Should I be worried

[Splasher2]

Changed username.

Been wary of DH’s relationship with his manager for some time, can’t quite put my finger on it but some conversations I’ve heard, although work related, seemed to cross the line, think gossiping, also heard conversations where they’ve been talking about weekends and she’s clearly asked what he’s done and he’s said nothing when we have done things. Also sent Christmas present with a card about how much support he’s been this year, and although she’s been his manager for 3+ years, not knowing what my name is.

Saw them messaging the other night during bedtime routine and said ‘you’re not working now are you?!’ Not confrontational or anything just surprised that he was messaging on the work platform at that time of night, he said ‘yeah, well just answering a question...you never question me I should be working in the day when I’m not!’ He then became very sheepish and was clock watching for bedtime which he never does! It’s always me who rallies the troops for bed said with 5 minutes to go that it was time, again it’s always me having battles with all of them to stop playing and get to bed.

Anyway, I know I shouldn’t have done but I thought I’d check his messages, he’s not had his phone away from him since so thought I’d take the opportunity while he was asleep. Phone switched off. Switched it on and the messages were deleted.

Now I’m questioning whether it was to her even though I KNOW it was but can’t really do anything about it as I’ve snooped!

Would you be concerned. Could just be reading into it, not been able to do much with lockdown and feeling a bit disconnected.

It did remind me of something similar though.

I worked with a man once who was quite cagey about his personal life. Didn't even announce when he got engaged! But very chatty about other things, like his family, friends, hobby etc. Our boss was female and we always felt she had a bit of a thing for him, and I think he played up to it to get ahead/promoted/get the best projects. It was this weird dynamic where she knew he had a partner but enjoyed pretending he was single and having a flirt. It never crossed the office to my knowledge as they never met up outside work I think.

He definitely did not reciprocate her feelings, but he played the game well and put on the front he knew she wanted of him. He'd have been hard pressed to explain that to his fiancee I imagine! So maybe the same with your DH. He's leveraging her feelings for him to get promoted?

The fact that, they have some level of friendship to discuss talking about her weekend spa break would annoy me and not discussing your weekend which involved you, that is in itself is not bad but he did that so you don't exist. It seems intentional.

It sounds as though he has actively not told her your name, he doesn't want her to feel guilty that you exist.

For him to be actively speaking to her outside of work, knowing her for 3 years, I'm very surprised she didn't know your name.

It’s possible. He is very good at compartmentalising areas of his life. Although he used to talk about work more frequently, and then she became his boss and doesn’t so much anymore.

He is a very high earner and has always said he isn’t interested in going further as he doesn’t want to manage which would be the next step, but she has been very kind to him in terms of putting him forward for extra bonuses which he hasn’t expected when she’s told him about them. I also think he likes the idea of having someone close in what would be senior management when she moves to her new role and thinks it could open the door for him. One of his messages to her basically said that ‘it’s always nice to have someone on your side that’s high up ;) )

I need to snap out of my funk as he’ll ask me soon what’s wrong and I’m not sure I could get away with ‘nothing!’

@BibbityBobbety

I think you voiced an extremely good explanation.

This thing about not talking about a home life or people in your life - this is what men do who want to flirt a bit with other women or who want even to go further . They like the fun of it . It gives them a boost . They want to portray the "poor little me" idea. In covid times many workplaces have "townhall meetings " where team members get together informally to chat/bond and now more than ever work colleagues know more than ever about families, partners etc . I would go with your gut and keep an eye on this .

The name thing wouldn’t necessarily be an issue to me. I don’t think every Manager knows the names of the staff kids or spouse. Some people are just not interested.

They maybe do have a good work relationship though and may even have a fancy for each other but don’t act on it. What would you do if your suspicions are correct?

