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Original poster

If you have a different surname to your kids, how do you feel about that?

67 replies

screamsprout · 29/10/2007 12:25

When ds was born we gave him dh's surname. We then got married but I didn't change my name. Dc2 is due early next year but I'm really not sure that I want to give this child dh's surname too, as then I will be in a 3:1 minority but really don't want to change my surname either!!

Is anyone else in a similar position and how do you feel about it?

OP posts:

RosaTransylvania · 29/10/2007 12:56

I would like to add - I was in DD3's classroom at the beginning of term, she is just five, the youngest in her year one class, and they all had self-portraits pinned to the wall. She was the only one who had written her surname on her picture - all 14 letters complete with hyphen and apostrophe!

EllHell · 29/10/2007 13:30

One of dd1's spelling tests last year in year 2 was to write her FULL name. Her full name has 35 letters in total. She moaned about it, saying "I wish I was called [won't give real name of girl in class, but someone with one first name and one surname, four letters each, e.g.] 'Jane Reed'"! But I think she was quite proud of her extra-long name too really!

Blandmum · 29/10/2007 13:43

My two have dh's surname. And my surname as one of their given names.

It isn't an issue.

I kept my name when I married

BrownSuga · 29/10/2007 13:43

DS has DH's surname, I kept my own. His xW gave DH's name a bad name around town, so I don't want to use it (just in case they get us confused )!

CatIsSpooky · 29/10/2007 13:56

I feel fine about it
Kept my name when we got married, but thought it was better for my dd to have dh's surname. And I didn't want to double-barrel the names either.

haychEebeeJeebees · 29/10/2007 13:59

Im not married, but registered the dc with dp surname.
Isnt really an issue for me, would be nice if we could ever afford to get married, but for the time being that is the way it is. I think the children find it a little confusing.

CadaverousCorpulentCarmenere · 29/10/2007 14:05

And I'm a bit like Brownsuga, dp's ex having the name is a bit of a problem for me. You see I really think that she is quite a horrible person and I don't like the idea of having the same name as her. I know logically that shouldn't matter but emotionally it does.

sprogger · 29/10/2007 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinsetandpearls · 29/10/2007 16:22

I remember when growing up I had a different surname from my mum and I hated it, so when I got divorced I made sure that dd took my surname - she was only a baby. When dp and I get married he will be taking my surname so that we all have the same name.

Dinosaur · 29/10/2007 16:24

I have a different surname to my kids and it doesn't bother me or them (afaik). They all have my surname as an extra middle name and know they can use it if they want to at a later stage.

wheresthehamster · 29/10/2007 16:35

DDs have DP's surname I have exH's. It's only a name and doesn't mean anything. You can call yourself what you want to.

Dinosaur · 29/10/2007 16:36

I can see it might be more difficult for DCs if there has been some family break-up/new partner etc issues though.

Skribble · 29/10/2007 16:37

I am getting divorced but I am keeping my married name as I want the same name as my kids and my maiden name had to be spelled out. I am changing things to Ms though so they don't assume I am married, miss doesn't seem right.

amidaiwish · 29/10/2007 17:25

i kept my name when we married
dd's have dh's surname
both have my surname as a second middle name
if they want to double-barrel (and/or then drop his!!) at a later date then that's fine. my surname is much nicer

but as a double barrel it would be too much of a mouthful so i didn't go down that route.

it is tricky sometimes as people don't realise you're their mum when they see your name, and at gym class the other day the instructor did take me for the "nanny" as they are dark haired and i am blonde (highlights!)

not sure what the answer is. it works ok for us but i would be lying if i didn't say it would have been simpler if i had changed my name.

SeaShells · 29/10/2007 17:46

My 3 DCs have ex-dps surname. It doesn't really bother me at all. Except for a recent incident with my new HV who I wasn't expecting, she knocked on the door and asked for a Mrs. xxx (pronouncing my children's surname wrong) I assumed she had the wrong address and sent her away only to realise later what had happened. So when people assume I'm Mrs ex-dps surname, because that's my childrens' surname then that annoys me yes.

alibaabaa · 29/10/2007 20:00

Same here.
Whilst pregnant, I hit a real barrier, and demanded to get married before belly grew - I couldn't possilbly have a child out of wed-lock - then months flew by and no marriage. DD took DP's surname, and as time has gone by, I have realised it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. I also think that if we did get married I would keep my surname. However, DP suggested going double barrelled - but not sure if it sounds poncey!!!!
The only time it has bothered me, was when my mother, DD and I went ot France for a few days, and I gave customs our passports. The chap asked me who Marcia belong to, it broke my heart - (I must have been having a hormonal moment!!)
I think that nowadays it doesn't matter - if it bothers you, go double-barrelled.

dragonstitcher · 31/10/2007 11:24

Two of my DD have my xh name. I am remarried and DD#3 and I both have DH name. I gave DDs the choice of what name they wanted to keep, with no pressure. They chose to keep xhs name. No business of mine, even though I dislike the name. It causes confusion at school and Drs sometimes.

mumsville · 04/11/2007 14:50

my ds has his father's name. I didn't change my name upon marriage and I don't see the point now just to have the same name as ds.
My only fear is that one day if I want to take ds abroad alone and I'm stopped at customs................

lucyellensmum · 04/11/2007 15:15

i had a similar problem with my inlaws - they were upset that i didnt give DD her fathers name. We are not married and it just didnt occur to me to do otherwise, DP wasnt bothered by it. His name is on the birth certificate and he has full parental responsibility. I have a DD from a previous relationship who also has my name so i didnt want her to have a different sirname.

How do people who have children from second marriages get around that one? I assume that not a problem??

NKF · 04/11/2007 15:18

Why do you think it bothers you? I just picked up on the point about being in a minority. What matters is that you feel comfortable with your choice.

WideWebWitch · 04/11/2007 15:43

We have

my surname
dh's surname
ds has his father's surname (dh#1, i.e. ex dh)
dd has my surname-dh#2's surname hyphenated

It doesn't bother me.

cmotdibbler · 06/11/2007 12:40

Been married 10 years - Dh has his name, I have mine, DS is myname-hisname, as are the cats. Exactly what we wanted, although some people think its weird (or that we aren't actually married). We chose a short first name for DS to compensate for a 14 letter surname.

BroccoliSpears · 06/11/2007 13:10

I'm really surprised that so many people have a problem with this. I have never worried or even thought much about my little girl not having my surname. She doesn't have my first name or my middle name either, and that's not something I think about either! She doesn't have my mouth or my nose or my hands, she does have my hair and my eyes, she has her father's stubbornness and a sense of authority that no one can fathom where it came from! She is her and I am me - two different people, and the things that we have different don't make her any less my daughter.

meglet · 06/11/2007 20:10

My DS has DPs surname as we planned to get married at some point. But as DP is in so much debt we can't as it may affect the security of the house - which is mine. TBH I hate the fact my DS has a different surname but soon he will have a double barrelled name. I really regret not doing that when he was born

ja9 · 06/11/2007 20:14

really interesting thread. i'm not in this situation but have a friend who is and often wonder how she feels about it (but don't really feel it's appropriate to come out and ask).

fwiw i think i would hate having a different surname to my children...

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