Should I be worried

[Splasher2]

Changed username.

Been wary of DH’s relationship with his manager for some time, can’t quite put my finger on it but some conversations I’ve heard, although work related, seemed to cross the line, think gossiping, also heard conversations where they’ve been talking about weekends and she’s clearly asked what he’s done and he’s said nothing when we have done things. Also sent Christmas present with a card about how much support he’s been this year, and although she’s been his manager for 3+ years, not knowing what my name is.

Saw them messaging the other night during bedtime routine and said ‘you’re not working now are you?!’ Not confrontational or anything just surprised that he was messaging on the work platform at that time of night, he said ‘yeah, well just answering a question...you never question me I should be working in the day when I’m not!’ He then became very sheepish and was clock watching for bedtime which he never does! It’s always me who rallies the troops for bed said with 5 minutes to go that it was time, again it’s always me having battles with all of them to stop playing and get to bed.

Anyway, I know I shouldn’t have done but I thought I’d check his messages, he’s not had his phone away from him since so thought I’d take the opportunity while he was asleep. Phone switched off. Switched it on and the messages were deleted.

Now I’m questioning whether it was to her even though I KNOW it was but can’t really do anything about it as I’ve snooped!

Would you be concerned. Could just be reading into it, not been able to do much with lockdown and feeling a bit disconnected.

Eh, no, seems work, I don’t know my bosses wife’s name and he’d be hard pressed to say my husbands.

Have you always been jealous and insecure or is it the relationship?

@Bluntness100 ffs why is it always you with the nasty comments?

Op, yes I would be questioning, especially with the deleted messages. Generally if you have suspicions there is a reason for it. It might not always be straight up cheating, but an emotional affair type thing going on.

I wouldn’t mention anything yet - he will just try to hide it better if there is something going on.

Wtaf, why’s it nasty? Don’t be so ridiculous. Just because you’d take issue with it.

Because there clearly IS something for op to be worried about - and yet you always have to stick the boot in with blaming op for being ‘insecure and jealous’.

You do it constantly, so I don’t know why you’re acting surprised.

The op has clearly tried to push this to the back of her mind for some time, sometimes the gut feelings over take.

Maybe you are feeling insecure, that has no bearing on deleted messages.

Have you looked at his frquently used emoji's, his messages maybe deleted but that may show you the tone of his conversations.

I hope this turns out to be nothing.
If I remember rightly I think Bluntness has never been in the situation of being betrayed.

Apologies if I'm wrong.

It could be nothing but I think you have to go on your gut , it’s usually lead me to being right , it might not be anything major like cheating but maybe they are engaging in out of work related conversation ? Keep an eye on it

some conversations I’ve heard, although work related, seemed to cross the line, think gossiping
Doesn't sound unusual for work colleagues to gossip.

heard conversations where they’ve been talking about weekends and she’s clearly asked what he’s done and he’s said nothing when we have done things.
Reminds me a little of the scene in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant complains that Julia Roberts didn't tell her colleague about her private life (him) and she told him that of COURSE she wouldn't tell the biggest gossip in town about her private life ... see your first point.

Also sent Christmas present with a card about how much support he’s been this year, and although she’s been his manager for 3+ years, not knowing what my name is.
So she said "Happy Christmas John, sorry I would have addressed this to your wife too, but I don't know what her name is even after 3 years"? Doesn't sound like a come-on to me. Sounds like someone apologising for not knowing him better.

Working at the kids' bedtime - that's not massively after hours, presumably?

The only odd thing here to me would be him deleting messages - I never delete mine so would find it hard to come up with a reason why anyone might. But maybe people do. Were these private messages? Had you seen them before, or hoow did you know they were deleted?

Have you always been jealous and insecure or is it the relationship?

You jump on just about every thread like this to tell the OP how ridiculous and insecure she is. Its tedious.

Does he have a case of mentionitis OP?
The deleting messages would be an issue for me, but the rest of it sounds okay - depending on the overall context. Frequently used emojis is a good suggestion and making a note of patterns of behaviour. Does he always turn his phone off or keep it with him?

Don’t worry about the harsh comments, I’m not. He travels a lot for work, overseas, alone with female colleagues, I’m by no means jealous or insecure, if I was I wouldn’t be able to cope with him doing the job he does given the amount of alone time he has with female colleagues.

I’m on my phone so just trying to reply to everything as I can.

In terms of knowing my name, I’m a manager and know all the names of my teams children and partners and my team of managers the same, my manager the same. We take personal interest in our teams for wellbeing reasons and to show we care. Maybe the corporate world isn’t the same. And my DH knows my managers name and I know his managers name obviously! But I also accept not all work places are as friendly.

She didn’t say that in her card, it was a message I saw when I looked for these deleted messages. She said ‘what’s your wife’s name?’ And he replied with my name and said ‘I hope you’re not going to tell tales on me ;) ‘

The weekend comments, they’d been talking about her spa weekend away which he was asking about and taking interest in, surely the natural flow of a conversation would be for him to tell her what we’d been up to?’

I knew messages were deleted as I happened to be walking in the room behind him as he was furiously typing like he was trying to quickly get rid of the thread and then quickly closed his phone. So I knew the messages were there.

This was at 19:30 so not massively after hours and he’s been known to work later than this but he’ll stay in the office and work. At this point he’s finished for the day, we’d done some family stuff, I took the kids for baths and came down and it was at this point I saw him. I also have access to my work stuff on my phone but once I’m logged off that’s it I’m done and it’s family time. I appreciate that some people might be different and that’s fine. He’s usually the same as me.