If he’s fine with you touching his phone usually just ask OP. Your well within your rights and I would be thinking the exact same as you especially with the ‘telling tales on me ;) ‘ comment. I would simply say you know last night you said you were sending work messages, how come you immediately deleted the messages? Or if it was on WhatsApp, if you scroll your finger down it can show you all archived chats which a lot of people accidentally ‘archive’ the chat instead of deleting on whatsap because it’s the first option that comes up if you swipe left on a chat. You don’t sound insecure at all to me, his reaction wasn’t normal

You need to have someone like Bluntness100 around to address a bit of balance. Otherwise we’re going to have hundreds of messages telling you “ your gut is never wrong “ when in fact if your gut could in fact be wrong.

Deleting the messages is suspicious I have to say... don’t you think he’s just kissing ass?

Do you think I meant

@Divebar

You need to have someone like Bluntness100 around to address a bit of balance. Otherwise we’re going to have hundreds of messages telling you “ your gut is never wrong “ when in fact if your gut could in fact be wrong.

Thanks, I just can’t jump to thr immediate he’s cheating thing.

Is he gods gift op? Becayse do you really think his boss wants to jeapordise her career to shag him? Like he’s all that and a bag of chips she would Chuck her career for him?

For me, it reads like they just have a good working relationship. And yes, he’s kissing some ass and keeping in with the boss. I really don’t know why you think she should know your name or you should be part of it, it’s really not like that at my work.

@Divebar

You need to have someone like Bluntness100 around to address a bit of balance. Otherwise we’re going to have hundreds of messages telling you “ your gut is never wrong “ when in fact if your gut could in fact be wrong.

It's not about the balance. It's the condescending "have you always been this insecure?"

Why’s that condescending? Some folks have insecurity issues? It’s either a known problem or rhe issues are caused by the relationship. It’s all factual

Get a grip.

Bluntness you really do make me laugh, but I’ll take the bait. I could understand your comments if I was talking about all the things she’s said and done, but as you can see I’m focussed on his behaviour. I mentioned the comment about my name as I find it unusual that he hasn’t mentioned me when his previous manager used to send us a joint Christmas card for example, and sent gifts and flowers made out only to me when we had our children, so he has in the past spoken about his family, just doesn’t appear to be doing the same with this manager. And FYI being gods gift is all the eye and mind of the beholder so it would be remiss of me to even to respond to that ridiculousness. And I also haven’t jumped to the cheating I asked if I should be worried, and I’ve also said I don’t think either has come on to the other, and that I have also tried to balance the different views. You come across as trying to be the cool one, but you crack on if it helps your self esteem.

He could potentially be kissing arse, and I’m open to that, I hope that’s what it is even though that would gross me out a little as well, but I guess it’s the better of two evils.

I’ll keep my eyes open anyway, and hopefully it is just a close working relationship, it will be interesting what happens when she moves roles and he has a new manager.

@Bluntness100

Why’s that condescending? Some folks have insecurity issues? It’s either a known problem or rhe issues are caused by the relationship. It’s all factual

Get a grip.

I think it's you that might need to get a grip.

I can only take it that you are being deliberately obtuse, with the faux "why's that condescending?".
You did not say that in a factual way. It was said to patronise.

The fact hes deleted the messages is suss in my opinion.unless he usually deletes messages regularly

Sorry this sounds too similar to what happened with me and my dh.
Very similar
Within a few weeks, checked his phone again and found a huge thread of sexting between them. And planning to make it physical

Peppery could you please tell me more?

I think I’m going to have to do what Sassy suggested as I’m rubbish at hiding my feelings. Everyone is right, it is the deleting messages that is the issue and I don’t really want to wait to try and find something if it progresses.

I’m being a bit thrown off by his behaviour today though. I’m clearly not happy about something but he’s acting like everything is ok, being nice as pie, I’m being civil with him while I collect my thoughts and figure a way forward but I can’t bring myself to be anything other than that at the moment, which isn’t fair to him. We are usually good at picking up these vibes from one another and we’ll inevitably ask if the other is ok, but he’s not. He also seemed a bit agitated and distracted earlier, sat on the arm of the sofa sighing loudly, head in both hands and rubbing his head as though he really wanted to say something to me but in the end didn’t. I have a feeling he probably knows what’s wrong or if he doesn’t, he is feeling guilty about something. But again, willing to hold my hands up and say I could be thinking that because of where my head and gut is at, at the moment.

