Should I be worried

[Splasher2]

Changed username.

Been wary of DH’s relationship with his manager for some time, can’t quite put my finger on it but some conversations I’ve heard, although work related, seemed to cross the line, think gossiping, also heard conversations where they’ve been talking about weekends and she’s clearly asked what he’s done and he’s said nothing when we have done things. Also sent Christmas present with a card about how much support he’s been this year, and although she’s been his manager for 3+ years, not knowing what my name is.

Saw them messaging the other night during bedtime routine and said ‘you’re not working now are you?!’ Not confrontational or anything just surprised that he was messaging on the work platform at that time of night, he said ‘yeah, well just answering a question...you never question me I should be working in the day when I’m not!’ He then became very sheepish and was clock watching for bedtime which he never does! It’s always me who rallies the troops for bed said with 5 minutes to go that it was time, again it’s always me having battles with all of them to stop playing and get to bed.

Anyway, I know I shouldn’t have done but I thought I’d check his messages, he’s not had his phone away from him since so thought I’d take the opportunity while he was asleep. Phone switched off. Switched it on and the messages were deleted.

Now I’m questioning whether it was to her even though I KNOW it was but can’t really do anything about it as I’ve snooped!

Would you be concerned. Could just be reading into it, not been able to do much with lockdown and feeling a bit disconnected.

The winking and flirty messages - ugh. Most affairs start through work anyway and you obviously have a weird feeling about it. Deleting messages is bizarre in my opinion and would scream red flag.

I don't think sending presents or whatsapping is wrong - it depends how it's done. I have a male colleague who I get along well with and have similar interests, he helped me massively with a union issue last year and I sent him a small gift (like £5 worth) to say thanks.

Difference is, my DP is fully aware of it all, joins in the messages, and I always include his wife and talk about her as well! Always asking what THEY are up to, what WE are doing, and I would never delete anything as most messages are funny and I share them all with my DP.

That clearly isn't the case with your husband. I don't think you are being irrational!

Oh @Splasher2. I am in a similar quandary.... it’s horrible and I don’t know what to do either. Husband has been whatsapping a works colleague and I found one morning she had messaged him 42 times overnight. Messages have been deleted but looked this morning and both signed off night x. No idea what to do......

Oh no TheStirrer I’m sorry to hear that, I don’t think he’s quite at that point....yet! But what horrible position for you to be in. Why are you unsure of your next steps?

I don’t think my DH is messaging that frequently once signed off but from when I looked at the messages, they message quite frequently throughout the day and always apologise if they haven’t responded quickly. It’s obviously spilling over to after work from what I saw but to the same extent yet.

@Splasher2 . Well I have been snooping which is a bit awkward and not something I am proud of but just felt something was off. He mentioned her over Christmas but in a very general way saying she was unhappy as she was not transferred over to new company and unhappy and if I ask if he has heard from any of his old colleagues he doesn’t mention her
I think it was a general work relationship but she seems to be emotionally leaning on him and stroking his ego. I don’t think he has particularly encouraged it but looks like it may be turning a corner into something more. Not sure whether to say something and destroy his trust in me, message her and tell her to step back or just monitor....

@TheStirrer that’s the predicament isn’t it, when we’ve found (or not found because they delete) the info from snooping. However, I’m going to broach it with my DH later, he has asked me if I’m alright now, and before I answered he said ‘you’re not’ so I said we’d talk later, he’s now gone out for a walk as he has a conference call where he doesn’t need to be on his laptop (this isn’t a cover up, he does this at the moment to get his exercise in). When he gets annoyed at my snooping I’m going to say that he obviously expected me to because he deleted the messages, otherwise, why delete them. And ask him why he thought I would snoop in the first place, either he doesn’t want me to see something and he’s feeling guilty or he knows his behaviour would rouse suspicion. I will also say that he has given me a free pass on his phone in the past so I used it.

It sounds similar in both our scenarios where I expect it’s all started out innocent and some boundaries, as far as we see it, have been blurred along the way.

@Splasher2 Good luck. I think I am going to have to broach as well but need to think about what to say and when to do it. I am hoping that it is just a lack of thinking through how it looks rather to me / her than being willfull but who knows. I love him very much and have been with him for nearly 25 years and have 2 teenagers. Life has been difficult the last year with lockdown, work and the death of my dad in November and this will completely finish me off if it has progressed. . I think we have both been a bit complacent but cheating (emotionally or otherwise) is a no deal for me and he knows this so I am hoping he has just been a bit stupid rather than having a full blown emotional / sexting affair....

@Splasher2

Even seeing all these responses of similar situations is giving me panic attacks and that horrible sunken feeling in my stomach. It was honestly the worst time of my life.
The fact hed been txting her with me just near him makes me shudder
I finally had to confront when I saw messages he was sending to her to meet in a hotel room! I had been snooping for a while but was so scared about confronting.
It was the usual scenario- crying, saying he was so sorry and it was just attention..deleted number but he is still at the workplace and thats what makes it hard. Always worrying in the background..hope it turns out better for you

@Peppery123 So sorry that you have been through this and very difficult not to be constantly wondering all the time. I think that is the killer. I feel like I am walking on egg shells but can’t bring myself to confront him just yet. I just feel paranoid and wonder if he is upstairs working or just WhatsApping (or worse). I think I am going to have to confront him as I am no good at pretending and think I would rather know if it is untoward.
I hope @Splasher2 is ok

Bluntness I’ve also called you out a few times on threads for being particularly unpleasant. I’ve no idea if you’re like this in real life or it’s just your online personality 🤷‍♀️ But I do agree with other posters.

OP I think the deleting of messages is the thing that makes it so suspicious. It could be that he knows the discussions have tipped over the line of being too personal. Perhaps discussing you or family in a less than positive light. Equally they could be much worse, who knows!! I think you’re just going to have to watch him a bit closer and see if you can glean anymore info.

How are you, Splasher?

@Splasher2 - hope all ok? We are here if you need an ear.