The gossiping, I gossip with the best of them but not to my manager about my peers (so the other people he manages) maybe we are just more professional in that respect.

I don’t think either has ‘come-on’ to the other, there is just something that isn’t sitting right with me but I hope I’m wrong and I’m just reading too much into things!

The PP is consistently nasty across the board, it's not just aimed at you .

Your gut feeling, plus the deleted messages would definitely be an issue for me. I can't think of an occasion when my gut feeling about something has been really wrong.

A manager gossiping with someone they manage, about all the other people they manage, would also be something that would ring alarm bells with me. It's not professional, it's over familiar and just doesn't sit right.

As to what to do about it, I just don't know but yes I'd definitely be concerned.

He hasn’t had a case of mentionitis although he is talking more about her at the moment as he’s recently found out that she’s got a promotion so won’t be managing him much longer and he expressed that he was gutted. Which again is fine, I know I’ve been gutted before when I’ve lost a particular manager. He’s also said she’s thought of a few things already she wants him to work on with a view to creating a new role just for him, even though she’ll be in a completely different role and not managing him - all kosher and work related!

The phone behaviour, he goes through phases where he’ll leave it anywhere and isn’t fussed, sometimes he switches it off at weekend at night when he’s sick of being on it, but never in the week or while it’s charging. He always says he’s not bothered if I go on his phone however last night I left my phone in another room and he asked me a question about something that I was following, he has no interest in, I said I don’t know because I’ve not got my phone. His phone was next to me on charge, if it was me and I do do this, I’d have said oh just have a look on my phone, but he just said oh right. After a bit I passed him his phone and said you have a look, and he took it off me and checked. But again, because I’ve got this in the back of mind it doesn’t sit right, but ordinarily I probably wouldn’t have thought twice!

I sometimes agree with Bluntness (I've name changed and been around for quite some time) - but not this time. Listen to your gut. Trust it.

I think I'd count this as a sign that I should keep my eyes open, but would need more suspicious behaviour before I got really worried.
If he's worried that you might see something on his phone, I'd expect him to password protect it.

I would be worried,trust your gut x

Thank you all for your replies.

Looks like I should sit back and keep an eye on it, which I’d hoped wouldn’t be the consensus. Good idea about the emoji’s as well, I’ll keep that in mind so thank you for that suggestion.

I struggle to keep my emotions hidden when something is bothering me though so I’m going to have to work hard at pretending!

And he replied with my name and said ‘I hope you’re not going to tell tales on me ;) ‘

This is a red flag for me, sorry OP.
If this is definitely the message you saw, and it's now deleted, he's definitely being a little suggestive. It's not really about the manager at all, but his behaviour towards her.

Good luck

I was worried someone might pick up on that line, it screamed red flag to me as well but didn’t know whether it could just be banter.

This message wasn’t deleted it was mixed in with a load of work message and where she’d asked what my name was. But he had no reason at that point to think I was suspicious of them.

In itself I don't think I'd be worried, maybe a bit as it could be construed as suggestive (which it obv was as you were worried others would pick up on it). As you and others have said, I'd keep eyes open, establish a pattern of behaviour.

I wouldn’t be worried. I think if there was anything beyond a normal work relationship she would definitely know your name - they would have talked about you. She didn’t know it; so they haven’t talked about you.
It sounds normal to me (and I manage male colleagues).

I think I also raised an eyebrow at that comment as last year we were socialising with some of his work mates, none of whom I had met before as they don’t live close, but one who he is particularly close with and does a lot of travelling with and they have a friendship outside of work, said to my DH in front of me ‘you don’t deserve her’ I asked my DH what he meant by that at the time and he just laughed and shrugged it off saying he doesn’t know. But with other things that have peaked my interest I am putting 2+2 together and getting I don’t know what!

It's his sheepishness and awkwardness about the whole thing that would leave me suspicious, and deleting messages. If it is all just work why delete messages or get defensive when you ask why he's working late?

I do find it surprising his boss of over 3 years doesn't know your name. I've worked in big global companies (that aren't normally too personal) and even then people in the team refer to their partners by name regularly, so you just know. In 3 years if someone didn't mention their partner much or what they got upto in a weekend, I'd find it odd. Particularly if it was the kind of relationship where they're sending Xmas cards and presents etc, and chatting after work at night. So they clearly have a more personal relationship rather than just work.

Not much you can do tbh if either of them has a bit of a crush, but just keep an eye out. It could just be a harmless work crush at most. As long as he's still attentive and focused on you, I wouldn't worry too much just yet.

Thank you for your perspective TheGreatSloth I did also have a fleeting though along the same lines, but my gut was overriding it! But I’m glad you see that perspective.

That’s it BB it was his reaction about it that made me second guess it along with my gut feelings that made me look for the messages. If he hasn’t have deflected or acted sheepishly afterwards, I don’t think it would’ve played on my mind as much! But I suppose we’ll also never know now whether it would!

And that’s it again, will send Christmas presents but doesn’t know my name or what he gets up to at weekend. It was quite a personal present as well, something that he enjoys, not like a daft waste of money thing, but something that she’s obviously thought about and knew about him.

I’m having battles in my head that sees that it’s reasonable but then you are all saying what my gut is saying as well so I’m just feeling confused about it all. I also don’t want to have to keep an eye on it as I want to be wrong. But can’t shift this gut feeling.