me (... and I'd never consider changing my name to dh's).

Piggy · 29/10/2007 12:45

As you know Bean I changed my name when I got married so we as a family unit have the same name. I do like it but can see that not everyone likes to do it that way. My sil didn't change her name when she married my brother and her surname is her ds's middle name. It works really well. How about yourname-hisname as a surname for both children? It would be a great name!

A lot of my friends have kept their own name for work and changed their name for personal stuff.

RosaTransylvania · 29/10/2007 12:46

We have double-barrelled the children which works for us. They are well aware however that if they find their surname too long they are at liberty to be known by only half of it without recriminations from the parent whose half has been dropped.

ScaremyVile · 29/10/2007 12:50

....actually, I've just remembered that DP and DS don't have the same name, DPs is double-barrelled and DS has only half of it as his surname.
So we all have our own names

motherinferior · 29/10/2007 12:51

Mine have both parents'. I definitely didn't want them having just his. Why don't you give the new baby both, and change DS's while you're about it?

motherinferior · 29/10/2007 12:51

...and frankly if my two can cope with their impossible surname, which is two non double barrelled forrin names coming to 15 letters in all...

prettybird · 29/10/2007 12:53

I got married 9 years ago and never changed my name. Ds (7) has dh's name - it's never been an issue.

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