I don't think Bluntness is actually being condescending, just very lacking in empathy and awareness of how they come across as always

More importantly op, you are worried and anxious and those feelings aren't going to go away; you need to have a proper conversation with him about this.

The funny thing is, it's always the same posters on every thread, badgering the OP in these situations, implying she must be insecure and paranoid. Then when it comes out that DP/DH was actually cheating, they are suddenly nowhere to be found 😆

But OP I do believe you have the right to be worried. To me it's very weird to send a Christmas card to a co-worker and not acknowledge his family in some way..."Mr. Ed and Family" would suffice. And deleting messages and all that other nonsense is out of line IMO.

I would be uncomfortable with this situation.

His behavior has changed. Prior to this manager’s appearance on the scene, there was a 2-way inclusion of you and your family. Your H frequently mentioned his work at home and his previous manager was well aware of you and made lovely personal gestures. During the 3 years with this woman, however, you’ve been excluded from their chat and he doesn’t mention work much at home.

It sounds like they have an over-familiar relationship with blurred boundaries. She appears to favor him. They chat after work hours, gossip about colleagues, have in-jokes, and he makes winking comments. She carefully selected a personal, specific gift for him but didn’t know your name, which is appalling. He shows interest in her personal life but withholds information about his. He is possibly ingratiating for gain or perhaps there is a flirtation.

His defensiveness, sheepishness, and frantic deleting after your casual comment speak volumes. I would speak to him about your concerns. Your trust and respect are precious. If he is crossing boundaries, he would have much to lose.

I would say op, that if you do decide to be upfront and ask him (i wouldn't ) this type of situation has all the makings of a gaslight to fuckery about it.

@Splasher2

Worst time of my life. He like your dp was very close to his line manager. Always talked nice of her. She also didnt know much about me. He once showed her holiday pics and she made comments how I looked older than him!! That for me was a big red flag as its very common knowledge my dh looks old for his age, people always think hes about 10 years older than me. I had a horrible sinking feeling that I couldnt put my hand on. Even when he was home, there was jist something there. Like his mind was elsewhere.
Like you, saw him texting a few times but wasnt sure who to as he only ususally txts his mum and a few friends..I kept quiet.
One night we were watching a movie but on separate couches. I saw him literally txting but sat in a position like on purpose so I couldnt see. That night, whilst he was asleep, checked phone and saw a message from her (his manager) saying would you fancy me if...
His messages to her had been deleted
Kept a cclose eye on it..within few weeks checked again and found a whole sexting convo, also deep emotional talk
Heartbroken. Took me ages to confront and forgive him..i still live in a constant state now because of this. Lockdown has made it better as I know hes nowhere near her but....that cant last forever

Galena thanks for your post, and you’re right, it’s very easy to put ‘and family’ in a card, especially a Christmas card. I could understand more if it was just a thank you card but it wasn’t.

MsDogLady Everything you have put there, I think that’s how I’m going to relay it to him. That is all facts and no hiding from it looking suspect.

Onthedunes I imagine he will, he has habit of doing this when he feels backed into the corner. However, I think I’m going to broach it by laying it all out on the table like MsDogLady’s messages and say I expect you to deny it and tell me I’m crazy but I’ll leave it with you while I think about my next steps. I’m only willing to listen to him if he admits that, even if nothing is going on now, boundaries have been crossed.

Peppery I’m so sorry to read that, that must’ve been awful for you. I hope that when we’re out of this situation and back to some kind of normality you are at a much better place in your relationship. How did your DP react when you confronted him? And what has he done to try and make it up to you?